I almost let yesterday's date slip by without remembering that one year ago Dr. AA told me my eggs were nearly nonexistent and rotten. How naive I was back then to think of Dominished Ovarian Reserve as the worst possible thing that could happen. I now laugh bitterly at my innocent self of days gone by. HA HA
Everytime I tried to change my fate, the attempt got wrecked.
And life got worse.
Everytime I dragged myself from the bottom of hopelessness and gave myself a new chance,
I got slammed down harder and lower than I thought I could ever go.
How much lower is there?
Surely now I've hit bottom.
What if a year from now I'm laughing bitterly at the self I am now?
Because I dragged myself up one last time
and yet again was slammed into the ground.
I won't survive another slam.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
How I Told My Parents
This post is going out by request to Inbetween:
I had intended to keep my plans to start a family top secret. I knew my family would be happy and supportive about a grandchild on the way but I didn't know how they would react about the process. I didn't want their opinions to sway my thoughts about going forward. I used a known donor for a while and it's pretty high on the ick factor to bring up that Mr. X is over here banging me multiple times during a certain time of the month. Also, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would take so long to bring my dream to life. When I began to see what a struggle it would be, I wanted to spare them some of the heartbreak I was going through each month. It's hard to keep a big secret that effects every facet of your life for so long.
Eventually I got to the IUI with donor sperm stage. At one point, I had a very long wait at the doctor's office and I was supposed to pick up my niece. I had left my phone in the car so asked the nurse if I could use the office phone to call my mom and ask her to pick up my niece. My mother didn't even say hello. Just, "Why are you calling from the doctor's?" Curses! Caller ID. So I'd sort of given up my secret by mistake. I didn't tell her on the phone, but later that night when I got to Mom's she said, "Tell me you're not dying or something." My pessimistic mother. I was glad to have an opening to tell her. She was extremely surprised but responded with joy and support. It was good to have someone who was on my side to know something about the struggle. After that, she asked every chance she got for an update on how the process was going. Almost to my annoyance, but I was hungry to share it and have support.
Dad? Neither my mother or I told my dad. A few months after I told my mom, I went to an RE and he told me that my eggs were nearly non-existent, dried up and useless to me. I was so devastated and heartbroken. I knew after 24 hours of crying that I wouldn't be able to keep it from them. We are a pretty close family and see each other often. So I went over there and just blurted everything out. My mother reacted with disbelieve, sadness and a little anger. My father said he was sorry to hear that and asked why it took the first doctor so long to get me to a specialist. So I had to tell them about trying for a year with a known donor and then an anonymous donor. After that he said very little, but I know he was concerned that I was so broken hearted. Since then he NEVER brings it up but responds with support if I do.
In the words of Shrek, "Better out, than in". It has been much better going through this with the people I love knowing, and able to show support and concern for me. Since I'm going it alone, I needed someone on my side. It's much easier not having to constantly watch what I say when many times there is one thing and one thing only on my mind.
I still have vivid daydreams about telling my parents that their next grandchild is on the way.
I had intended to keep my plans to start a family top secret. I knew my family would be happy and supportive about a grandchild on the way but I didn't know how they would react about the process. I didn't want their opinions to sway my thoughts about going forward. I used a known donor for a while and it's pretty high on the ick factor to bring up that Mr. X is over here banging me multiple times during a certain time of the month. Also, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would take so long to bring my dream to life. When I began to see what a struggle it would be, I wanted to spare them some of the heartbreak I was going through each month. It's hard to keep a big secret that effects every facet of your life for so long.
Eventually I got to the IUI with donor sperm stage. At one point, I had a very long wait at the doctor's office and I was supposed to pick up my niece. I had left my phone in the car so asked the nurse if I could use the office phone to call my mom and ask her to pick up my niece. My mother didn't even say hello. Just, "Why are you calling from the doctor's?" Curses! Caller ID. So I'd sort of given up my secret by mistake. I didn't tell her on the phone, but later that night when I got to Mom's she said, "Tell me you're not dying or something." My pessimistic mother. I was glad to have an opening to tell her. She was extremely surprised but responded with joy and support. It was good to have someone who was on my side to know something about the struggle. After that, she asked every chance she got for an update on how the process was going. Almost to my annoyance, but I was hungry to share it and have support.
Dad? Neither my mother or I told my dad. A few months after I told my mom, I went to an RE and he told me that my eggs were nearly non-existent, dried up and useless to me. I was so devastated and heartbroken. I knew after 24 hours of crying that I wouldn't be able to keep it from them. We are a pretty close family and see each other often. So I went over there and just blurted everything out. My mother reacted with disbelieve, sadness and a little anger. My father said he was sorry to hear that and asked why it took the first doctor so long to get me to a specialist. So I had to tell them about trying for a year with a known donor and then an anonymous donor. After that he said very little, but I know he was concerned that I was so broken hearted. Since then he NEVER brings it up but responds with support if I do.
