Day One of kitchen remodel. What a lucky, lucky girl I am and what a beautiful new kitchen this will be. Anyway, that's the attitude I wish I had.
My grandparents built this home in 1969, when my parents got married and took over the farm and farmhouse. My grandfather did quite a bit of the building and I liked seeing what I know to be his touches. Pieces of a yardstick used as shims, pieces of plaster patched together behind the soffit because nothing must be wasted, five different types of screws because they came from the collection he kept in a jar.
Clearly Grandpa didn't think the wall should ever or would ever come down. Dad and E had quite a time getting the wall out. Not as easy as it looks on HGTV. It was kind of frightening the way chunks of plaster and giant wooden splinters went flying clear across the room and yet the wall didn't budge. Someone could have put an eye out. So I didn't get to swing the sledge after all. My job was to carry out the larger pieces of plaster and wood and to constantly sweep up the smaller ones. Dust, dust, dust. Everywhere, fine, fine dust. It's still in the air now.
I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack during the first hour or two. I just kept thinking it was all for my Sweet Pea. A beautiful, new kitchen with a dishwasher to sanitize those baby bottles and with plenty of space for sippy cups and baby food jars. Especially with Dad and E working so hard and having trouble. E kept making snarky comments and I know he wasn't wild about the idea of him and Dad doing the work from the start. And I think he's frustrated that I'm not excited or wanting this anymore. At one point when they had most of the wall down, he jokingly (I think) asked me if I wanted them to quit. I wish it had been practical for me to say what I really felt. "Yes, just quit, I don't care anymore." But I just tried to laugh.
Clara kept me up most of the night last night with a restless little whine. I don't think she's in pain but she may be having some discomfort or just couldn't find a comfortable position. The fentanyl pain patch only lasts 3-5 days. The vet prescribed a stronger oral pain medication so I hope she gets some relief and I get some sleep.
Kitchen looks like a war zone, boxes storing kitchen stuff everywhere, microwave and toaster oven in the living room, Christmas tree half up and half down, a gimpy dog and don't forget soul sucking grief. I don't want to think about any of it anymore. I think I'm going to take a very hot shower, wash all this dust out of my hair and go to bed.
Paige, I hope that once the renovation is done, you will be able to enjoy your new kitchen. I'm sorry that E wasn't more supportive. Maybe he is is just bad about expressing how worried he is about you. I hope that Clara gets to feeling better. I also hope that you get some good sleep tonight.
ReplyDeleteRight now it may not seem like it but eventually you will enjoy and be glad for the new kitchen. Right now it's a mess and a lot of work but it will get better. I hope Clara gets feeling better soon and that you will be able to get some sleep as well. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeletei don't know if this helps or not but i really hope it helps as it is meant to be more encouraging than anything. I have this belief that each soul comes into the physical world for a reason and a specific time and that some need less time because they receive so much love and felt enough happiness that, thats all they needed. I suffered a miscarriage two years ago and that really helped me.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best in your quest to shiny kitchendom, perhaps this will help you take your mind to a less painful place
I have been keeping up on your posts, Paige and I just want you to know that I think of you often and pray the pain becomes more tolerable as the days go by. While your Sweat Pea is not in your arms (where he should be), I do believe he is with you every day.
ReplyDeleteSending you strength every day.
Paige,
ReplyDeleteHere I am. I've been reading all along and just have no words of comfort for you. Nothing I say can ease your pain, but I hope it is of some comfort to you that you have readers out here that are thinking about you and praying for you, even if you CAN'T pray right now.
We all love you and are here for you.
Valerie
The dust seems endless - I have still have dust settling from our bathroom remodel that seems like ages ago. I know it's hard to appreciate the remodel right now, but one day you will Paige. But it's absolutely ok that it's not right now, doesn't have to be and nobody expects it.
ReplyDeleteHi Paige. I have been away from the blog world for awhile and trying to catch up. I am so sorry I have been gone and not reached out to you until now.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words that I can come up with that can even come close to how I feel for you right now. I almost did not post anything because I thought maybe I would just bring you even more sadness. I am sure nothing I say will bring any comfort, but I could not stand the thought of you thinking I had forgotten about you. I know you say you cannot pray. I will do the praying for you. There is not one day that goes by that I am not thinking of you.
It is 100% understandable that you have these feelings about the kitchen, especially since there are all these triggers there. I hope that your Clara is doing better. Thinking of you and Sweet Pea tonight....
ReplyDelete