Lunch Choices

Where I should have gotten lunch:


Where I DID get lunch:

69/365

Weapons of Self Destruction:

Good, Bad and Ugly

In the wrong order but I don't care:
The Bad:
I should not have skipped school yesterday. The sub left me a note saying my class was horrible. Two different teachers said they'd seen how wild it was and stopped in there to help the sub. So I spent today cracking down on my little darlings. Not fun for them OR me and could have been avoided if I'd dragged my butt out of bed.

The Ugly:
I've been eating and eating and eating. I'm desperate to control it but feel like it's taking control instead. Nothing seems to be working and I'm out of excuses. It's all me now. Depression? I really could have stayed home again today.

The Good:
My bro put the handles on the new kitchen cabinets while I was at school. You don't realize how inconvenient it is to not have handles until you don't have them.

Which brings us to
The Picture of the Day:

Weird fuzziness. This has been showing up on many of my pics lately. I keep saying "it's the camera" doing it but I don't think it is. Not sure. I'm getting little frustrated on photo challenge, especially during the week.

Back to Tracking

I've been binging completely out of control for the last week or so. AND not exercising. I lost 60 pounds last year and I have no idea how much I've gained back. I DO know that I'm physically feeling the weight gain. NO energy, hard to catch my breath when I go upstairs or even walk briskly, lethargy, this weird feeling that my blood pressure is rising.

I have such strong desire to be the healthiest me possible for myself and also in case a miracle happens and I get pregnant but I can't seem to make my body do what my brain and soul wants it to. Every night I think, "This is it, this is the last time I will eat out of control" but the next day rolls around and by noon or even earlier I've blown it and am off to the races eating way too much of everything bad.

I had gone completely rogue and given up any form of weight loss that involved numbers and that felt good and worked for a while. God knows I've measured and weighed my food long enough that I've become pretty talented at eye-balling a portion. However, when I'm not tracking my food, it's too easy for an extra this or that to creep in. Chips with this meal, chocolate after that meal, take out for supper, ice cream on the way home...won't hurt, not like I do it all the time. I guess the pressure of the life-changing decisions got to me and once I started, I just kept adding this and that and eating more day after day. The big decision is made now so it's time to get back to thinking about my health and how to better control my food.

It takes a behemoth amount of time and effort to plan all those meals, figure out the nutritional info and track them. Not to mention the mental and emotional exhaustion from working on one's self-worth, self-image and FEELING those emotions rather than stifle them with food.

.... but I've got to go back to it. I've GOT to.

Misc. Monday

MONDAY! Ughhh. An exhausting day at school. I didn't sleep well. I kept dreaming that I was a white haired old lady in a wheel chair and I was seeing a new fertility doctor who looked like Bob Costas. Don't need Freud to analyze that one.

I'm trying to recover from the weekend binge. I try so hard to deter the feeling of binging before it happens but it seems that after I've been fighting it and fighting it, I cross the point of no return and NOTHING can stop me. I have a thousand thoughts of stopping during the process of buying and taking the food home but I don't stop. I need to learn how to translate these thoughts into action or lack thereof. But.........how?

Going to work helps. I ate well today and exercised. I know exercise is the only thing that will pull me out of this winter slump and maybe I'll sleep better tonight. Stay away Dr. Bob Costas!!

Friday is our Black History Program at school. They are doing a tribute to Micheal Jackson. At first I cringed because although as a child of the 80's I'm very much a fan of the music, I wasn't sure it was the best choice. I mean, is he really the best role model for children? My office is next to the music room and I've been able to hear them practicing for months now. Unfortunately the music teacher, who is a friend of mine, broke her ankle. It was a very serious break and she won't be able to finish preparing the children for the program. I'm very proud of the way our staff has pulled together to help. The song choices are really very touching and the music teacher has taught some of the classes to sing in two or three part harmony. We are all going to wear black and white. I am looking forward to seeing each class bring to fruition all their hard work.

In Olympic news:

I believe this is the face of courage:

Lindsey Vonn: Skied to a gold metal on an injured shin

and this is the face of innovation:

Shaun White: Double Cork....need I say more?

Here is the face of determination:

Apolo Ohno: 7 Olympic metals, in the running for two more.

And let's face it, this face is just plain adorable:

Bode Miller

The Most February of Days

I worked ISAT Saturday this morning. I was dreading it but the children were very good and it went by very fast. Not many kids showed up so we were able to work with small groups which is always more effective.

I had a discontented and bingy afternoon. Yep, I'll cop to a full fledged, planned binge. I've been teetering all week and today tipped. Feeling physically sick and emotionally disappointed in myself. I couldn't settle all afternoon. I was sad but couldn't work up any tears. I tried to watch TV but couldn't focus. Tried to take a nap but couldn't drift off. I thought about all the things I could be doing, but just couldn't seem to get started on anything. It was the most February feeling of all the February days so far.

I'm aiming to be more productive tomorrow if nothing else. Here's what I'd like to get done:

-paperwork for Dr. 2 - this is a MUST
-tidy back room and sort stuff for donation
-clean kitchen
-enter CPDUs into state website
-exercise
-bake for Yummy Monday

If I get 5 of these 6 done I'll be content.

Here is an email my mom sent me today in response to one I'd sent her about the new Princess Egg.

