Saturday, January 15, 2011

Update On Grief And The State Of My Sanity

I don't know if you noticed but I was able to write a blog entry yesterday without mentioning grief, crying, pain, my dead baby or the shaky state of my sanity. I'm feeling desperately sad, still and missing Sweet Pea with every breath. Something's changed, I guess. Numbness seems to have taken over. I still cry daily and sometimes I cry hard but I haven't had a truly hysterical crying jag for a few days. My mind still turns and turns without stopping but the frightening high speed that threatens me ever closer to the edge of my sanity has slowed some.

I've been worrying about something that is really, really silly. I know Aunt Alys came and took Greyson away from me in the hospital to bring him into Heaven. I keep waiting and waiting for some dream or sign that he's happy and ok but it doesn't come. Greyson was created with a donor egg and donor sperm. He was a child of my heart not my genetics. What if he got confused In Heaven and went with the wrong family. I know it sounds insane but this really bothers me. I don't want him up there with strangers and lost. What if he's not showing up in my dreams because he can't find me? What if I get up to heaven and I can't find him? I may as well go to hell.

Maybe my mind hasn't slowed as much as I thought?

Mom went with me today to pick tile for the kitchen. We found some lovely old world looking tile for the backsplash. It's kind of different yet kind of traditional. I felt a spark of interest while we were looking.

Dad, E and RV installed the oven and the cabinetry around the fridge, worked on electrical stuff and brought in the island cabinets. The project rolls forward...spark or no spark.

Thanks to MB, I'm now obsessed with the "stats" button. I never knew that existed before yesterday. I really and truly CANNOT believe how many of you out there read. I can't figure out WHY you would want to read but I'm glad that you do.

Thank you.

I really wish you would ALL delurk!


Right now!

Go head, click on comments and tell me hi.
I dare you.


  1. I'll delurk...I think of you often and of Greyson, i can only imagine how beautiful he is! I want you to know that I believe even though he wasn't genetically yours, he was made for you and therefore you will see him again and you have such an amazing guardian angel looking down on you.

  2. I will delurk. I found you through another blog (can't remember which one) on the day you announced your were expecting. So sorry for your loss. I know you have an angel looking after you now.

  3. Hi! I think about you too--even though I've never met you--I do. You will absolutely find him when it's time. He won't get lost that easily.

  4. I don't always comment if I don't really have something to say, but I don't really consider that lurking. In time, your crying days will be fewer and farther between, hang in there.

  5. Hi:). Read every nite. You are a very strong woman and I am so very sorry for your loss.

  6. Greyson can't get lost. He's in her arms still. He knows his mama, knows his mama's smell, his mama's touch when you would reach and wait for him to move. He knows you, loves you and is waiting for you.
    He'll never be lost because he's never known any other home, any other family, any other mama but you. Trust me, when you get there, he'll be the one to find you instead of you trying to find him.
    So much love to you Paige. Just be assured that though you may not see any sign of it (though I wish you would daily) he's still all your's.

  7. Hi Paige,

    It's Libby, Kim's friend. I pray for you constantly.

    I'm delurking...HIIIII(waving madly at my computer screen). I'm so glad you liked your necklace. Know that I'm lurking, on a daily basis :)

    Your lurking supporter and pray warrior,
    Libby :)

  8. Not a lurker but sending hugs and hellos from So CA.

  9. Paige, honey, it's not the same, but I do still have times when I cry for my Dad. When he first died it was constant. Over time the crying and pain lessened. I still miss him and think of him, but it isn't a constant pain. That is my closest experience with grief.

    Next, I agree with so many: you will find Greyson in Heaven. I can't speak for why you haven't felt any messages from him, but I know that he will be there waiting. As for your mind spinning, are you taking the meds your doctor prescribed? I know how much my meds help me.

    Cool about the kitchen still progressing. When you get done with yours, you can come help me figure out what to do with my teeny tiny galley kitchen. :-(

    I'm glad that you found the stats button. I hope that it makes you feel a little more connected to see how many people do care and do read. I love you and I think of you daily.

  10. You are not insane.
    And Greyson will find you, and you him.

    Hang in there. you are doing so great.

  11. Dear Paige,
    Sorry about posting anonymously. I am new, in the last few months to reading blogs - and I don't really understand how they work - I am 39 TTC - using a donor - and I would just hate to leave you a comment, and have my email address or something pop up for someone at work to some across!
    I love reading your posts and I pray for you and Greyson - I am sure he will have a number of people who will love him in heaven - but you are his only mother , you carried him here on earth - and that connection can never be broken.
    much love

  12. Delurking to say hi as well. :)
    Wish I had the words to say all I wanted to express. You and Greyson, you touch me. I wish I could somehow just - I don't know..make it all better for you. Impossible, I'm aware. But please feel that positive energy from me and know that it's there.

  13. I have posted before and even attempted to email you. I found your blog from another blog and now read daily. I am also a SMBC.

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is one no mother should ever know.

  14. I read you daily, and pray for you often!

  15. Even though Greyson was not made up with your DNA, I think that part of a baby comes from the soul. The moment you found out you were pregnant with him all of the love that you felt went rushing into him and he became yours. He'll find his way to you.
    Not the same thing exactly, but when my Grandma died I sobbed every day for a while. One day I realized I had gone an entire day without crying and I cried about that because I felt like I was abandoning her if I let the grief go. Finally I realized that even when I didn't cry I could still keep her in my heart every day.
    Greyson will be in your heart on days that you cry, days that you don't, days that you feel sad, happy, nervous, mad, excited, anything. Crying isn't what keeps him there, your love does.
    I'm glad you found the stats do you see how many times I check your blog???