In the words of Shrek, "Better out, than in". It has been much better going through this with the people I love knowing, and able to show support and concern for me. Since I'm going it alone, I needed someone on my side. It's much easier not having to constantly watch what I say when many times there is one thing and one thing only on my mind.
I still have vivid daydreams about telling my parents that their next grandchild is on the way.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Channeling Esther Williams
I went to water aerobics today. Yes, water aerobics, where I huff and puff around the pool doing exercise moves I could no way in hell do outside the water. Let me tell you it's not pretty and in no way resembles this: (not even in my imagination)
First of all, let's not even discuss getting into the swimsuit for the first time this season. I would have liked to cover up more, wear a t-shirt or something. I was wondering if I would feel completely out of place if I showed up in something like these stylish young people are sporting:
First of all, let's not even discuss getting into the swimsuit for the first time this season. I would have liked to cover up more, wear a t-shirt or something. I was wondering if I would feel completely out of place if I showed up in something like these stylish young people are sporting:
I began taking water exercise classes a few years ago when I had trouble with my knees. Being in the water was better than any drug for my knee pain. I loved going because I knew I would be pain free for the rest of the day. I also liked that it was a reason to get up and get moving early in the morning during vacations.
But this time, I don't know. I just felt...like here I am again, still fat, still bumbling around in the water with the oldsters. Don't get me wrong, I really admire the seniors who are able to get moving like that at their age. I used to be inspired by them. They seem so sprightly and have such good attitudes. I'm the youngest person in the class by about 30 years and the tallest by at least 6 inches. It used to make me feel good, like the hot, young babe of the class. But I wasn't feeling youthful or hot today. I just felt....old.
Then I came home an pottered around, or is it puttered around the house. The big event was getting emissions testing for the car.
The doubts crowd in. Am I too old to become a parent? Will I be able to keep up with a youngster? My parents are getting older, will they be able to help me as much as I've been counting on? Before infertility I never felt "old" or thought about being too "old".
Please wait while I tamp down the doubt and talk myself out of these stupid thoughts.....
I believe with all my heart that this is the perfect time for me to be starting my family. If I am truly meant to be a parent as I believe I am, then I WILL become a parent. I am NOT old but am young of heart, spirit, mind and body. Having a youngster around will KEEP me young and vital.
There that's better, now, off to find an early bird special for supper. Hehehe
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My Security Blanket
On the day that I received the news that my eggs were dried up, I came home and crawled into the pajamas I had worn the night before and didn't crawl out for two days. There was nothing special about these pajamas. I have many that are newer or more comfortable. These just happen to be the ones that were the most accessible when all I could think about was throwing myself into bed and crying until I couldn't cry anymore.
They weren't even my favorite jammies but they became my security blanket. Ancient flannel washed to softness and ready to comfort. They came with some froggie slippers that disintegrated years ago. I wore them when I couldn't stop crying, when I was angry with the myself for waiting so long, when I wanted to hide from the world. I wore them when I was grieving the children I would never have and when I was so angry at God I was unable to pray for help. And I've worn them when the light started shining a little again and while pouring over egg donor profiles. I've worn these P.J.s every night since I was told that bearing my own genetic children would not be possible. Every night. And a few days as well.
Now springtime weather is creeping in and my froggie jammies are almost uncomfortable. I know I'll soon have to fold my security blanket away in a drawer for the season. I'm unsure that I'm ready to put away my sadness about having to abandon my own genetics. I'm confident and sure about the donor egg situation but there may always be a tiny piece of me that is missing a child that would have carried my DNA.
When cooler weather rolls around again, I wonder if bringing out these tired jammies will be a painful reminder of what I've gone through this winter or if I'll only remember the comfort they brought me.
They weren't even my favorite jammies but they became my security blanket. Ancient flannel washed to softness and ready to comfort. They came with some froggie slippers that disintegrated years ago. I wore them when I couldn't stop crying, when I was angry with the myself for waiting so long, when I wanted to hide from the world. I wore them when I was grieving the children I would never have and when I was so angry at God I was unable to pray for help. And I've worn them when the light started shining a little again and while pouring over egg donor profiles. I've worn these P.J.s every night since I was told that bearing my own genetic children would not be possible. Every night. And a few days as well.
Now springtime weather is creeping in and my froggie jammies are almost uncomfortable. I know I'll soon have to fold my security blanket away in a drawer for the season. I'm unsure that I'm ready to put away my sadness about having to abandon my own genetics. I'm confident and sure about the donor egg situation but there may always be a tiny piece of me that is missing a child that would have carried my DNA.When cooler weather rolls around again, I wonder if bringing out these tired jammies will be a painful reminder of what I've gone through this winter or if I'll only remember the comfort they brought me.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
First Day of Spring Break
I expected a loss when I stepped on the scale this week. Ok, nutrition hasn't been perfect, but when is it ever perfect? I thought I'd done pretty well overall. Again, I have stayed the same. Again! I'm getting frustrated and I want to quit. If I'm not going to lose weight I may as well eat what I want and not have the hassle of tracking.
