Friday, January 22, 2010

Thank God for Drugs

Holding it together better today. I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried to get up and moving but I was having a hard time catching my breath...couldn't focus or stop crying but I managed to get ready for work. And I took the first anti-depressant. It's a miracle drug as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how it worked so fast, placebo effect or whatever, don't really care. Halfway to work, the being on the edge feeling stopped. I suddenly didn't feel like I was holding back hysteria with a very thin veneer of sanity. The urge to cry stopped. I was able to hold it together. I still don't really care about anything but I'm so relieved to have the tight, desperate, end of the world feeling abate. I was able to fake my way through the day, even through an afternoon of meetings with my principal. I even managed to fake a few smiles and jokes. I am far from ok. But I feel closer to ok than I have all week.

Last night about 30 minutes after I posted, Mom came over. She hugged me and said all the right things. Even stroked my hair like I was a little kid. She tried to distract me with family gossip. I am so relieved she did that. I wish she could really make it all better like when I was younger.

I'm going to try a sleeping pill tonight. Maybe a real night's sleep will help me. Mom told E. I was in a bad way and "doped up". I guess she's right. I don't want to make these things a habit at all but I need some kind of relief or I will go over the edge.


  1. Paige~
    I do not know you.....somehow came across your blog while reading a friend of mine's. I, too, struggle with depression and infertility. The only thing that saved me from my depression was drugs. I hope you find that to be your saving grace, too.
    Best of Luck! Katie

  2. Good that you're feeling better. Glad you took that pill. As you said, you do need a relief, and if these pills are helping you, then great that they exist.