Wednesday, December 22, 2010


I think today might have been my first day since it happened that I didn't go somewhere or get a visit from someone. Not sure. It was kind of long. I accepted delivery of new kitchen cabinets, wrapped gifts, made two batches of caramel corn, tried to read and did laundry. I worried about Clara Dog until the vet called to say all had gone well and she was recovering nicely from anesthesia.

Except the dog, none of it matters. I tried hard to get excited about the cabinets but just couldn't. I tried to joke with the delivery man about getting a new kitchen for Christmas but it felt fake. I'm trying....

Where is the how-to manual for this grief, this pain, for moving on, past, beyond? "What To Expect When You've Had A Still Birth" When I was ttc and then pregnant and reading ttc/pregnancy blogs it seemed that I had many things in common with a lot of people. Now, it seems that although there are a lot of miscarriage/still birth blogs out there, I'm alone in my particular club.

I wanted to thank the people who are still reading and commenting. I can read them now and I'm grateful that you all care and take time to comment. I'm not sure I could do the same if I were in your shoes. Seems this blog has just become a dumping ground for pain and I'm sure it gets old reading about it over and over. How many ways can I write about my destroyed heart, soul, world? But somehow I need to.

I am back to reading a few blogs. I try to comment but can't seem to yet. Soon, maybe....


  1. I'm so glad that your sweet Clara is doing all right. And it is a good step that you made it through another day, did some work around the house, and worked on some holiday projects. Thinking of you as Christmas approaches...we'll always remember your darling Greyson P.

  2. I'm glad Clara is doing ok.
    Its easy to resent the fact that time doesn't stop for your loss and grief. I hope you are able to find a few moments of quiet peace over the holidays.

  3. I really, really like the book:
    "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" (there's a book by the same authors also about trying again after a loss.)There are a few other good ones out there, but I think that one is one of the best.

  4. I'm glad things went well with Clara. As many have said before, grieving takes time - don't try to force yourself to do anything except maybe spend time with people who love you and are supporting you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

  5. Dang it. Blogger just ate my comment.
    I'm glad Clara is doing good. I hope she's home with you soon.
    I'm still here and still reading although I may occasionally go a few days without checking in. You're always in my thoughts. Hugs to you.

  6. Keep writing...if it's helping, keep writing...don't worry about us reading, those who can't take it won't read anymore but I think everyone still reading wants to offer you support.

    So glad that Clara came out of surgery so well.

  7. There's nothing wrong with letting your blog be a dumping ground, those of us who stay are the ones who truly understand how much you need it to express what you are going through. I blogged all the way through every miscarriage and even if nobody was reading, it was my outlet. And this is yours.

  8. I read every word since it is the only way to support you I guess. You are honest and real. You are an amazing women showing and sharing. As long as you speak I am eager to listen.

    Wishing you some peace, love and light.

  9. Empty Cradle was the best read for me as well. I read it twice.

    I have been away, but thinking of you.

  10. It doesn't get old. I am sorry I don't comment, I am just so behind on my reading. And you should write however much you need about this great pain within you! One great thing about blogs is that it is YOUR place to let out your pain.