Sigh....I'm NOT going to quit, though. At my size, I know I can never stop trying. I'm hoping it might be partially the birth control, partially PMS and partially some chub turning to muscle.
My hair stylist is studying kinesiology and hopes to be a personal trainer someday. I call her my faux trainer. She has advised me to eat more protein and fiber and cut back on carbs and continue exercising. That's pretty much what she always advises me to do. Guess that's what I'll try to do, just like I always do.
She also gave me this fab 'do
Sigh....I'm NOT going to quit, though. At my size, I know I can never stop trying. I'm hoping it might be partially the birth control, partially PMS and partially some chub turning to muscle.
My hair stylist is studying kinesiology and hopes to be a personal trainer someday. I call her my faux trainer. She has advised me to eat more protein and fiber and cut back on carbs and continue exercising. That's pretty much what she always advises me to do. Guess that's what I'll try to do, just like I always do.
She also gave me this fab 'do
And folks, when I say the color is red, it is RED! Red like a crayon is red. The pic is bright but doesn't really show how very bright. Makes me feel pretty darn HOT!
I purchased a replacement for my dying computer:
A middle of the road Dell. My first laptop. Thank God for 18 months free financing. It's barely out of the box and I'm still relying on my old pc for now, but looking forward to the freedom of a laptop.
I've read so much about acupuncture and infertility I thought I'd look into it. I NEVER thought there would be a practitioner in my small town. I just knew I'd have to trek into St. Louis for something like that, but I was wrong. There are a few in my town and one is a country girl who grew up out here in the sticks and was a schoolmate of my dad's. I guess I was far out of line when I pictured the wizened older woman of Asian ancestry. I'm going to make some calls next week and check into it. May as well give myself every advantage that I can.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
15 and 4.9
My lovely donor has 15 follicles on her initial antral follicle count, yes, she does!
And an FSH of 4.9. That's right!
From what I understand these are good numbers and she should respond well to ovarian stimulation. Dr. AA has given her a medication protocol and Connie will be working on our calendar soon.
One little step closer.
Happy St. Pat's!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Happy Birthday, DollFace
DollFace's 5th birthday! When I started talking to her about her birthday a few days ago she said, "Birthday? Is that something with presents?" She couldn't think of anything she wanted for a gift but made sure we all knew she wanted a pink and red cake, pink and red balloons and pink and red presents. And so a pink and red birthday it was! I was so pleased to be able to get her a book called "Pinkalicious" along with a few things for helping with gardening this spring. Her daddy made her a red velvet cake with pink icing and after presents we all played a Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament. A grand time was had by all.
I can't wait to see what DollFace's 5th year brings her. So much to be learned in this year. How to tie shoes, ride bikes, whistle, blow bubble gum bubbles, and of course, off to kindergarten in the fall. The baby of our family is growing up.
Connie from the clinic did contact me today and tell me that she would get the donor's test results to me by Wednesday or Thursday and that she would be working on May calendars next week and would call me in for a meeting after that. Also, that I would start taking the more serious medication on April 22. Seems really far away but just knowing that date is a comfort to me. I have a time frame to think about and can relax until that date is closer.
Jill, I wanted to thank you for being my cycling mentor. I've learned so much through your advice. And thank you everyone for always being encouraging, I'm grateful to have this safe place to be negative, nervous, happy, sad or anything else I need to be.
I can't wait to see what DollFace's 5th year brings her. So much to be learned in this year. How to tie shoes, ride bikes, whistle, blow bubble gum bubbles, and of course, off to kindergarten in the fall. The baby of our family is growing up.
Connie from the clinic did contact me today and tell me that she would get the donor's test results to me by Wednesday or Thursday and that she would be working on May calendars next week and would call me in for a meeting after that. Also, that I would start taking the more serious medication on April 22. Seems really far away but just knowing that date is a comfort to me. I have a time frame to think about and can relax until that date is closer.
Jill, I wanted to thank you for being my cycling mentor. I've learned so much through your advice. And thank you everyone for always being encouraging, I'm grateful to have this safe place to be negative, nervous, happy, sad or anything else I need to be.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Communication
I'm really starting to wonder about this clinic. Last Monday I was handed off by Sharon and was told Connie would be in touch soon. After hearing nothing for almost a week, I emailed all three of the ladies I've been in contact with at the clinic just to remind them I was out there and with some questions. I got a response later in the day but clearly there was a breakdown in communication somewhere. Either Sharon didn't tell Connie about me or Connie forgot me. Connie's response told me all about my lovely donor but nothing about MY schedule or medication.
My lovely donor is on day 5 of her cycle and had blood work today. She will be having an antral follicle count ultrasound tomorrow. Oh yes, she will! I can't wait to hear the results. I couldn't be happy about my own results but I'm looking forward to rejoicing about hers (ours?). She's 24, already has a child and is healthy. She is going to have great results. I can FEEL it!
