Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Bad Thoughts

My head knows that all the bad thoughts in the world can't cause a pregnancy to end. But my heart is remembering some bad, bad thoughts I had and wondering.

When I told my Yayas I was pregnant, I was so excited and very, very happy. Without a doubt, the happiest I've ever been in my life. I remember saying to MC that if it all ended right then, I wouldn't regret it because it had been the happiest 10 weeks of my life. She said it was about damn time I had some happiness. Now it's ended and I have no regrets at all about becoming pregnant but I wish I hadn't thought or said that. I didn't want it to end. I didn't. I wanted my pregnancy to end in the 40th week with a healthy baby. I wanted to keep being happy.

This next one is really, really bad:

After the horrible preacher meeting during which he'd said I'd committed a mortal sin by becoming pregnant in the manner I did, I was so upset. I want to be clear that I DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT believe ANYTHING that jackass said but in the day or so that followed, I'm ashamed to admit that I had the thought that if it's a mortal sin, I want it out. I didn't want it out. I really didn't want that at all. I didn't. I wanted my baby to live.

I can't survive this guilt, this pain.
It's choking me and I can't breathe.
I can't escape these thoughts.

I just want my baby back.
I'm so sorry I ever had these bad thoughts.
I won't have any more bad thoughts ever again.
Please, please, please give me my baby back.


  1. Paige, I am so sorry that your sweet Greyson P died, and in your grief you've felt so much excruciating pain. Please don't feel bad about these thoughts that went through your head. People have similar thoughts to the first one you mentioned, where the phrase "now I can die a happy woman" is sometimes invoked. As a figure of speech, it doesn't carry any weight or power or intent.
    And I'm still so angry at the hateful pastor who put you through such hell. His words were intended to make you feel bad about yourself and question your mind/heart/body. IMHO the words are a product of either misogyny and/or patriarchy.
    Anyway, I'm so sorry dear Paige and I know you would have done anything to keep baby Greyson alive.

  2. Just echoing what Meredith said... you did not bring on anything that happened with some errant, random thoughts. We all think things like that. You are not responsible for that happened to Greyson. This was not, is not, your fault.

    I think it's a very good thing for you to have posted these things here even if they're difficult. Saying them outloud to someone or telling them to people here will cut down some of the potency of the feeling. Things kept secret only gain power. When you have thoughts like these its important to share them.

    Also remember that you've had big hormonal shifts recently, and in addition to the grief your body is readjusting. Be kind to yourself.

  3. Paige,

    I am a lurker on your blog, but this post makes me want to comment. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I don't have a blog, so let me tell you a little about me. I have been trying to conceive for the past 5 years. This past August I got my positive around the same time you posted that you had gotten yours. I miscarried at 8 weeks and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. I was so in love with that baby.

    The reason I am writing to you today, is I had similar thoughts. I remember telling my husband that I was so thankful to have the feelings of being pregnant, that if something went wrong, I would still be thankful for having the chance to be pregnant. Just like you in the weeks after, I begged God to let me take that back, I wanted the baby back. I also got horrible morning sickness around the 6th week, and I remember thinking that I just couldn't do this, that one night after vomiting for like 4 hours straight, I remember thinking that I just wanted it to end.... I didn't mean it, I would take that back sickness and all.

    It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I realize that those thoughts did not cause me to lose my baby.... that if that were the case there would be a lot more miscarriages to those people who don't want to be pregnant in the first place.

    I am so sorry you are going through this, and I am glad that you have such a good support system. Use them during this difficult time, it helps to get these feelings out.

    I am praying for you.


  4. I will just repeat what the people above me said. Your thoughts are absolutely normal- we all have stray thoughts like that sometimes. You didn't cause this to happen.

    Think about all of the positive loving thoughts you had. I know those outweighed any bad thoughts by an extreme amount.

    Leah, the poster above me, is absolutely right. How many women in the world don't want their pregnancies and think really horrible thoughts and their pregnancies aren't affected?

    I know we don't know the reason that this happened, but I know the reason isn't you. I know that this is another instance where your heart and head are having a battle, but my heart and my head are both telling me that these random thoughts happen to all of us and in no way had anything to do with your baby.

    Love you. Melissa (yaya)

  5. Oh sweet Paige. By no means did those thoughts create this situation. We have all had thoughts that did not change the outcome of events - if it was that easy, we could all will ourselves into pregnancy to begin with.

    The thoughts you had were normal thoughts that any one of us could have had and they were harmless. I don't want you to blame yourself for this, you didn't do this.

    I think we all feel better when we have something or someone to blame for such a shitty situation. It's natural to want to blame....but what if it's nobodies fault? And just because there's nobody to blame doesn't make it less meaningful or in vain. You were a good momma to Greyson and nothing you said or did caused this Paige. I think it's just part of the grieving process to feel this way, unfortunately.

    Hugs & love my friend. xoxoxoxox

  6. I know you know this, but it's not your fault, not at all. It's normal to feel that way, to think it, but it isn't so. It's good for you to talk about it though, and I am glad that you can come here and do so.
    many hugs~

  7. Oh, Paige, sweetie, as a frequent hearer of the guilt-provoking thoughts, I can say that I am glad you wrote about them. As Randi said, keeping things secret gives them power. Let yourself off the hook. You did nothing wrong and your occasional stray thoughts did not kill Greyson. Love and prayers!!!!

  8. I have no words...I wish I did that could convince you that these thoughts DID NOT cause the loss of your sweet Greyson...big hugs.

  9. Paige, you did nothing wrong. And the thoughts you had were so normal. Given your strong faith, what that preacher said was bound to affect you as it did. The preacher is the one who should feel guilty - calling the creation of a human life a "mortal sin."

    But no one's words or thoughts took Greyson away. And his mommy loved him very very much.

  10. Dear Paige,
    This is part of the bargaining stage of grief. It's so painful. I don't know anyone, who has lost a loved one, who doesn't examine everything they said or did that could have affected it. The fact that unspeakable loss and pain should happen to us in random way, and be completely out of our control, is close to impossible to comprehend.
    There is a book called " When Bad Things Happen To Good People" that I have heard makes some sense of this.

  11. We want reasons to explain bad things but as you know, life doesn't work this way. I wish I could say that I haven't shed numerous tears blaming myself for things beyond my control, our brains just work that way. This is one of the reasons I was so pissed at your old minister for saying those hateful things. He planted such horrible thoughts, which in my mind makes him all the more cruel and evil. I wish I had the right words, but do know that I (and many others) are listening and we love you.

  12. I am sick with anger that these "religious" people take it upon themselves to instil so much guilt in others. He had NO right to say what he did. I hate how the church f*&^s with people's heads and makes them think they did something wrong. How is it that so many women can have a one night stand and end up with a baby in their arms? Isn't what they did even more sinful? How come they aren't being punished??

    I became disillusioned with the church many years ago, I hate all the judgement, the inconsistencies and scare mongering. You did NOTHING wrong Paige, just as I did nothing wrong that caused my miscarriages.

    Many hugs xo

  13. I wish I had the guts to tell you my own personal version of this story, but I do not. I never recognized that I felt that feeling of responsibility, as absurd as it is. It still sears itself on your brain.

    From the outside, it is easy to say of course it isn't your thoughts, but I know the place of pain where you sit. I know the words read hollow, but they are true.

    All my love.

  14. Dear Paige.
    We all have such thoughts. It by no means meant you even the slightest wanted such thing to happen!