Sunday, December 26, 2010

Good Bye Christmas

Wretched day. I'm miserable and don't see a way to ease the pain.

We celebrated Christmas with Dad's family, my aunt, uncle and two of their three girls, with their families. I love my cousins and even today enjoyed catching up with them. We only see each other a few times a year. Everyone was kind, no one really mentioned what happened to us. My pregnant cousin did ask how I was doing and how great it was I had friends supporting me. Yes, but MY BABY IS DEAD and I'm in a black hole of sadness is how I wanted to answer.

I fought small anxiety attacks all day and teared up more than once.

I just don't understand how some people can be so happy and have such perfect lives and it's all so easy for them. All three of my cousins are thin, blonde, married their college sweethearts and are able to be stay at home moms. For the love of god, they each have one little boy and one little girl. It's all just too damn perfect.

I saw the liveliness, the children all playing, the laughter, the craziness today and I choked with sad guilt thinking that this is what our family should be like too. E's family and what should be mine together and happy like my aunt's family. But instead my life is in a hole and my whole family is affected, especially my mom. The minute they all left, we looked at each other with relief and after tidying up a bit, started crying. It's not right that my family should be in pain because of my choices and my pathetic life. I can't bear it and I don't know how to make it better.

I feel like I've tried and tried to be happy but I always mess everything up or it somehow gets messed up. I worked hard at getting pregnant. Having a family was my chance at real happiness and now it's wrecked.

I don't understand. I don't understand at all.


  1. I don't understand either, Paige...and I'm sorry you & your family have to go through this but try not to blame yourself for your family's pain...try not to put that on your shoulders too.

  2. Oh sweetie, you are NOT responsible for your family's pain. It is a crappy thing that happened to you. It DOES suck and it IS unfair that so many people seem to have it all when the rest of us are struggling just to have something at all. Holidays unfortunately can bring to the forefront all the things we are missing out on. Hopefully, as the grief becomes more manageable, you will start to see paths back toward happiness. Love you!

  3. Paige, I'm so sorry that you are in such pain and had to put on such a brave face with your extended family. I do hope that time and the love your parents help heal some portion of your grief .

  4. It just doesn't make sense, does it?! Why, why why is it so easy for some and so hard for others? Paige I wish I had answers, I don't. But regardless of why, you are not responsible for anybody elses unhappiness. I just wish it could be easier for you - i wish we could fast forward to the happy ending.

  5. What happened will never be right.

  6. It absolutely pisses me off that it's so easy for some people and not for you! I can't stand the fact that I know people that are horrible parents or didn't want their "accidents" in the first place that end up popping out "accidents" left and right. Then, a person who would be a most amazing mom has had to go through all of this. It's not fair at all.
    I'm still here if you need to vent.
    Melissa (ya)

  7. It does look easier for others. I think it is beyond looking easier - it is easier for them for some unfathomable reason. My first hope for you in the new year is that you stop taking on the guilt for your family's sadness. They are sad because they love you and that is always a risk when you love someone. I guarentee they would never think twice about taking this journey with you. I never met you and I care about you.

  8. I agree with Nell. You are not responsible for the sadness, not at all. Sending you love

  9. I too will say that you are not responsible for other peoples sadness. Selkie Mom says it well. They are sad because they love you and they loved Greyson. They wouldn't trade anything though for the sadness to have never been. Hugs to you.