Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Bionic Dog and Counseling

My poor Clara Dog is in the hospital. Again, the look of betrayal as I left her. Poor pup. You were exactly right, It Is What It Is. She tore her anterior cruciate ligament and will be having the TPLO (Tibial Plateau Leveling Osteotomy) surgery in the morning and it is costing me about $3000.00. The surgery involves breaking the bone and resetting the joint so that it's at a different angle and putting it all back together with plates and screws. I told her she would be my bionic dog now. The vet said it is very likely to happen to the other joint eventually. The specialist veterinarian seemed knowledgeable, the assistants were kind and the clinic seemed top notch. I know she's in good hands. I hope she forgives me for leaving her there. And I hope she's not in too much pain afterwards.

My dad actually suggested having her put down. After which I began to cry. So insensitive.

The house sure is empty without her.


SC and I go to the same counselor. I haven't been to counseling for 3 years and I couldn't get an appointment until January 10. SC had an appointment for tonight and she generously gave it to me. She pretty much insisted I take it. This is one of the nicest things anyone has done for me through all of this.

Not sure what to say about counseling. In the past, I always walked out of there feeling stronger. Not this time. I feel only broken and exhausted. We seemed to cover a lot but it just didn't seem to help at all.

I told her one of my big worries. I made it clear that I'm not going to harm myself but I think a lot about being with my baby and it seems such a long life to live without him. I told her all about wanting to put the casket in my purse and having the crazy thought of myself running down the street with it under my coat. And wishing everyday that he was with me or I was with him. She didn't bat an eyelash.....but she didn't really say it wasn't crazy either.

She asked about what happened in the hospital, what it took to get pregnant, if I held him and what he looked like and if I named him. She asked about the funeral. She asked what I have to remember him by. She asked how the crying was going. I almost told her to just read this blog.

She asked how much in love I was with my baby.

She asked about trying again.

She told me one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage.

She said many of the things everyone else has said. It takes time, the hurt will never go completely away, etc. She seemed pleased that I write so much and that I'm planning on going to a support group.

I wish I could say I felt stronger or felt some sort of comfort, but I don't.


  1. Paige, I am SO sorry that this has been added to your plate right now. I am glad that Clara is having her surgery. I know that she will be glad to see you when it is done and will not hold a grudge (that's generally a cat thing). I'm glad that you've started back in counseling. I can't speak for everyone, but when I begin counseling again in the middle of a crisis, it takes me a while to begin to not feel "broken and exhausted." I'm still thinking of you and praying for you.

  2. You didn't mention how old Clara is but my Karma was 6 when she had her TPLO surgeries. And, your vet it right, once they repair one, it seems to be just a matter of time before the other knee's ligament tears. We had just been through the month long confinement (and they are not kidding that she was NOT allowed to move of her own volition for a month so we built a ramp to cover our front stairs and with a sling under her hind legs supported her walking on just her front legs to go potty and that was it!). But, as soon as she was allowed to move, BANG there went the other knee and she was back in surgery.

    And, FWIW, my mom told me to just put my dog down, too. I was shocked and disappointed in such a callous response. So, while the 6K and her recovery was painful, she went on to live another 8 years and that was MORE than worth it all.

    I hope you made a follow up therapy appointment. The repeat individual sessions + a support group will help, over time. It is the best thing that you can do for yourself (as long as you like both the therapist AND the support group leader).

    Hour by hour, one day at a time.

  3. Paige, I'm so very sorry you are having this new stress on top of it all, hope Clara gets better soon.

    Recovering from a loss can be like being put in a straitjacket and tossed underwater and being told to come undone. Therapy might or might not help but I'm glad you made the next appointment. After my first loss I kept thinking that a IRL support group of women who had been through similar experiences shortly before might help,these are the only people who can truly understand what hell you are going through.

    Right now , you cannot let Greyson go. That has to be so incredibly hard to do, sometimes it can seem impossible. A family friend lost her 22 year old son in a senseless motorcycle accident. I keep thinking, how can anybody let their child, lost under such circumstances, go? How can you let go after 22 years of loving somebody and bringing them up with such hopes and dreams stored up for them? I've only seen her years after the event, but she has done it, she is at peace. I don't know how long it took her, or how long she cried for, it seems too painful to even think about, I don't know how one can do it. But it can be done.

    Like the PP said, one hour, one day at a time.

  4. Our dog had knee surgery when she was 1. I hated leaving her overnight there too, that was the worst. It's been 3 years and she's never had another problem with it, she plays hard and runs hard (even on the ice), which makes me cringe, but she made a complete recovery and it was well worth the money. I hope Clara's surgery goes well and she's back with you soon.

    I think going to the support group will probably be more helpful than counseling, either. Our support group has been so helpful for us, and I've made many new friends.

  5. I'm sorry Clara need surgery & that you have her to worry about on top of everything else.

    So glad to hear you're going to councelling & a support group...it may take some time, but it will help. I know it saved my life.

  6. Glad Clara is getting the help she needs, and I'm sure your dad only wanted to ease your financial burden, but I can tell Clara is more than just a pet for you! So pay the man and have the surgery, your sweet pup will be back to licking your face before you know it.

    Glad you were able to get in to the councelor - you have so much more than a reasonable amount of grief, I'm guessing that is why you don't feel better right away. I do think talking it out with a pro is a good idea, esp one you have history with. Wish you had felt better after, but think of the difficult subjects you were covering! I am so impressed with your support system though, what a great group of people you have around you. Hang in there another day, hon. Thinking of you.

  7. I'm so sorry about Clara needing surgery. I hope it all goes well and the recovery does too.
    I'm glad you were able to get in to the counselor. I'm guessing it might take a while to feel like it's helping but don't give up. We're all here thinking of you daily and sending many hugs and good wishes your way.

  8. Paige, I am so sorry that Clara had to have surgery, but you'll be such a comfort to her when she gets home. I'm really glad you had a session with your counselor and it sounds like she seems sensitive and hopefully she'll be a good listener/advisor. I'm so sorry that you've got intense pain and the hardest loss to bear, Paige. Thinking of you and sending hugs.