  16. Ok I am going to de-lurk too, since you asked so nicely! I've been reading for a little while now, just since you lost your baby. I've wanted to comment but never knew what to say. It is so sad that you lost him. I do think of you very often though and I hope you find joy again in life. I am coping with a loss in my life too - not the same kind of loss, but one I am struggling to understand. It was very sudden. It really resonated with me when you said recently how you felt that everyone else around you forgot what happened, and were over it. I know what it feels like to want to hold on to the sadness because its better to feel it than to feel nothing.

    Anyway, just wanted to say hi and a little about myself. Take care & please keep writing.

  17. Yes, I too am a lurker. I read, and do not comment, because I have no words to comfort you. Only my love.

  18. Hi Paigey. I read your blog all the time and even though I don't comment often just know that I care and I still think about you and Greyson all the time...

    Love ya!

  19. Delurking here. I am not sure how I found your blog, but I've been reading for a while. I don't think I've commented before, but I do think of you often...

  20. I've delurked before. But I'll do it again! Hi!

  21. I lurk... sometimes I dont know what to say... I did comment once when I was anonymous...
    I think of you often... actually, you are the only blog I go and read daily...

  22. Paige,

    I have posted once before, but am delurking to let you know that I'm here, reading, and sending healing thoughts your way every time I read your blog.

    All best to you,


  23. I think of you and Sweet Pea so often and feel sure that he's in heaven and you'll be reunited someday. Hope you're having a good weekend. I loved the bald eagle pictures!

  24. Not so much delurking as trying not to stalk ya! Your clarity of mind, even in its deepest moments is amazing. Maybe that is the sign you need? Maybe instead of heaven being somehow separate, when we lose a loved one they are carried within to help keep us strong?
    How many stats hits have you had???

  25. Greyson absolutely knows YOU are his mom. YOU created him, YOU carried him and helped him grow, YOUR love is what he knows and feels. His arms will be up and wide open, eagerly waiting to be picked up when you see him again.
    Sending you big hugs, Paige.

  26. The good news is you have already labeled the insane the insane - tee hee. Greyson will find you, its not based on genetics, he knows who his momma is.

    I never knew about that stas page either, that was fun to view and wow there are so many lurkers out there!!!!!! Holy crap! Of course we love to read Paige......we adore you. xoxoxox

  27. Delurking. Hugs to you - I feel for your pain, and cried for you today as I related to some of the things you said. I feel strongly that YOU are the momma of the baby that was growing inside of you. There is no doubt in my mind that donor egg or not, our babies will find us in heaven, even if they can't get a message to us now.

  28. hey Paige, thinking of you. I think you are totally sane, and DE does do weird things to your brain. But YOU know Greyson is yours, so matter where a couple of his cells came from. ALL the cells he was made up of when he went to heaven were produced in YOUR body, using material from you. Don't let any doubt of your maternity get in the way, you will ALWAYS be Greyson's mom. Give yourself a bit more time, this wound is still so raw.

  29. Okay, I will delurk, too! Hi, I'm thinking of you and Sweat Pea often from out here in another midwest city. Greyson will always be able to find you!

  30. Delurking too. Greyson is with you no matter where you are. No one can ever take that away from you. Your a wonderful mommy to the core.

  31. I remember the point at which I realized something in my grief had changed, numbness is exactly the rght word, but not that im further from that point I realize it is the point at which you start to develop a coping mechanism through grief and "it doesnt go away, it just gets a little easier" I am happy for you that it is starting to get a fraction of a moment easier. Greyson is with you every day. He never left your side, you just can't see him. Sometimes I notice Kayden in a rainbow or a perfect breeze, or a thunderstorm. I always ask my papa to give him a squeeze before I fall asleep, and the other day I wasnt asleep yet but I had a "thought" or a visit from my papa and he was hugging me so tight and smiling so big. I think that visit was Kayden asking him to hug me back. Before you go to bed at night talk to your aunt. Ask her to keep Greyson close to you or for her to give him a hug from you. Our angels Listen. xoxo I pray for it to keep getting a little easier to cope.

  32. Dude, its HEAVEN. There are no strangers there. That would be rather un-heaven-ish.

  33. Hi...delurking to say that you are in my prayers daily. I found you via another blog...can't remember which one now. Please know there are others of us out here that care, and pray for you daily.

  34. Hi Paige,
    I have been reading your blog since you found me and made kind comments on my old blog "o small you" (which is now Joyous Birdie) sometime early last year. I have followed you almost daily. I love your transparency and authenticity. I have been very emotionally affected by your experiences. I always wish you good things and feel support for you.

  35. i lurk because i understand but don't feel like i have anything worthwhile to say. i lost my baby at 35 weeks. she was born still, silent and beautiful. i understand. time will help. i promise. greyson knows where to go. he is safe, loved and happy. just like my girl. take care of yourself. peace, nancy

  36. I'm still here and behind as usual.
    The grief I'm sure will continue to come and go and take you through different places. And Greyson will know where to find you and will be there for you.
    Glad the kitchen is moving along and going well. I can't wait to see finished pictures.
    Hugs to you.

  37. Paige,

    I truly believe that your spirit knew Greyson's spirit long before the two of you knew each other physically. And your souls will reunite again.

    Signs? You'll get one when you aren't looking for it, at the perfect moment, and it will make you laugh with tears and fill your heart with all the love and gratitude you can hold. And it will happen periodically throughout your life.

    Please remember that Greyson's time is no longer in our time. What seems forever to you is actually a blink of an eye for him. We think of time in a linear way. Spiritually, however time does not exist like that at all.

    But it will happen.