Today I'm feeling so much better. Last night, I started thinking about donor eggs, donor embryos and reading about them online. As the thought that I could still pull this off entered my mind, it was the only time in the past week I've felt anything like hope or interest in anything. I KNOW I'm being overly dramatic, I KNOW. But it's how I feel. Also, I think the drugs left my body. Combination of sleeping pill and antidepressant. I don't think it was good for me. Not sure, keeping them both and considering further use. I feel so much better today, but I'm afraid it might be temporary. Quite a few tough things to go through still.
I emailed my mom and asked her if she thought I should consider donor eggs. She responded:
"I can't help but think of when we were trying to get Joy bred. If you remember, she totally refused the male, even got vicious. After several tries, she was examined & found to have constrictions & had to be spayed. Phil said Mother Nature was trying to tell us something. When there's that much trouble conceiving, the pregnancy &/or delivery would have been very difficult, even life-threatening. I"m not saying I don't agree with it. I am saying it needs to be thoroughly investigated before making a decision. As much pain as you're in now, it could be worse. But, it wouldn't hurt to do the investigating & ask both drs. questions & more questions. I also think you need some time to heal from this. I have faith that you will do what needs to be done to make the right decision for you. If you're at all concerned about a child conceived in this way being accepted and loved by us, you really don't need to be at all concerned about that, you know that, right? Be assured we love you so much & it's so hard seeing you hurt like this. We'll do everything we can to help you through this, just let us know how. Please realize you have our total support in whatever decision you make. Does this help?"
I have a great mom.
The appointment with the 2nd opinion is not until March 12. Seems so far away. I've never gotten a second opinion on anything and I'm nervous about it. If #2 has the same finding as Dr. A.A. I'll want to return to Dr. A.A. for further treatment, if any. But he'll know I got that second opinion and will he treat me differently for not trusting him. It's not that I don't trust him, but this is big time shit with my life! Should I email him and explain all this? Or grow up and realize this kind of thing happens all the time.
As usual, my local hospital's right hand doesn't know what it's left hand is doing. They wanted me to call for a health history and to give me instructions. When I called back, I got transferred FIVE times and disconnected TWO times. Finally, I left a message and will try again tomorrow. grrr
For the first time since I became a reading teacher one and a half years ago, I felt impatient with my students this afternoon. Thank you, Infertility. One of the reasons I took the opportunity to leave the classroom was that the stress made me impatient and annoyed with the kids. I have absolutely loved being a reading teacher, teaching in small groups took all the stress away and left only the joy. Granted, it seemed to be a wild day for the whole school. Too much indoor recess and teachers stressed over testing. The morning was good though. Good to be busy and purposeful. Good to have my thoughts on something else besides the dried up raisins that are my eggs. Look...I made a little joke....I must be feeling more myself.