Saturday, January 1, 2011

Shrunken Boobs

The first thing I did in this new year was notice that my boobs have shrunk. I didn't think they had grown much while I was pregnant but now it's clear that they did. I really miss my pregnant body. I couldn't wait to get that really pregnant baby belly and was worried I wouldn't since I'm so fat to begin with. What a stupid worry to have.

I spent most of the day in bed but did rouse myself to go to my parents for the annual New Year's clam chowder. Not sure how we Midwesterners started this particular tradition but mom makes it every year. Fun joking with E about our weird cousin who had talked to me really inappropriately about his girlfriend the day before. I think the dude got aroused while we were talking...eww. And sweet Dollface took me to help her gather the eggs and then made it her job to wash them all and put them away. I couldn't help but recall my childhood when that was my daily chore.

On the topic of enjoying life:
I do not. But if I ever do enjoy life again, I don't think I will feel guilty. Enjoying things and experiences could never take Greyson further from me or make me forget him. But who knows, the darndest emotions come out of me at the darndest times and I can't predict or control them. The few things I have enjoyed, I felt good about, like I was healing. I'm sure that makes me a weirdo but I know Greyson would not want me to wallow or feel badly about laughing or enjoying life. I try to think about what I would want, if I were him. If I died, I would not want my mother to feel badly about learning to feel good again.

On the topic of trying again:
I have either 4 or 6 frozen embryos and I probably will try to get pregnant again. It's just such a big idea and so far away and seems so terrifying. I can barely think about it. My soul is too shattered and I can't imagine gathering enough of the pieces together for another try. I don't have a vision of what trying again would look or feel like. I'm not brave enough. I barely lived through losing Greyson and I'm pretty sure I could never survive another loss like this one.

Also, there is a prevailing feeling that this was my one good chance at becoming a mother and it got wrecked, just like every other chance I've had at true happiness. My instincts tell me that if I try again, it won't take or it will be an early loss. Not sure why I feel this way, but that's why they call it an instinct, I guess. I'm pretty sure I'll have to face the biggest fear of my life by the end of 2011. Never becoming a mother.

Maybe my instincts are crap though. At one point during my two week wait, I was really really sure I was not pregnant. And after the anatomy scan ultrasound, I was really sure I would have a healthy baby. Who the hell knows....


  1. It is good to hear some peace in your post. I hope this keeps growing.

    I completely understand the feeling that you had your chance and it is now lost. But I want to tell you that you really can't trust that feeling. I was convinced that my miscarriage was just that for me, and went forward with IVF as a way to give myself some peace, so that I could always know that I tried everything. And against all odds I ended up pregnant. I have another chance that I never believed I'd get. You will too.

  2. I can definitely relate to the fear of never being a mother. I'm not pursuing motherhood currently but it is a BIG fear of mine.

  3. Dearest Paige...Sorry I've been MIA...I've been reading, but haven't been strong enough to post on most people's blogs lately...I am glad to hear you are thinking about trying again, even if it is only a fleeting thought. I will be trying in May and it would be good to have my August twin sister to keep me company. Thinking of you every day and sending lots of hugs.

  4. Paige,

    Your thoughts on happiness was so touching to read. Can I say that in the simple act of sharing, you are such an inspiration. What you have given will surely be given back. And many times over.

  5. I'm happy to read of talk of the future in your blog. I think your instincts are wrong right now because they've been messed with. I think your chance for happiness is still out there.

    I can understand being scared of trying something again when the first time didn't have a good ending. But I also know that you are a very determined person. I also know that you'd make a wonderful Mom. I hope that one day you decide to try again. We'll be there for you in good times and in bad.


  6. Thinking about the future when you're working through each moment is difficult and can be scary. But, that you're even trying to picture what it might look like is a big step.
    Paige, you are a very brave, strong, and loving woman. Through this entire journey, you have shown great courage. You may not feel like it or be able to see it right now, but if you could see through our eyes you would know what an incredible woman you truly are. You deserve some happiness.
    I'm glad you are finding moments to enjoy and starting to heal.

  7. Don't confuse instinct with fear, and don't let fear keep you from trying again when you're ready. It took me over 2 yrs after my loss @ 16 weeks to try again, and looking back, I wish I hadn't let the fear stall me for so long. Like you, I was convinced it would never work out for me. But as you know, it did.
    Take care of yourself!

  8. I think you've made a very positive step forward in healing by knowing it's ok to laugh & feel happiness while grieving.

  9. Hi Paige,

    I just wanted to let you know that I've been following you along ever since you lost your beautiful baby boy. I think you are so strong and brave.

    It wasn't fair. None of this is fair.

    I agree with the above poster about not confusing fear and instinct. It's so hard to know what the future will hold, but if another try is in your future, then take your time and do it only when you feel ready.

    Good luck. I'll be following along.

  10. I agree 100% with your insight about happiness. Sweet Pea would have brought you so much happiness, and you would have given him an amazing childhood. That makes me think that Greyson would want an abundance of happiness in your life, in part since his death robbed you two of a shared lifetime of happiness, mother and son. There's nothing that can replace him or make up for this devastating loss, but he would want joy and love for you, his mom.

  11. Consider one step at a time. Just the idea of taking inventory of your eggs must have taken a lot out of you. Trying to plan out the next steps can be weeks, months or a year later - and then just as long before you take the next step.

    It is good to hear you think of the future. You have ups and downs - I am happy to share this new version of up with you.

    Lots of love Paige.