I feel such a strange but strong kinship to this young lady who I really know so little but so much about. I really want her to remain anonymous for now but I keep toying with the idea of writing her a letter and maybe sending her a gift. But what do I say to an amazing woman who is giving the most amazing gift I'll ever recieve? Not sure if things like that are even permitted by my agency. I definitely don't want to have too much contact as I'm sure I would become a nuisance to her, asking if she took her medication and ate her veggies. I would like to thank her somehow though.
My lovely donor is on day 5 of her cycle and had blood work today. She will be having an antral follicle count ultrasound tomorrow. Oh yes, she will! I can't wait to hear the results. I couldn't be happy about my own results but I'm looking forward to rejoicing about hers (ours?). She's 24, already has a child and is healthy. She is going to have great results. I can FEEL it!
I feel such a strange but strong kinship to this young lady who I really know so little but so much about. I really want her to remain anonymous for now but I keep toying with the idea of writing her a letter and maybe sending her a gift. But what do I say to an amazing woman who is giving the most amazing gift I'll ever recieve? Not sure if things like that are even permitted by my agency. I definitely don't want to have too much contact as I'm sure I would become a nuisance to her, asking if she took her medication and ate her veggies. I would like to thank her somehow though.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thinking Positive
My last few posts have sounded almost like I'm expecting a negative outcome. I'm protecting my heart, I guess. There are so many unknowns in this whole process but I have NO reason at all to expect that my dream won't come true. In fact, I have a few reasons to expect that I WILL have a positive outcome.
- I'm healthy
- My dr told me my lining was "perfect"
- I have a young, healthy donor
- My clinic has a very good success rate
Hmmm I thought I'd have a much longer list of reasons to expect a positive outcome...
No matter, I'm going to try to stash away the negative and focus on the positive.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Conference Quandary
I've been proctoring the ISAT test for our third graders all week. My heart goes out to our kids who have been working so hard and are so very serious while taking the test. They know it's a big deal and that they are being asked to prove themselves as representatives of our school. One little boy was so engrossed that when the teacher was walking around monitoring, he didn't notice her until she got very close and then she startled him and he fell out of his chair. However, for me it has been more boring than watching grass grow. Within about 20 minutes of starting the test, I feel the urge to start pacing like a caged animal. By the end of testing the second group of kids, I could scream. It is my sincere hope that our test scores show the hard work and true growth of our students and teachers.
Thank God I got my car back today and turned in the gas-smelling, motor-smoking Mazda van rental. I'm so happy to have that ordeal over with. Her insurance paid for everything but it was a pain in the arse with a lot of phone calls and running around.
I usually don't get opportunities like this but my principal has asked me to go to three different reading conferences. In March, at the end of April and mid July. The mid-March one is about an hour away, no big deal. The other two will require travel by plane and hotel stays and I won't really know where I'll be as far as becoming/being pregnant. I don't want to plan my life assuming I'll become pregnant but I don't want to have to back out at the last minute because of the treatment schedule or a high-risk pregnancy. At the end of April, I'll just be finishing up the cycle before THE cycle. But my period did show up 5 days early this month and until I have an IVF calendar in my hot, little hands I will feel like anything could happen. Heck, anything could happen after I get the calendar, it all seems so uncertain.
Mid-July I'll either be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy or nursing a disappointed broken heart or trying again. Please, please, please, let me be experiencing pregnancy with all it's joys and trials.
Thank God I got my car back today and turned in the gas-smelling, motor-smoking Mazda van rental. I'm so happy to have that ordeal over with. Her insurance paid for everything but it was a pain in the arse with a lot of phone calls and running around.
I usually don't get opportunities like this but my principal has asked me to go to three different reading conferences. In March, at the end of April and mid July. The mid-March one is about an hour away, no big deal. The other two will require travel by plane and hotel stays and I won't really know where I'll be as far as becoming/being pregnant. I don't want to plan my life assuming I'll become pregnant but I don't want to have to back out at the last minute because of the treatment schedule or a high-risk pregnancy. At the end of April, I'll just be finishing up the cycle before THE cycle. But my period did show up 5 days early this month and until I have an IVF calendar in my hot, little hands I will feel like anything could happen. Heck, anything could happen after I get the calendar, it all seems so uncertain.
Mid-July I'll either be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy or nursing a disappointed broken heart or trying again. Please, please, please, let me be experiencing pregnancy with all it's joys and trials.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The Same
I had a thought today that things have been mostly the same for me for my whole adult life.
I've been overweight since I was a teen. I attempt to lose weight time and time again but I'm never successful for any length of time.
I have been alone for what adds up to years. I've tried hard to find the love of my life and been in a few relationships but ultimately ended up on my own.
I've lived within a 10 mile radius of where I was born. I've moved three times but I'm now in the home that I'm pretty sure I will live in for the rest of my life.
I've worked at the same school for 13 years. I've had three different positions within that school but my car doesn't know how to drive anywhere else.
And although I've had a deep yearning to be a mother since childhood, I'm still without children.
What if a year from now.....things are still the same.
I've been overweight since I was a teen. I attempt to lose weight time and time again but I'm never successful for any length of time.
