Sunday, January 2, 2011


Tired, so tired. I wanted so badly to stay in bed today. But Dad and E were over here most of the day putting drywall up where the wall and soffit were in the kitchen. I can't very well just lounge around while they are here working so hard. The finishing guy (C's brother in law, or would be if her sister ever stops having babies and marries this guy) is coming over tonight and I still won't be able to just... be.

I'm debating on dropping the grad class I'm supposed to take this semester. It's taught by
the same teacher who made me write a final a week after my baby died. Also, there is a woman who I know will be in the class who is due 3 days before I was due. I'm not sure I can look at the two of them all semester long. It just sounds like undue pain to me. And who really cares about classes when all I can think about is what happened to my baby and keeping my sanity. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that if I don't continue with classes, I won't ever go back.

Back to school tomorrow. I know I'll survive it but I really don't want to go. It all seems so soul suckingly exhausting.


  1. I'm proud of you for surviving Christmas Paige...I can imagine how exhausted you'll be tomorrow after you are back to school. Maybe it would help to make plans with some Yayas for Friday or Saturday, to help in part to get you through the week. Maybe there'll be a snow day this semester too. As for the class, I could really imagine you would need the break, especially since it's with the same teacher and your classmate's pregnancy will be in your face. Thinking of you!

  2. My vote is for you to take a break from that class. I already dislike the stupid professor from before, but having to look at that other student everyday would be way too much for me.
    I know that makes it harder to go back, because who really wants to be there in the first place?
    But, maybe you could take a different class this semester? I don't know if that's an option or not, but I'd try.
    If not, you'll just have to swear to yourself that you'll go back after 1 semester off.
    Just my 2 cents...
    As far as the kitchen remodel- if your Dad and brother are like my husband, they would rather have you stay out of their hair. If you feel like staying in bed all day, tell them you don't feel like being up and let them go for it. I'm sure they'll understand.
    Take it easy on yourself. You've been through a lot.
    Let me know if you want to get together one day this week for a cup of coffee or hot chocolate or something and chat after school. I'm dreading going back this week too and if we have something to look forward to maybe that will help a little.

  3. I'd say it might be a good idea to take a break from that class too. And if you take a break it doesn't mean you'll never go back, just that you need a break. Hugs to you.

  4. Oh... I hate that you have all of this commotion in your house when you need your own personal space and "wallow" time (time to just be and feel or not feel without judgement).

    I agree that it seems like the right time to take as much pressure off you as you can. The class can wait a semester or two.

  5. I am going to offer an opposite opinion about classes. I think you should take it. It might not be as bad as you think it will be. It sounded like you thought the prof was nice before. It might be good to focus on the class which is moving your forward. I don't know the intensity of the pain you are feeling so my advice may be way off the mark. Whatever you decide, it will be the right choice.

  6. I'm with Selkie - I think class might be a good distraction for you. I know that if I don't force myself to do things or give myself a commitment I have to meet that I can very easily end up holing up in my house wallowing in sadness and self-pity.

    Maybe switch classes instead?

    I know you'll do what's right for you and I believe G-d has you in his heart and on your path.

  7. Hmm...I was going to suggest switching to a different class, too...or, if you do drop the class completely, maybe you could do something in its place like an art class of some kind? Watercolours or pottery or something so that you can get outside your head for a little bit? I know I would want to do nothing next semester, too, but when I'm depressed, if I get out and take the dog for a long walk, or do something I've been putting off, it does help.
    I know you'll make the right decision for you.

  8. I can understand your hesitation in taking the class. Do it anyway! Or take another class. It will help you feel like you are accomplishing something.

    I'm continuing to pray for you.

  9. Paige I've been lurking, then I was off-line for a bit, and when I came back I just didn't know what to say. Everything seems so inadequate. You are an amazingly strong woman and I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sending you a huge virtual hug.

  10. I really admire you for getting back to work and classes as quickly as you did. It seems I've hardly left the house the last three months and I've developed a real fear of going back to study and having to interact with people as if I were a normal person.

    I can completely understand not wanting to take that class and can't really offer any advice as to whether you should or not - but I am sure you will make the right decision.

  11. Paige, go and do your best today.

    You can always go home. You can always change the plan to follow some of the great ideas suggested here.

    You may find today works for you, if not. Skip it. All this crap will wait.

    I tried to go back to work and after a couple wks decided I couldnt do it yet.

    This is your life and you run what you can in it. Take it easy and call it hour by hour my dear.

  12. Paige, perhaps skipping that class and taking another if possible is best. You know your boundries and that just might be a bit too much to ask of yourself right now. Be kind and gentle and forgiving with yourself....if it were somebody else in your shoes, you would do it for them. :)

    That's tough having people around when you just want to be alone....I hope the remodel is done soon so you can have your solitude back, maybe them being there is a hidden blessing right now. xoxoxoxox