"It's all a crap shoot anyway. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Remember me telling you of a friend of Dad's? Had 5 girls & everyone of them had different coloring. How tall is this gal? Is this the second choice one?"

I had to be amused because she wrote almost word for word what we had talked about a few weeks ago when egg donation first came up and what I wrote in yesterday's post.

Money, Tests, Choices, NOT Binging

Phone conference with Money Lady:
On the phone she said I was well insured and it seemed like the total for everything would be much lower than I had thought. Yay!

Then...
She called back and said there was a mistake on the insurance provider's end and that anything for the donor wouldn't be covered.

I'm struck by the unfairness of having to pay, pay, pay for what most people get for free. Why can't I be in the "most people" category. I'm happy to pay if it means I can build a family but sheesh!

Blood Test Results:

FSH 15
LH 6
Testosterone 67 The normal range is 20-76. So I was in range but seems kinda high?
and many, many others.

Not sure what it means but I do know that I was not really able to find any success stories about women having success if their FSH was over 12 or so. I'm frightened of damaged eggs and damaged babies. Not sure I could survive that.

Choosing a Donor:

The donor agency can't seem to get in touch with my first choice. I have to make a decision and get some money in to both the agency and clinic by next Friday if I want to book the April cycle. Would I regret not waiting and just going for my second choice? Also, by waiting I would have time to go to my second opinion appointment and digest what he had to tell me. So very difficult to have patience. I want to get moving and become pregnant. This waiting can drive a person crazy.

School:

Today was the second of two days of professional development. My back is aching from sitting all day long. And tomorrow will be more sitting for our usual Friday meetings. The PD provider is a marathon runner. She has such a lean little body. I can't help but wonder what it must feel to look like that.

Binging:

I've been craving sugar like crazy all day long! I could so easily go into a binge here. So easily. I did have some sugar today. A few pieces of candy at the meeting, a couple small cookies at lunch and a cupcake with DollFace, but it was not mindless eating. I am trying very hard to will myself away from binging. Tomorrow is our Soul Food Luncheon in honor of Black History Month. God give me strength because I know that will be some good grub.

The Binge Is Back

Tomorrow would have been one month without a binge. Mostly due to circumstances but whatever, I'll take it any way I can get it. It happened at lunch today. It would have been ok if I had just been able to stick to the food I brought from home but there was a big bag of chips someone was sharing. Then, there was the extra ranch dressing packet in the condiment basket and more chips. And not one but two brownies that someone had brought in. I couldn't just stop with one handful of chips. Sensible Me was in the back of my head telling me to stop but Rebellious Me just kept shoving it in. Thankfully this was in public so it only went so far. I'm very angry with myself but know that I'm human and hopeful that mindful eating will continue. It was really a minor hiccup as far as binges go but it was mindless eating to cover emotions so it was a binge. I really want to be aware so that I don't backslide and gain back the 40 pounds I've lost.

I'm thinking that the possible changes with my job for next year is the root combined with the overall elevated stress at school due to RIF letters going out and of course egg donor stuff is on my mind all the time. The book I'm reading advises writing "I feel ___ because ____" statements when dealing with emotions. I should have done it before the binge but here goes anyway:

I feel angry because the district keeps jerking me around about my position each year.
I feel used because my principal talks me into something in such a way that I cannot turn her down.
I feel sad for the young people who are getting cut.
I feel ungrateful because I'm complaining. I know I'm lucky to be employed.
I feel frustrated because there seems to be nothing I can do.
I feel insecure and apprehensive because I don't know much about the position I'll be taking next year.
I feel low confidence because for some reason I suspect that the reason I'm getting put into a crap job is perhaps they believe I'm not good at my current job although my principal and everyone else says otherwise.
I feel like a loser because I gave in to binging.
I feel extremely worried because I've been having mild but sharp cramps and the imagination is on overdrive wondering about infection or scartissue forming due to recent procedure.
I feel regretful that I cannot have a happy, light, fun blog but have to write about this shit.

Wow, there are a lot of ugly feelings going on. I do feel like I gained equilibrium back after lunch. I was able to go to the grocery store and not buy even one thing that was bad for me, I went to the gym and I planned my supper thoughtfully.

There is 5 inches of snow predicted for the Midwest tonight so if there's a snow day tomorrow, I'll have to work hard to keep my body active and my mind off my worries.

Binging

I have been eating out of control all day. Too much. Of the wrong thing. Way too much. I knew I wanted to blog about it but when I got home I kept thinking, "I'm so tired, I'll just skip blogging tonight". So the dodge and perry is still in full swing but I'm here, writing. Now my stomach is uncomfortably full and it's late so I'll have to go to bed on it.

Not really sure why the eating went out of control. I've been off my normal schedule all week, actually for two weeks and I know that getting out of routine is very bad for my eating. I'm weary and worn out from thinking baby-making related thoughts. A couple of mildly dysfunctional encounters with family has made me wonder if I've over estimated the nurturing environment I thought I was bringing a child into. I haven't exercised all week, that always drives me closer to the edge.

My constant hope is that when they do the ultrasound, they will find youngish looking ovaries. Some people have said to me that I look younger than my age but what about my insides? What is the effect of over 100 extra pounds over almost 20 years on ovaries.

Why can't I make choices that will make me feel good? What is stopping me? I certainly DO NOT enjoy feeling this way. A rambling post....I don't even know how to write about this, much less resolve my weight problems through blogging.