Another teacher announced she was preggers today. Well, not announced but let the school grapevine do it's faster-than-lighting magic. Did I mention that even though I'm not pregnant I have an elaborate plan as to how I would reveal the news at work? Or that I've pictured it in my head a thousand times, a million maybe? Also, that I have similar fantasies about how I would reveal the news to every human I know.
Did I neglect to tell you that 6 women were pregnant at my school last year? I'm very sick of hearing the tired, old joke of "don't drink the water". I WISH it were water that could make this miracle happen. I'd be guzzling it and bathing in it.
The teacher who is newly pregnant is a sub for a maternity leave and she's very overweight like me. The bitterness is rusting me from the inside out.
I'm teetering on the precipice of "there's no hope but there's still a chance". Phone consultation with Dr. All-American tomorrow. I've never had a phone consult before. Very wide wide mixture of feelings going on. Underlying all is the hope that I don't really need the consult because I am already pregnant which is getting fainter and fainter day by day.
Wellness Workshop tonight. The facilitator said that I was "profound" ha. That it is good that I'm aware that I need to replace the comforting effect of food but that I should try to "BE" with the pain and that I should work on self-soothing techniques. Great...I'll get right on that. Seriously, I will be trying...because I have to. Our other homework is to create a time line of milestones in our lives including traumas and "development of issues". The thing is ... I've had a really happy life. I will do this assignment but there's some connection that I'm desperate to make and my mind/soul/whatever just won't go there. I've never had anything truly, truly horrible happen to me that I can attribute the weight gain to. Whatever I'm hiding from must be pretty deep and pretty horrible. Or I've just never learned to cope with the discomfort of emotions....
Stretch is 12 today. Happy Birthday! I remember how amazed I was on the day you were born. You were so tiny and fragile yet strong. You've brought such joy into our family. Enjoy your last year of being a kid. You're beautiful and special. I know you can't wait to get there but the teen years are a confusing, wonderful, torturous mess so enjoy this last year of kidhood.
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