My parents are doing a hero's job of comforting and supporting me. I'm without doubt that I could not have gotten through this nightmare without them. My worry is that they are not supporting each other. I would say they've had marital difficulties for the past few years or so and seem to communicate on different wave lengths even in the best of times. It's difficult to witness and even more difficult to explain.
Dad seems to be pretty much over the death of his grandson or at least that is the face I see. He is still supporting me and makes it a point of checking on me everyday. He'll use some little excuse to call but I know he's really calling to make sure I'm ok. Mom is having a very difficult time with the aftermath. I'm really worried about her. In many ways, I think this has been harder on her than on me. She has either called or seen me daily since it happened but doesn't camouflage why she's calling.
They were invited to a Christmas party shortly after I came home from the hospital. Nearly immediately Dad was on Mom about going. Part of the difficulty is that very few of Mom's friends have reached out to her at all and she's mad about it. Not to mention, she, like me, just does not feel like celebrating. Dad has a different view, he thinks that because they got two sympathy cards and a holiday party invitation that Mom should feel fully supported and be moving on with life.
The party was last night. He had no problem going to the party and celebrating with their friends. Mom has complained daily for a week that she doesn't understand how he can go and that it's highly inappropriate for him to go but she won't stop him from going. She told Dad not to talk about her at the party and she stayed home last night.
I've had to hear both sides of this story multiple times over the last week. I don't understand how Dad can go on as though nothing has happened either but I do understand that we all handle crap like this in our own way. I feel terrible that Mom doesn't seem to have any comfort other than me and I know I've been in such pain myself that I've done an awful job of it. I've tried to talk to her about seeing a counselor but I doubt she'll ever go.
I had hoped that since the party is over, I wouldn't have to hear about it anymore but this morning Dad called to "see if I wanted to go out to brunch." I was in a crapass mood when he called. These mornings at home are difficult. Anyway, he brought up the party and said he'd had such a good time and he wished Mom would have gone. I'm pretty sure he was feeling guilty about going and wanted me to make him feel better about it. I think he said it wasn't true that her friends aren't reaching out to her. I just said, "Well, Dad, her grandson died two weeks ago, maybe she didn't feel like going to a party." He didn't say too much about it after that.
Later my brother even brought it up asking if I thought that is was very inappropriate for him to go. I just said I couldn't have gone, but that we all handle things like this differently and that I was concerned for Mom because she was taking all of this very hard.
I wish my kid hadn't died and that my situation wasn't putting us all in this crapfest.
My nieces came over to help me decorate the Christmas tree. It was so good to be around their liveliness. To them everything is just normal and I almost felt normal being around them. I even put on some Christmas music and actually enjoyed it. There were some very difficult moments like when Dollface started playing with the toy nativity set I have or when we unwrapped the ornaments the girls have made over the years and I choked up thinking that my boy will never play with the set or make ornaments.
I think today will be the first day that I haven't cried really hard.
I have cried, just not big, gut wretching sobs.
This seems wrong.
I did cry really hard today after all.
Shortly after I posted, thinking about the funeral and the hell my family is going through.
Crying seems just as wrong as not crying.