Negative Copers

Thanks, MC, for the photograph idea.
Thanks RK, THE counselor, for asking if pole dancing was next.
I told her I wasn't making any promises either way.

Night

Night brings our troubles to the light, rather than banishes them.
~~Seneca (Roman Philosopher)

141/365

Bird Poop and Butterfly Demise

I forgot to mention a bird pooped on my head yesterday. First thing on a Monday morning. I should have known at that point the week would be shitty.

The kids were bananas today and it was so hot and humid that I really had no patience at all. This one day a week I get two thirty minute prep times but not today. The librarian was absent and the PE teacher could not have PE because it was rainy and there was spring musical practice in the gym. Yep, six and a half hours with no breaks...just one cranky teacher with 16 crabby, hot, crazy kids. Recess was like a war zone. I feel like I spent the entire 30 minutes just walking around stopping scuffles, yelling at kids not to climb on the fence or use the jump rope as a restraining device or telling them to stop "play" fighting. It was chaos. I'm not sure what is happening to these children...it's like they're becoming animals.

Krishon handed me a battery saying he'd found it at his house. I just put it in my pocket and forgot about it. Later on, I was administering a reading assessment and started feeling a warm spot on my abdomen. I was already so sweaty that I thought I must have some little spot that was chaffing or something. It got warmer and finally was uncomfortably hot. I didn't want to stop the reading test so I put my hand in my pocket thinking I would at least rub the spot. Poor Lauryn looked quite alarmed and I was also surprised when I jumped up, pulled the very hot battery out of my pocket and yelled, "My GOD THAT IS HOT!" while throwing it down on the table. Guess I'll be retesting her tomorrow.

We had an unexpected demise. We've been raising butterflies in our classroom and they hatched out of their crysalides last week. Today I heard the kids talking over at the mesh butterfly "pavilion" saying, "Oh look, one of them is sleeping. See it laying on it's side." I immediately knew something was terribly wrong. Sure enough. One of the butterflies had gone on to butterfly heaven. I wasn't sure if the food supply was running out or what so we had an emergency release of the remaining painted ladies. I managed to flip the plate the food was on over onto the "sleeping" butterfly so the kids were not aware and I didn't have to have that talk with them.

Second day off of antidepressants and I'm not sad but the speed my mind turns is starting to accelerate and I'm beginning to be plagued by negative thoughts. Especially concerning the upcoming cycle. How to slow those down? I know there is a strong connection between positive thinking and a good outcome. I'm just not sure how to force myself to become positive.

I came home, ate an entire bag of chips (yes the whole thing and not a cute little bag either), got a "check in" phone call from one of my besties, a visit from sunny Dollface, took a rather aggressive walk and now I'm cooling off in the A/C and do feel much better.

I'm sure ready to get off this damn roller coaster though.

92/365 (actually taken yesterday with my old point and shoot)
Acupuncture

Good, Bad and Ugly

In the wrong order but I don't care:
The Bad:
I should not have skipped school yesterday. The sub left me a note saying my class was horrible. Two different teachers said they'd seen how wild it was and stopped in there to help the sub. So I spent today cracking down on my little darlings. Not fun for them OR me and could have been avoided if I'd dragged my butt out of bed.

The Ugly:
I've been eating and eating and eating. I'm desperate to control it but feel like it's taking control instead. Nothing seems to be working and I'm out of excuses. It's all me now. Depression? I really could have stayed home again today.

The Good:
My bro put the handles on the new kitchen cabinets while I was at school. You don't realize how inconvenient it is to not have handles until you don't have them.

Which brings us to
The Picture of the Day:

Weird fuzziness. This has been showing up on many of my pics lately. I keep saying "it's the camera" doing it but I don't think it is. Not sure. I'm getting little frustrated on photo challenge, especially during the week.

Haircut

Pretty good day at school. Pretty low evening. I tried to get a "walk in" haircut but I had to make an appointment for the morning. The last time I got one I was eight weeks pregnant. Probably one of the last things I have left to do in my post pregnancy life that the last time I did it, I was pregnant. Don't know. Lowest feeling I've had since being on drugs. Thankfully, Dollface nagged her mother wanting to come over for a while and being around her pulled me up. It really is family and friends who are pulling me through.

Nothing caught my eye today for the Photo Challenge but here is one of my dad's hands that I took last weekend:

First Antidepressant

I'm tired of fighting it.
The dark monster called depression.
I don't want to fight against it.
I would like to give in....
Eat until the pain is dampened...as if it ever could be.
Stay in the cocoon of my bed where it's quiet....as if my thoughts ever could be quieted.
Wonder all the whys for as long as I want....as if there will ever be answers
Find stillness and not the pressure of life....but there is life.

And I can't do those things...

I have to fight it.



Don't you think my hands look like an old meat packer's hands?
I call myself "Man Hands" sometimes like from Seinfeld.

I've Hit Depression

This has crossed over into something different. What I'm feeling is no longer honest, love-filled, painful grief for my son who died inutero at 20 weeks. It's not me mourning my beautiful pregnancy. Well, it's not just those things anymore. Now, I've begun feeling sorry for myself. I can't express how low and dark this makes me feel. Hopeless. I guess I've hit the depression stage of grieving.