I have been alone for what adds up to years. I've tried hard to find the love of my life and been in a few relationships but ultimately ended up on my own.
I've lived within a 10 mile radius of where I was born. I've moved three times but I'm now in the home that I'm pretty sure I will live in for the rest of my life.
I've worked at the same school for 13 years. I've had three different positions within that school but my car doesn't know how to drive anywhere else.
And although I've had a deep yearning to be a mother since childhood, I'm still without children.
What if a year from now.....things are still the same.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
News Flash: Donor Decision Made
BIG NEWS! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
I've picked a donor and I'm going to book the April cycle! I am very excited to have some ginormous decisions made and be moving forward. I have come full circle by choosing a donor I had first considered weeks ago. My donor is a smart, healthy and funny young lady who has big dreams and she looks enough like me that I think she won't stick out in an obvious way. She is the "stubborn" one I mentioned earlier. I am very grateful and humbled to be able to invite these genes into my family.
There are two things I'm worried about. Of course, what would a single step of this journey be without at least a little worry? This donor has A negative blood, I'm O positive. Every article I've read says it really doesn't matter but mostly those are about fetuses with differing blood types not about a body accepting and implanting an opposite blood typed embryo. Seems like my body would be more likely to reject a seed that doesn't have similar blood type. The second thing is that is that she is young. 24 I'm worried that she won't be responsible with medication or will back out. I feel that even considering the daunting and miraculous undertaking of becoming a donor indicates maturity but she's very young. I should look for the best I know....but I can't help but worry a little.
When Dr. 2's nurse told me that they are affiliated with a religious hospital and he doesn't work with single patients, I sort of went through a few minutes of grief and anger. All the emotions of being told I couldn't conceive my own genetic children came rushing back and the unfairness of this whole long, grueling journey. I asked the nurse if they could recommend anyone else who would work with me on a second opinion. Well, the first name out of her mouth was someone who Dr. Hottie had steered me away from, too cutting edge and out for the fame, does some stuff that may be very risky, he said. I made an appointment with the second name she gave me but it isn't for months.
And so my decision to go ahead was made. I cannot wait the months and months for the second opinion. I simply can't. The time is now. I want to start my family. My womb has been empty far too long and is craving fullness. My heart is crying out for a child to love. I was made to be a mother and I can't wait any longer.
If I had any lingering little doubt about using donor DNA, it was quashed by this article. So much of it resonated with me, except the husband part of course. lol
Especially the last paragraph:
"When a friend said to me recently, "I'm sure your boys will be tall, like you are!" I nodded before remembering, and reminding her, that genetically, my children aren't related to me. I had to laugh. When you're busy playing hide-and-seek and reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and scraping peas off the floor, the last thing you think about is your babies' DNA."
I'm going to have a wonderful, amazing, unbelievable family. It doesn't really matter how we came to be together.
In other news, as I was driving to work on Friday a silly teenager with frosted over windows did not see me and t-boned right into the side of my car. Thank God, we were both going pretty slow, I was able to avoid ramming into a third car and no one was hurt. My car was hurt though. Smashed in front quarter panel and it looked like the wheel was bent in. She was insured and I've got a nice rental. Mostly it's a huge hassle.
In other, other news. I went to a friend's 50th birthday party last night. Some of my retired friends were there and they were all swapping stories about hot flashes. And THEN, one of them turned to me and said "You're still in your 40's, aren't you? You don't have to worry about this stuff for a while." Ummmm I'M ONLY 38! Do you hear me? 38! I used to be told that I looked younger than my age and I never really worried about getting older. Now that I'm facing "advanced maternal age", I think about it a lot. Thank you, Infertility.
In still other news, C. has a screw up little sister, A. I hate to say that about her but she really is messed up. She does drugs, steals (she once stole C.'s wedding ring) and cannot hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Anyway, apparently A. has this bartender friend who just found out she is pregnant. She's 22 and already has a 3 year old she's struggling to take care of. Previously, C. had told some of my story to A, trying to put feelers out for anyone A. might know who would want to be an egg donor. Can you see where this is going?
Well I guess when this friend was hysterical and crying on A.'s shoulder for hours about how is she going to take care of this new baby, she's barely making it already etc. A. mentioned me and kind of talked me up as a potential adoptive mom. I'm genuinely surprised and touched that A. thought of me. Apparently, this girl was only able to calm down after hearing about me.
Now, my instinct is that this is not going to happen. This girl somehow made it work when she was 19 and having a baby, she'll realize she can somehow make it now too. She's just panicking right now.
I would have some serious thinking to do too. You hear those stories about birth mothers taking the children away from the adoptive mothers. I know I would have to do some major research and seriously button up everything legally. Thankfully, S.'s dad is a judge and I know he would help me. I don't think I could survive the broken heart if she changed her mind and took the little one back.
She told A. she would only be interested in open adoption and I'm not sure how much drama that could be inviting into a child's life. Not to mention mega abandonment issues for the baby considering she kept the first child. Also, she's a bartender and A.'s friend. What has she been drinking and doing while she's pregnant? She doesn't know who the father is, it could be one of a series of men.
