Friday, December 10, 2010

I never thought I'd laugh again but my parents got a new dog about a week ago. I've never seen it before today. It's a crazy Australian Shepard mix and it climbs trees. Really the dog has a crazy look in her eyes, never looks at you if you call her and after it trees a cat, it sort of runs up on the tree trying to get at the cat. It was a real laugh too, from the belly. It felt so foreign but like a familiar friend had come to visit.

I watched this today.

I think if this man can still breathe and walk and talk after his tragedy, I can too. Dad says that there is always someone worse off than you and you ought to count your blessings. Very hard right now but I'm trying.

The other night my mom asked me to please ask my dad to come over and fix something, anything. He's feeling emotions he can't express and desperate to help me but doesn't know how. So today I asked him to put together some shelves I had bought, before. When he came in we were chatting and the topic of paying for the funeral came up. My parents would like to pay for it. I started crying and told him he had to let me provide for my son what I could. He told me to "get out of his face with that". Not sure if he meant the crying or thought I was being dramatic or what, he does not handle any kind of emotion well and thinks people should just "shoulder through" and "put on a strong face". As I was leaving the room, crying, he said he liked to provide for his kids. I said I wanted to provide for mine too. None of us really knows how to handle all of this....

I couldn't get in to see my former counselor until January 10.

In case you were wondering what it costs to put a dead baby in the ground here in the Midwest: $1053.16
Having the pharmacy call to tell you your prenatal vitamins are refilled,
or opening the mail to receive a bill from the fertility pharmacy and
a pamphlet on a support group for infant loss......


  1. I am praying so hard for you, Paige. Believe it or not, you are already an inspiration. You are an amazing woman, and whether you want Him to or not, God is doing huge things right now. I truly believe that all of this horrible tragedy is for a reason. I won't pretend to know what those reasons are, but I know they're there.

    I'm thinking of you.

  2. I'm happy to hear something got a snicker out of you, even if it was brief. It reminds me of the Sex and the City movie... such different circumstances it's not comparable, but when "Charlotte Poughkeepsied in her pants" and Carrie laughed for the first time... the audience cried!

    You are a regular part of my daily thoughts and prayers.

  3. It is hard ot get your head around the kind of pain your parents are experiencing. They love you as you love Greyson. Can you imagine what it would do to your heart to see him in such pain? They have lost him and they watch their baby hurt the worst hurt.

    You were kind to give your dad some work. Don't let his struggle worry you.

  4. I hate to tell you this, but the mail never stops. Even over a year later I'm getting stuff for "my toddler" (stupid coupons and free samples and crap.) It sucks.

    I definitely recommend support groups, they are so very helpful. I've made new really good friends there who know exactly what we've gone through and just get it.

    Hang in there.

  5. At moments when you least expect it, you will get your joy back Paige. And moments when you least expect it, you will get reminders of Greyson. Both will make you feel, deep down in your soul and make you realize your still alive & breathing. xoxoxox

  6. oh Paige, I think it is beautiful how much you parents clearly love and support you. There hearts must be so broken too.

  7. I remember the first time I laughed after 9/11 (I was very close to it), how good to feel that part of me.
    So poignant, your interactions with dad. He loves you!

  8. I am so glad your dad came over and that your parents are both there to support you. Companion animals also offer their whole hearts to us in love and loyalty.

  9. So glad that your family is there for you. I wish there was some reminder though that went out to the universe to stop all the reminders that continue to come stomp on your heart all over again.