Thursday, January 7, 2010

Uterus Files And Unforseen Crying Jag

I cannot stop thinking about my uterus or trying to feel symptoms. I wish for one minute...just 60 seconds of uterus-free thinking. No matter what I do, the thoughts pervade. Was that a cramp? Am I especially tired? Boobs sore? What cycle day is this? What cycle day will it be when I have the consultation with the specialist? Will I feel anything by then? Will I be taking down the Christmas tree next January with a baby in the midst of the boxes and tissue paper? (Don't look at me like that you hyperorganized maniacs, yes, I'm just now getting my tree down) My due date would be.... this last is a thought I try to quell..too late... My mind won't quit...round and round and round with the same damm thoughts over and over and over until I could scream.

4 inches of snow and high winds here in the midwest. My school called a Snow Day! Usually this is a thrill I look forward to every year. Oh, the complete and utter joy of a random day off. No excuse not to get the tree down. Also...lots of alone time with few distractions from the constant reruns of The Uterus Files. I spent a good half hour this morning crying "the ugly cry". Not sure what brought it on and I couldn't seem to stop. Disheartening not only because it can put a damper on the whole day but because up til today the past two cycles have been completely tear free. Not even a whimper or a stray tear found me and it was such sweet relief...

I've been a wailing, bawling, blubbering maniac for over a year now. ANYTHING could set me off, from the expected like seeing a baby anywhere doing anything to everyday stuff like popping a button off my blouse. Horrible way to go about life, even if most of the blubbering is medication induced. So the past two cycles have brought some well needed respite. I thought it was because my Dr. really encouraged me at the beginning of the last cycle or because my body was becoming used to the medication or perhaps I'm finally accepting the infertility merry-go-round. I truly didn't care felt so good to not be constantly on Weep Alert.

Hoping this morning's crying jag was a fluke. Looks like another snow day tomorrow. More time alone with my thoughts......

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