Tuesday, December 28, 2010

First Support Group Meeting

I don't know how to describe how I feel after my first support group meeting. I thought I might be in such pain and crying hysterically right now, but I'm not. I thought I might feel stronger, but I don't. But there is something there, some different kind of emotion. It might be the feeling of being a little less alone. There were only four women there other than myself. One woman had lost her pregnancy in the 9th week back in October and it was her first meeting too. Three others, including the leader, had lost children in the 20th week or later and were veterans to this wretched club by years I would say.

What struck me about these women was how they cherished their stillborn children. I could hear the love in their voices as they reminisced about Christmas ornaments or memorial gardens. They were able to actually joke about odd little things that would still make them cry. They acknowledged that they were forever changed after losing a child. They talked of their children without reservation or worrying that it would make somebody uncomfortable. This was a place where it was ok to say my child's name or the words "dead baby".

They said it would get easier and I could see that it had somehow gotten easier for them over time.

During the conversation, I had made some comments about my doctor and the two veterans had said things about theirs' too. We came to the conclusion that we all had the same doctor, but that both of them had switched to his partner after their losses. They both thought that the partner was wonderful and much better with the emotional side of things. Apparently, he has experienced infertility and prenatal loss with his wife. The leader, who is a nurse in labor and delivery as well as a prenatal loss veteran, implied that she thinks Dr. Hottie is a liar but I never caught exactly why. I know this conversation could be considered highly unprofessional but it was all said with such kindness and concern and only after I kept asking questions. Technically it was all said after the official meeting.

Good conversation because I know I'm not alone in these feelings about Dr. Hottie and not the first person to switch. The leader even said she would talk to the partner about me switching. Not that it really matters unless I get pregnant again.

Bad conversation because we know I'm harboring much resentment toward Dr. Hottie (Who else is there to take it?) and had been wondering if he's a liar by my own experience and thinking about switching doctors. I know it's an emotional thought, I have no proof of lies. I think liar is a harsh word but I'm wondering if he sometimes says what you want to hear to calm you down, give you hope, etc.

Going into this appointment on Thursday with these thoughts in my head is probably not a good thing. I'm very anxious about going and am hoping that I'm able to hold it together emotionally so I can think straight and get as much information as I can.


  1. I'm really glad you went to the support group... it may not make you feel stronger right away, but it help with time. I know that meeting people in the same situation as me really helps me.

    Can maybe someone go to the appointment with you? Maybe you or they can take notes so you can take your time digesting the information later?

    Thinking of you as you go into this appointment :::hugs:::

  2. I'm happy to hear that you went to the support group. I sincerely hope that it helps you with the grieving process.

  3. I'm happy that you went to the support group. I always do think that it helps to talk about things with people that have gone through the same thing.

    Keep taking it a step at a time.

    If you want someone to go to the appointment with you, I'm here.

    Ya ya Melissa

  4. Im glad you have found a group of women who can share in your grief and loss. I started a support group a few months after my loss as well. And came away with a different feeling as well. Give it a few times, and i hope it makes a difference in your grieving. It is so nice to be able to say the (horrible evil IF thoughts and thoughts of loss) true feeling we want to say, and are able to say in our blogs, to actual people and not be judged but actually validated. I hope things start to feel less unbearable for you <3

  5. It's wonderful that you have a support group Paige. I think just getting empathy makes a world of a difference. Just like others can't empathize with our IF struggles, we can't empathize with the loss of your son, so I am glad they can offer that empathy, it's priceless really and will help keep you sane.

    Good luck at your appointment, I know you will do great, even if that means you become emotional.

  6. Paige, I am so glad that you have found a place of understanding. I am also glad that you see some "veterans" and know that life can go on. Give it time, sweetie. Keep going to the meetings and let their understanding help you heal. I'm thinking of you every day.

  7. It's so good to hear you've found a support group & somewhere safe to speak honestly & frankly. It will make such a difference.

    Good luck with your appointment. I can't imagine it will be easy.

  8. I didn't go to the support group after my losses, and I regret it now. I had no one close to me who had any clue about my pain or the whole experience. I'm glad you made a better choice!
    One day at a time. Cliche, but true.

  9. I'm glad there is a support group and hope it will be helpful. It may take a while to process how you feel about the meetings.
    Interesting about the doctor thing. I will say that often the nurses have a very different (although usually a fairly accurate) impression of the doctors. They see the person the patient usually doesn't. The doc who will say or do things not necessarily in the patients interest etc. I'm not sure what it is your thinking the doc lied to you about but it sounds like there is definitely something there with several women all having similar feelings. I'm sorry too that your doctor hasn't been what you needed through all this turmoil.

  10. Whew. I was worried howntour first meeting would turn out. I flipped a lid in mine. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, but the room was packed with morons who managed to trigger every pain I had. It was a disatster for me,but I went one more time just to make sure.

    I am glad you are not feeling alone. You never are, not for a single minute. I am always here for you. I am sorry for my absence, just now catching up to this point as I was out of town. Thought about you a lot.

    Happy new year. It surely must bring some healing your way - look for the littlest of signs. They are very easy to miss and they can be very far in between.