Half day attendance for the students. I can tell the kids really missed our routine and the work we do while I was gone. The kindergarten had Santa visit this morning and although we glimpsed him in the hallway and heard the bells as he changed rooms, they did not go crazy as I would expect them to. One time when we heard bells, Meliyah said, "That Santa is just distracting us!" Hard working sweeties.
Everyone went out to lunch. Jae had brought her lunch and stayed with me at school. I told her I feel like I'll be a crabass for the rest of my life. She said, you will feel like a crabass until you don't anymore.
I feel sorry for the people who have to be around me.
District wide professional development in the afternoon. I feel like I've been dodging and weaving in uncertain territory. Not sure who will speak to me of what happened, who knows and is ignoring it or who doesn't know. I sat next to our school social worker all afternoon and I don't think she knows what happened to us. She didn't say anything about it and acted so totally normal. I couldn't really turn to her and say, "Hey, did you hear my baby died?" I'm just waiting to run into the first person who doesn't know I've lost him and says something to me about pregnancy or due date or something. What wretched milestones I have yet to experience.
The school nurse came up to me and told me she'd had three miscarriages. I can't believe how many people are walking around with this kind of pain and they appear completely normal. I feel like I appear damaged and that I'll forever be damaged goods.