I've been on a two day binge of epic proportions. The food issue is so complex. I was free of it while I was pregnant and even afterward to some extent until now. I've been successful with my exercise mini challenge but what is the point when I'm eating vast amounts of junk? Or when I lay around the house for hours at a time staring at stupid TV that I can't even focus on?

Feeling sorry for myself and binging does not honor Greyson. It does not show my love for him at all. Getting pregnant with him was the one wonderful thing I've done, and somehow I managed to screw it up. Now I can't even honor him by grieving in a respectful, loving way like a mother should.

How ugly it feels to have such bad thoughts about myself.

I've got to find a way to pull myself up and focus on moving forward. I can't let myself slip so far down. Everything just seems so meaningless.

Where are those bootstraps?

Dollface was here to spend the night last night. I guess she'd been cooped up at home too long and just couldn't stand to stay home while Stretch went skating. We played dolls and it gave me a bittersweet, crazy feeling cuddling that doll close and dressing it.

Dollface went home at about 9 and I pried myself off out of the TV watching chair at about 3pm.

MC and MB you've sucked me in to your 365 Photo Challenge. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with it daily as you both are doing so wonderfully but it was fun today to walk around looking for creative shots. Guess it will be a challenge-ish for me. Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement.

Picture of the Day:

The truth is that I've been looking at this shrub that has sprouted a waterfall of icicles in front of my house and wanting to take a picture of it for days. I guess it's ok for my first try at being an artist.

I thought this one would be good with the juxtaposition of the icicles and branches

but it was too busy and cluttery feeling. I liked it to practice changing thecolors with though, lots of contrast.

Good Bye Christmas

Wretched day. I'm miserable and don't see a way to ease the pain.

We celebrated Christmas with Dad's family, my aunt, uncle and two of their three girls, with their families. I love my cousins and even today enjoyed catching up with them. We only see each other a few times a year. Everyone was kind, no one really mentioned what happened to us. My pregnant cousin did ask how I was doing and how great it was I had friends supporting me. Yes, but MY BABY IS DEAD and I'm in a black hole of sadness is how I wanted to answer.

I fought small anxiety attacks all day and teared up more than once.

I just don't understand how some people can be so happy and have such perfect lives and it's all so easy for them. All three of my cousins are thin, blonde, married their college sweethearts and are able to be stay at home moms. For the love of god, they each have one little boy and one little girl. It's all just too damn perfect.

I saw the liveliness, the children all playing, the laughter, the craziness today and I choked with sad guilt thinking that this is what our family should be like too. E's family and what should be mine together and happy like my aunt's family. But instead my life is in a hole and my whole family is affected, especially my mom. The minute they all left, we looked at each other with relief and after tidying up a bit, started crying. It's not right that my family should be in pain because of my choices and my pathetic life. I can't bear it and I don't know how to make it better.

I feel like I've tried and tried to be happy but I always mess everything up or it somehow gets messed up. I worked hard at getting pregnant. Having a family was my chance at real happiness and now it's wrecked.

I don't understand. I don't understand at all.

Soup and Fondue

I know things must be bad with me because my mom brought me food today. Broccoli cheese soup. But I didn't eat any. I feel like there's an emergency light in my brain. You should eat something," it flashes. And a while later, "REALLY, you should eat something." "Time to bathe." "Brush your teeth." "These are socially acceptable basics, you need to do these things." I used to laugh when people said they were so upset they just couldn't eat. Please....upset usually drives me right to the cookie jar. But now I understand. I could care less. The world passes me by and I don't care much. The polyp in my uterus could be precancerous, oh well. Mealtimes pass by and I don't even notice.

I'm doing better though. I'm on to worrying that the "newness" of this drug will wear off and I'll crash. I'm hoping to be off it in a few weeks when I've made a few decisions.

Weeks ago I made plans to go to the M.elting P.ot with my yayas. They all seemed to think it was still a good idea for me to go. So I went because I had to. I have to carry on with normal activities. I have to. I felt like I was a far away spectator or watching outside my body. I can't really say it was fun but I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to my amazing friends for trying to drag me back from the edge. Even though I didn't feel normal at all, it was good to be around "normal".

Thank God for Drugs

Holding it together better today. I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried to get up and moving but I was having a hard time catching my breath...couldn't focus or stop crying but I managed to get ready for work. And I took the first anti-depressant. It's a miracle drug as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how it worked so fast, placebo effect or whatever, don't really care. Halfway to work, the being on the edge feeling stopped. I suddenly didn't feel like I was holding back hysteria with a very thin veneer of sanity. The urge to cry stopped. I was able to hold it together. I still don't really care about anything but I'm so relieved to have the tight, desperate, end of the world feeling abate. I was able to fake my way through the day, even through an afternoon of meetings with my principal. I even managed to fake a few smiles and jokes. I am far from ok. But I feel closer to ok than I have all week.

Last night about 30 minutes after I posted, Mom came over. She hugged me and said all the right things. Even stroked my hair like I was a little kid. She tried to distract me with family gossip. I am so relieved she did that. I wish she could really make it all better like when I was younger.

I'm going to try a sleeping pill tonight. Maybe a real night's sleep will help me. Mom told E. I was in a bad way and "doped up". I guess she's right. I don't want to make these things a habit at all but I need some kind of relief or I will go over the edge.