Good Bye Christmas

Wretched day. I'm miserable and don't see a way to ease the pain.

We celebrated Christmas with Dad's family, my aunt, uncle and two of their three girls, with their families. I love my cousins and even today enjoyed catching up with them. We only see each other a few times a year. Everyone was kind, no one really mentioned what happened to us. My pregnant cousin did ask how I was doing and how great it was I had friends supporting me. Yes, but MY BABY IS DEAD and I'm in a black hole of sadness is how I wanted to answer.

I fought small anxiety attacks all day and teared up more than once.

I just don't understand how some people can be so happy and have such perfect lives and it's all so easy for them. All three of my cousins are thin, blonde, married their college sweethearts and are able to be stay at home moms. For the love of god, they each have one little boy and one little girl. It's all just too damn perfect.

I saw the liveliness, the children all playing, the laughter, the craziness today and I choked with sad guilt thinking that this is what our family should be like too. E's family and what should be mine together and happy like my aunt's family. But instead my life is in a hole and my whole family is affected, especially my mom. The minute they all left, we looked at each other with relief and after tidying up a bit, started crying. It's not right that my family should be in pain because of my choices and my pathetic life. I can't bear it and I don't know how to make it better.

I feel like I've tried and tried to be happy but I always mess everything up or it somehow gets messed up. I worked hard at getting pregnant. Having a family was my chance at real happiness and now it's wrecked.

I don't understand. I don't understand at all.