Thursday, January 21, 2010

Can't Stop Crying

I'm thinking of giving up blogging. Thinking of giving up everything. I did manage to make it to work today but I was only faking at functioning. I realize there are worse things in the world, of course. What's going on in Haiti should be enough to snap me out of it. but I really can't think of a worse thing to have happen to me personally. If I don't stop crying soon, I'll go off the edge. I've never felt like this. Like life as I know it is over. The shine has gone out, never to return. Even as I write that I know it's overly dramatic. Being childless is not the worst thing that can happen, life will somehow go on.

Dr. Hottie is going to remove the polyp. He was actually very encouraging. Damn him. He's going to talk to Dr. A.A. personally. Like that's going to change things. But he thinks he can get my blood test results and some more info before the phone conference which is 3 weeks away. I can't help feeling the journey is over. He gave me some sleeping pills so I may get some relief.

Managed to tell my parents. Even my dad who didn't know anything about any of it. We're not huggers so I didn't expect that. They were both seemed very sad and quiet about the whole thing. My mom left the room for a few minutes at one point, I think she was crying. They did ask a few questions. My dad wanted to know why the dr. wasted my money for a year before getting me to a specialist. Then I had to tell him I was trying on my own with a friend the "natural" way for six months before going to the regular dr. Could not have been more uncomfortable. I know they are sad for me and I think they just didn't know what to say or how to make it better. It was so silent for so long at one point, I said I had to go home for the 7pm cry. My mom followed me out, I think she tried to hug me. Guess she just couldn't go all the way though.


  1. It breaks my heart to hear of your suffering. Please take time to work through these feelings but don't cement the worse case scenario in your head just yet. You've had some good news with the other dr. looking into the situation. You never know what might come from that. It sounds like your family will be supportive once they have processed everything. Keep your chin's far too early to throw the towel in yet!

  2. Good God, I really needed to read that. Thank you, thank you.