Ohhhh, the unfairness of it all!!!!! It doesn't seem right that this gal gets pregnant so easily and here I am wanting it with every breath of my being, working at it full time and I can't. In the stoic words of my father, "That is not something we can control".
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Poptarts
Things I do not like:
- teenagers who neglect to scrape the frost off their car, thus cannot see you and ram into the side of your car
- 2nd opinion doctors who WILL NOT work with single women
- waking up with that scratchy feeling in the back of your throat that means you're getting sick
- working on Saturday
Things I do like:
- Poptarts
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Project Preggers: Stand by
What does it say about me that I don't have much to write about since I'm in a holding pattern on Project Preggers? I'm boring? I lead a quiet life? I'm obsessed with getting pregnant?
I could write about my early pick for American Idol. (Paige Miles, of course with that name I'm sure she's a winner)
Or my pick for the gold in the Olympic Ladies Figure Skating (The Canadian gal)
Or the problems I've been having with mini-binges (had a legit reason to stop at Walgreen's and then bought a bunch of candy)
Or that I've be working out this week (yay, me)
Or how I've been daydreaming about walking around barefoot and feeling the sun on my face (soooo weary of cold, brown, dreary February)
Or that two of my students at school are academically growing like crazy and I couldn't be prouder. (This is why I went into teaching!)
But....what I've really been thinking about is the choice to push the IVF to May. I really don't want to wait. I really want to be pregnant as soon as possible. A part of my brain doesn't care what Dr. 2 has to say. Another part thinks I already know what he's going to say so why bother. An egg donor is the fastest way to grow my family and I want to move forward. Now, dammit! Now!
Then I remember, I will wonder for the rest of my life what that doctor might have said and how it could have changed the course of my life.
And so the days grind by and I wait....
I could write about my early pick for American Idol. (Paige Miles, of course with that name I'm sure she's a winner)
Or my pick for the gold in the Olympic Ladies Figure Skating (The Canadian gal)
Or the problems I've been having with mini-binges (had a legit reason to stop at Walgreen's and then bought a bunch of candy)
Or that I've be working out this week (yay, me)
Or how I've been daydreaming about walking around barefoot and feeling the sun on my face (soooo weary of cold, brown, dreary February)
Or that two of my students at school are academically growing like crazy and I couldn't be prouder. (This is why I went into teaching!)
But....what I've really been thinking about is the choice to push the IVF to May. I really don't want to wait. I really want to be pregnant as soon as possible. A part of my brain doesn't care what Dr. 2 has to say. Another part thinks I already know what he's going to say so why bother. An egg donor is the fastest way to grow my family and I want to move forward. Now, dammit! Now!
Then I remember, I will wonder for the rest of my life what that doctor might have said and how it could have changed the course of my life.
And so the days grind by and I wait....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Money, Tests, Choices, NOT Binging
Phone conference with Money Lady:
On the phone she said I was well insured and it seemed like the total for everything would be much lower than I had thought. Yay!
Then...
She called back and said there was a mistake on the insurance provider's end and that anything for the donor wouldn't be covered.
I'm struck by the unfairness of having to pay, pay, pay for what most people get for free. Why can't I be in the "most people" category. I'm happy to pay if it means I can build a family but sheesh!
Blood Test Results:
FSH 15
LH 6
Testosterone 67 The normal range is 20-76. So I was in range but seems kinda high?
and many, many others.
Not sure what it means but I do know that I was not really able to find any success stories about women having success if their FSH was over 12 or so. I'm frightened of damaged eggs and damaged babies. Not sure I could survive that.
Choosing a Donor:
The donor agency can't seem to get in touch with my first choice. I have to make a decision and get some money in to both the agency and clinic by next Friday if I want to book the April cycle. Would I regret not waiting and just going for my second choice? Also, by waiting I would have time to go to my second opinion appointment and digest what he had to tell me. So very difficult to have patience. I want to get moving and become pregnant. This waiting can drive a person crazy.
School:
Today was the second of two days of professional development. My back is aching from sitting all day long. And tomorrow will be more sitting for our usual Friday meetings. The PD provider is a marathon runner. She has such a lean little body. I can't help but wonder what it must feel to look like that.
Binging:
I've been craving sugar like crazy all day long! I could so easily go into a binge here. So easily. I did have some sugar today. A few pieces of candy at the meeting, a couple small cookies at lunch and a cupcake with DollFace, but it was not mindless eating. I am trying very hard to will myself away from binging. Tomorrow is our Soul Food Luncheon in honor of Black History Month. God give me strength because I know that will be some good grub.
On the phone she said I was well insured and it seemed like the total for everything would be much lower than I had thought. Yay!
Then...
She called back and said there was a mistake on the insurance provider's end and that anything for the donor wouldn't be covered.
I'm struck by the unfairness of having to pay, pay, pay for what most people get for free. Why can't I be in the "most people" category. I'm happy to pay if it means I can build a family but sheesh!
