Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ponderings and Exercise

I registered for the donor egg website so I must be considering this fairly seriously. You cannot look at the profiles without registering. One on hand, how many obstacles will it take to convince me that maybe this is not supposed to happen. On the other hand, I've never been so passionate about anything in my life. Anything. Also, I can't seem to stop. When my ex who became my known donor pooped out on me, the decision was made very quickly to switch to donor sperm. There was no hesitation and I picked a donor very quickly and felt confident it was the right choice. Donor egg is a different story. Is it really that different from adopting?

I told J. at work. She was very kind. Now someone at work will have my back if I fall apart or have random absences for infertility appointments. I hope she holds my secret. I know she will but she is human and this is BIG. Her sister-in-law is currently using a donor egg due to cancer. A few weeks ago, before I found out about my dried up eggs, she said something about this. I remember I was like a laser beam shooting questions at her. Finally, she was like "Dude, I really don't know that much about the situation". (Yes, she really uses the word Dude all the time.) Some sort of foreshadow of things to come? She said today that she'd try to find out some info for me.

I went to the gym tonight and worked out for the first time in a few weeks. I really pushed myself and even when my hips started hurting I didn't want to stop. Level 13 on the bike, I've never gone that high before. I think I could feel the tension and toxins leaving my body. I have a very weird visualization I do when on the bike. I picture the stress and tension leaving my body through my toes. In my head it usually looks like flecks or chunks of black ash that stream out of my big toes as my feet fly around and around. I don't know how I came up with this strategy and I know it's a little nuts but it works for me. Today the tension leaving my toes looked like thick black green sludge about the consistency of molasses. I must keep doing things that are good for me.

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