Holding it together better today. I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried to get up and moving but I was having a hard time catching my breath...couldn't focus or stop crying but I managed to get ready for work. And I took the first anti-depressant. It's a miracle drug as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how it worked so fast, placebo effect or whatever, don't really care. Halfway to work, the being on the edge feeling stopped. I suddenly didn't feel like I was holding back hysteria with a very thin veneer of sanity. The urge to cry stopped. I was able to hold it together. I still don't really care about anything but I'm so relieved to have the tight, desperate, end of the world feeling abate. I was able to fake my way through the day, even through an afternoon of meetings with my principal. I even managed to fake a few smiles and jokes. I am far from ok. But I feel closer to ok than I have all week.
Last night about 30 minutes after I posted, Mom came over. She hugged me and said all the right things. Even stroked my hair like I was a little kid. She tried to distract me with family gossip. I am so relieved she did that. I wish she could really make it all better like when I was younger.
I'm going to try a sleeping pill tonight. Maybe a real night's sleep will help me. Mom told E. I was in a bad way and "doped up". I guess she's right. I don't want to make these things a habit at all but I need some kind of relief or I will go over the edge.