I don't know how to describe how I feel after my first support group meeting. I thought I might be in such pain and crying hysterically right now, but I'm not. I thought I might feel stronger, but I don't. But there is something there, some different kind of emotion. It might be the feeling of being a little less alone. There were only four women there other than myself. One woman had lost her pregnancy in the 9th week back in October and it was her first meeting too. Three others, including the leader, had lost children in the 20th week or later and were veterans to this wretched club by years I would say.
What struck me about these women was how they cherished their stillborn children. I could hear the love in their voices as they reminisced about Christmas ornaments or memorial gardens. They were able to actually joke about odd little things that would still make them cry. They acknowledged that they were forever changed after losing a child. They talked of their children without reservation or worrying that it would make somebody uncomfortable. This was a place where it was ok to say my child's name or the words "dead baby".
They said it would get easier and I could see that it had somehow gotten easier for them over time.
During the conversation, I had made some comments about my doctor and the two veterans had said things about theirs' too. We came to the conclusion that we all had the same doctor, but that both of them had switched to his partner after their losses. They both thought that the partner was wonderful and much better with the emotional side of things. Apparently, he has experienced infertility and prenatal loss with his wife. The leader, who is a nurse in labor and delivery as well as a prenatal loss veteran, implied that she thinks Dr. Hottie is a liar but I never caught exactly why. I know this conversation could be considered highly unprofessional but it was all said with such kindness and concern and only after I kept asking questions. Technically it was all said after the official meeting.
Good conversation because I know I'm not alone in these feelings about Dr. Hottie and not the first person to switch. The leader even said she would talk to the partner about me switching. Not that it really matters unless I get pregnant again.
Bad conversation because we know I'm harboring much resentment toward Dr. Hottie (Who else is there to take it?) and had been wondering if he's a liar by my own experience and thinking about switching doctors. I know it's an emotional thought, I have no proof of lies. I think liar is a harsh word but I'm wondering if he sometimes says what you want to hear to calm you down, give you hope, etc.
Going into this appointment on Thursday with these thoughts in my head is probably not a good thing. I'm very anxious about going and am hoping that I'm able to hold it together emotionally so I can think straight and get as much information as I can.