Blood Test Results:
FSH 15
LH 6
Testosterone 67 The normal range is 20-76. So I was in range but seems kinda high?
and many, many others.
Not sure what it means but I do know that I was not really able to find any success stories about women having success if their FSH was over 12 or so. I'm frightened of damaged eggs and damaged babies. Not sure I could survive that.
Choosing a Donor:
The donor agency can't seem to get in touch with my first choice. I have to make a decision and get some money in to both the agency and clinic by next Friday if I want to book the April cycle. Would I regret not waiting and just going for my second choice? Also, by waiting I would have time to go to my second opinion appointment and digest what he had to tell me. So very difficult to have patience. I want to get moving and become pregnant. This waiting can drive a person crazy.
School:
Today was the second of two days of professional development. My back is aching from sitting all day long. And tomorrow will be more sitting for our usual Friday meetings. The PD provider is a marathon runner. She has such a lean little body. I can't help but wonder what it must feel to look like that.
Binging:
I've been craving sugar like crazy all day long! I could so easily go into a binge here. So easily. I did have some sugar today. A few pieces of candy at the meeting, a couple small cookies at lunch and a cupcake with DollFace, but it was not mindless eating. I am trying very hard to will myself away from binging. Tomorrow is our Soul Food Luncheon in honor of Black History Month. God give me strength because I know that will be some good grub.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Brass Tacks
Well, it's getting down to the brass tacks. I'm trying to finalize a decision on a donor and I have a phone conference with the money person at the clinic. Getting ready to write some very hefty checks. Doing that is making it "real". It is also giving me ummm cold feet. Just a mild case, mind you. I keep weighing the risks. If this doesn't work, it could break me. Emotionally, mentally, financially..,.every possible way. Is it worth the risk? 100% YES! I have little nagging doubts every day but if nothing comes of this I want to know for certain that I did everything possible to achieve my little bit of something wonderful.
Choosing a donor is very daunting. Funny because although I spent plenty of time looking at sperm donor profiles, I did not fret or feel near as much uncertainty as I have with the egg donor. I have spent many hours studying the few profiles available to me, looking for just the right one. All the women are beautiful and the fact that they are donors makes them beautiful on the inside as well. I would love for my child to have that kind of giving spirit. I keep telling myself that I really can't go wrong.
In Olympic news:
I believe this is the hottest thing on skates!
Choosing a donor is very daunting. Funny because although I spent plenty of time looking at sperm donor profiles, I did not fret or feel near as much uncertainty as I have with the egg donor. I have spent many hours studying the few profiles available to me, looking for just the right one. All the women are beautiful and the fact that they are donors makes them beautiful on the inside as well. I would love for my child to have that kind of giving spirit. I keep telling myself that I really can't go wrong.
In Olympic news:
I believe this is the hottest thing on skates!
I cannot wait to see Evan Lysacek beat the Russian tomorrow night in figure skating!
GO USA! GO USA! GO USA!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Phone Consult...Finally
The Dr. said he would call around noon today. At 12:50 I was in the midst of firing off an email to him when the phone rang. Thank God! He apologized very profusely and really did sound like he had laryngitis. He said all my blood tests looked good and I could go forward with donor eggs if I wanted. Whew! He answered all my questions and was very kind. I should look for the clinical manager to get in touch with me about medications and it looks like April will be THE cycle. I've got an email in to the donor egg agency and will be getting the ball rolling with them.
I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.
Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.
I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?
I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.
Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.
It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.
Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.
I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.
Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.
I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?
I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.
Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.
It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.
Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Doctor email and the Olympics
I heard back from the dr. Here's what he had to say:
"Sorry about the mix up
I did call the numbers I had and one did not work...one no answer.
I am rechecking he numbers and will call you
Wee will chat at some point this weekend that works!
I appreciate the email."
Ok, there was a mix up I can understand that. However, I'm wondering if he really tried both numbers or if he's just covering his All American Ass. The clinical manager had already told me he wasn't feeling well and went home early that day. He could have taken my file with him but I was right there with both phones and I'm dorky enough to call each phone from the other phone to be sure the ringer was on and I can hear it well before the time of the appt. Neither phone made a peep and his number did not show up on either one's caller id. The office could have written a number down wrong or he could have dialed one wrong, but both?
If I move forward these people will be handling my embryo. What if there's a "mix up" with that or they (he) lies about something more important. It's all very disconcerting.
I do not like being a person who would think the worst about someone. Anyone have any thoughts? Mix up or liar, liar All American pants on fire?
Not to mention "at some point" "that works". WTF???? WHEN???? At some point WHEN??? WHEN "works"????
Not to mention I'm STILL going crazy with waiting for info.
grrrrrr
In hair news, I got mine cut and colored today. Ahhh, there is nothing quite like the feeling of walking out of the salon with what you know to be a kickass color and cut. It's probably when I feel the best about my looks. I tried to take a pic but I'd already ruined the style by working out and I couldn't get a good angle.
