Friday, December 31, 2010

My Big Little Guy

In my wildest dreams, I never thought that one of the last things I would do in 2010 would be to read autopsy and pathology reports on my son. It feels wrong in the very deepest level of my being. How can this have happened? How could my beautiful pregnancy have ended this way? Why is my beloved baby boy dead? Why am I still here on earth without him? No matter how long I think about these things or how hard I try, there is no answer. I will never understand.

There was one thing in the autopsy that made me smile:
"Appropriate for gestational age.
1. Weight: 319 grams (normal expected 174-452 grams)
2. Crown-Heel Length: 27 cm (normal expected 22.6-27.2 cm)
3. Crown-Rump Length: 19 cm (normal expected 16.0-20.0 cm)
4. Head Circumference: 16.5 cm
5. Foot Length: 3.4 cm (normal expected 2.7-3.9 cm)"

My boy was big and tall! He would have been a big, little guy.

Below this was the placenta pathology. It said: "Large blood clot, 6 cm in largest dimension, adherent to maternal surface."

6cm! I was appalled when I read that. This seems huge. I actually got out a ruler and looked at this measurement. That thing must have been about the size of a baseball. I was angry. How was something that large not seen on the ultrasound two days before? It seems impossible that something that large could grow in the short amount of time between the ultrasound on Thursday and the abruption on Saturday.

I have, the support group leader, Robin's words ringing in my ears. I spoke to her the day after the support group and I asked her more about her thoughts on Dr. H. She's a labor and delivery nurse and works with Dr. H regularly. She said she wasn't sure he was a liar really but that he had so many patients and always seemed in a hurry and maybe cut some corners. I couldn't get that phrase out of my head today. "cut some corners"

I was so alarmed and upset that I called Robin back today and told her about this 6cm clot. I also emailed my aunt, who is a nurse. They both said the same thing. A clot this large really could grow in a very short amount of time. My aunt said it could have been formed in minutes. My aunt said there is no way to know which happened first. The abruption causing the clot, or the clot formed first and caused the placenta to start separating. Robin said that even a full term baby would have struggled to survive this even if it happened in the hospital and was delivered immediately since the placenta tearing away would have taken the baby's oxygen supply.

I told Robin that her words were nagging at me. She apologized and said she should not have said that. That Dr. H. was a good doctor. That his medicine is solid but that she did think he rushed sometimes. She assured me that if he had seen something on the ultrasound he definitely would have done something. I wonder if she said that just to ease my mind. I doubt what everyone says now.

I know I'm desperately looking for some answers and probably seeing trouble where there is none. Could he have rushed through looking at our ultrasound and missed something? This thought haunts me.

I want to believe Dr. H is a good doctor and that there wasn't a thing he or I could have done to save Greyson.

I have to believe that.

I want to believe that this was all out of our hands. I loved my baby so much and did the best I could to care for him. I wish it had been enough or that the doctor had seen something or that it just wasn't part of our story.

2010 ended with the 4 worst weeks of my life. I never knew there could be this much pain in one person's heart. I'm not sure how I survived it and sometimes wonder how I will continue survive it.

But 2010 also gave me the 20 happiest weeks of my life.
I became a mother.
My fairytale really did come true in 2010,
only it was far too brief
and there is no happy ending for me.


  1. Paige....

    TRY AGAIN!!!! Give us hope!!! I have faith in you!!! Your blogs have brought me to tears lying in bed and reading and sitting on my couch reading. My heart and soul are with you!! I pray 2011 brings you alll you'e ever wanted. I'm sorry 2010 was painful...

    sending you hus from the great white north,
    Mrs. Sunnyside Up

  2. When its over, it'll be ok. If its not ok, its not over.

    You're not at an ending yet, so I refuse to say there is no happy ending. All real happy endings are bittersweet in some way - the hollywood happy ending is just that, a movie.

    Hang in there and keeping walking through this. I believe 2011 has some happiness in store for you, one way or another, if you're willing.

    Thinking of you now and always <3

  3. I ditto what Randi said...if it's not ok, it's not over. You can still have a happy ending, whether that means trying for another baby or whatever else you dream.

  4. Oh Paige! I know this is heartbreaking for you. I'm so sorry.

    Life is so strange. Happy endings in life don't look like those scripted ones in the movies. In fact, life has a way of twisting and turning and moving in unpredictable ways. It's not until we've looked back in hindsight at our journey that we see some sort of message or lesson. Sadly, the pain in our journey is often our greatest teacher in showing us our own capacity for love and strength. I don't know why that is...but from personal experience I can say that my most heartwrenching times in this journey has been what has broken me wide open and shown me what I am truly capable of. It amazes me that I can still love after I've been shattered.

    To love again after such sorrow will take much courage that comes with time & simply putting one step in front of the other. It doesn't feel simply feels like trying to survive.

    But when you are given another gift...I guarantee you will treasure it that much more in the most bittersweet, the most fierce & intimate way. This love returns to you in ways that you would never have planned for yourself.

    Please have the tiniest amount of hope that your happiness is being planned for you at this very moment. You have connections in heaven that are pulling strings for you even now. Know that you have a truly special angel watching over you. The angel who first taught you about true, unconditional love.

    And even if you can't muster up that hope right now, please try to rest your broken faith in those of who do...and let us carry those broken little piece of you for a while.

    You will get through this. Not only that, but true happiness will make its way back into your life. I promise.

  5. We are here hoping for you, that MMXI brings you peace of mind and heart in whatever you decide to do.

    As to the ultrasound and whether the clot was missed or unseen, it is one of those things that you will likely never know with the surety your are craving. The technology is not absolute, it is a diagnostic tool. I am sure that if your doctor saw it, he would not have brushed it aside. It is a big "if" and not one worth torturing yourself over.

    Greyson will live on through you and throughout your life.

  6. I have a couple of things that come to mind with this. First off the idea of the clot forming quickly and not knowing which came first the clot or the abruption makes sense. Also I could be wrong on this but I believe that with the ultrasound yes the doctor does look at "read" it but I think they are also usually "read" officially by a radiologist. So that would have been an additional set of eyes seeing it and saying something if there had been a problem to note. Hugs to you sweetie. Thinking of you so much.