The Olympics began in Vancouver last night. What a thrill! The pageantry, the patriotism, the intere
st stories, that Olympic theme they play on NBC with the kettle drums, the competition. I love it all! I think it's the closest we ever come to world peace. I watched the opening ceremonies and I was impressed with all the technology. When those "whales" swam across the floor! I also loved those crazy fiddlers who looked like they were part Braveheart warrior, part Harley Davidson gang members and part cloggers. k d lang was awesome singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I love getting to know the host country and all the athletes. I'm considering myself Canadian American for the next few weeks!
"Sorry about the mix up
I did call the numbers I had and one did not work...one no answer.
I am rechecking he numbers and will call you
Wee will chat at some point this weekend that works!
I appreciate the email."
Ok, there was a mix up I can understand that. However, I'm wondering if he really tried both numbers or if he's just covering his All American Ass. The clinical manager had already told me he wasn't feeling well and went home early that day. He could have taken my file with him but I was right there with both phones and I'm dorky enough to call each phone from the other phone to be sure the ringer was on and I can hear it well before the time of the appt. Neither phone made a peep and his number did not show up on either one's caller id. The office could have written a number down wrong or he could have dialed one wrong, but both?
If I move forward these people will be handling my embryo. What if there's a "mix up" with that or they (he) lies about something more important. It's all very disconcerting.
I do not like being a person who would think the worst about someone. Anyone have any thoughts? Mix up or liar, liar All American pants on fire?
Not to mention "at some point" "that works". WTF???? WHEN???? At some point WHEN??? WHEN "works"????
Not to mention I'm STILL going crazy with waiting for info.
grrrrrr
In hair news, I got mine cut and colored today. Ahhh, there is nothing quite like the feeling of walking out of the salon with what you know to be a kickass color and cut. It's probably when I feel the best about my looks. I tried to take a pic but I'd already ruined the style by working out and I couldn't get a good angle.
The Olympics began in Vancouver last night. What a thrill! The pageantry, the patriotism, the intere
st stories, that Olympic theme they play on NBC with the kettle drums, the competition. I love it all! I think it's the closest we ever come to world peace. I watched the opening ceremonies and I was impressed with all the technology. When those "whales" swam across the floor! I also loved those crazy fiddlers who looked like they were part Braveheart warrior, part Harley Davidson gang members and part cloggers. k d lang was awesome singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I love getting to know the host country and all the athletes. I'm considering myself Canadian American for the next few weeks!
Friday, February 12, 2010
No Phone Consult
Stupid fucking Dr. AA. did not call for our phone consult. CRAPASSTASTIC!!! Why can't anything along this journey be simple? WHY? I called the office at 4:50 when he was only 20 minutes late and got the "office closed" message. Now it's the damn weekend and there's nothing I can do but wait till Monday. I have an email in to him and his craptastic office staff but I doubt it will be answered before Monday. FRUSTRATED does NOT BEGIN to describe my feelings right now.
grrrrrrrrrrrr
That second opinion is looking better and better.
I just got an email back from the clinical manager. She said she was very sorry and would try to find out what happened. The dr. was not feeling well and left early.
Don't they have some policy in place for rescheduling on these occasions? I DO NOT feel less frustrated.
grrrrrrrrrrrr
That second opinion is looking better and better.
I just got an email back from the clinical manager. She said she was very sorry and would try to find out what happened. The dr. was not feeling well and left early.
Don't they have some policy in place for rescheduling on these occasions? I DO NOT feel less frustrated.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Sunday Dinner
So I'm reading along in the book I got to educate myself about getting pregnant by egg donation and there's a section about who chooses egg donation. There is a very short, and I mean VERY short section about single women. It seems that the authors of this book believe that it would be unfair "for a child to be the product of two anonymous donations". What the fucking hell? I don't get mad very often but I became furious when I read that. Why does me being single make it unfair? Don't I have as much right to become a parent as anyone else out there? Is it my fault that my life turned out childless at the age of 38? Shall we talk about the children of poverty I work with everyday, who have drug addicts and felons for parents? Is THAT fair to the child? I am really regretting buying this book and handing my money over to these two closed minded fools. It's going in the trash. I am more determined than ever to bring a child into my life. I would be a fabulous mom with my own egg or someone else's. In your face, stupid authors.
Dad invited me over for Sunday dinner. He made sauerbraten, Mom made all the sides. Yummy. I was able to broach the subject of a donor egg with my dad. I was a little worried since he is very conservative. He said he "didn't see anything wrong with it" and it was sensible not to use my own "weak" eggs to avoid a "Mongoloid baby" or other birth defect. Dad is a little old fashioned about some things. I'm very grateful he's being supportive.
Dad invited me over for Sunday dinner. He made sauerbraten, Mom made all the sides. Yummy. I was able to broach the subject of a donor egg with my dad. I was a little worried since he is very conservative. He said he "didn't see anything wrong with it" and it was sensible not to use my own "weak" eggs to avoid a "Mongoloid baby" or other birth defect. Dad is a little old fashioned about some things. I'm very grateful he's being supportive.
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