Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Releasing Crap

I guess it was an ok day....as ok as they get these days. School was fine except for DRA reading test where each child reads to me individually. The scores are so low, so low. I think it's been about 6 weeks since I've taught small group reading between vacation, snow days, other junk going on at school and the obvious. Not fair to the kids. I just hope it's not too late for me to dig in and make up for lost time. And I hope I'm able to do it.

I went to my dentist, who is friends with me on FB because we went to high school together, not because we're actually friends. The same dentist I dreamt about here. It seems every single thing I do is tied to some pregnancy memory. He didn't mention anything about my loss although I did post something about it on FB. But he DID shove pictures of his four children in my face, including the twins and the recent adopted baby. I'm thinking they had infertility trouble. Who knows? I'm thinking of changing dentists.

On the topic of being honest:
Writing here is not me being honest or gracious. It has become something I just HAVE to do. There is something to be said for releasing crap into the "universe". And writing here is my life line to sanity or the attempt at sanity. YOU are my life line to sanity. I reread your comments over and over sometimes. Some of your comments are so beautiful and deep. So loving. Sometimes it's just the common sense I need at that moment. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear while I'm emotionally writhing and in such pain. The things you write to me DO make a dent in the guilt, and obsessive self doubt. At times, I wonder if there will ever be another happy thing on this blog. I know what I've written since it happened has been so harsh and ugly. Hard to write so I'm sure hard to read too. Thank you for staying with me during this crapfest and I apologize for not being able to comment on most of your blogs.

More released crap:
You may be wondering how my Clara Dog is doing. Very well. Still limping but she's getting more and more difficult to keep "quiet". Much improvement on that first week, when she was in such distress that I wondered if I made the right decision or should have followed Dad's advice to put her down. I take a couple of her staples out everyday with a surgical staple remover Dad had with his vet equipment and the incision looks good. I hope the inside is healing just as well. AND she finally pooped (released crap) on Sunday. If you're keeping track that's 12 days after surgery! I'm estimating that about 10 pounds of crap came out of my 60 pound dog. The vet had said she might not poop for 3-5 days but my Clara B is definitely an overachiever on holding crap in. I can't imagine how uncomfortable she was. 2 weeks of "recovery" down and 2 to go. Then rehabilitation starts.

Too honest?


  1. I love hearing about ALL of the crap in your life...so bring it.
    As far as your dentist goes...I think men are different on facebook than women. We women read people's posts, analyze them, pay attention to them, look through pictures, etc. Men (meaning the ones I know) scan for anything that directly concerns them, send goofy videos to their friends, make fun of stupid things that people say and click back to fantasy baseball or football. Your dentist might not have a clue about your situation. I'm not making excuses for him, but sometimes I post stuff on facebook and my own husband doesn't even have a clue about it.

    Keep releasing here on the blog.

  2. OMG, poor Clara! I bet she feels a million times better right now! I'm glad she's recovering.

    As for your dentist - I bet he never even saw your posts. I spoke to someone today who I see posts from EVERY single day, and she didn't know I was pregnant. I don't know how FB does those things, but really, I can't believe I was subjected to all her great pregnancy posts right after my miscarriage (we were due within days of each other) and she never saw anything from me.

    Which also reminds me to say again that you do not need to feel bad for not reading my blog or commenting. At all. I wouldn't be able to do it if I were you. Not now and not for a long time. But I hope you don't mind that I continue to read yours and post comments. I don't know that anything I say is ever comforting, but I hope at least it helps to know that you have so many people out there lending their ears (eyes?) and sending you support every day.

  3. What a sweet post. There is something buried in there even better than happy posts - love. It is as good to give it as it is to receive it, huh?

    I heard about a new book on the drive home on NPR. It is from a woman who has a stillborn child. She said dont tell me I will live through this. That will not comfort me. Tell me there is a chance I may burst into flames tomorrow. That will comfort me.

    Paige, we will always be here for you. We probably say the wrong thing at times but know we do it with love and respect.

    Paige, you might spontaneously combust tomorrow.

  4. I wish I had known about poor Clara's poop situation, canned pumpkin is supposed to work good for getting things out without taking too drastic measures. (But for future reference, now you know, try adding some canned pumpkin to her food, I'm surprised the vet didn't mention it.) I felt the same way immediately after our Rogue had knee surgery, she was so miserable and pathetic in the first week or two of the recovery, I wasn't sure we had done the right thing, but now she runs around like crazy (even across our yard of snow and ice which always makes me cringe because of her $1200 knee.) It was definitely the right decision, I hope that Clara makes a similar recovery quickly. It's so rough the first few weeks.

    I think a new dentist is totally in order. My dentist is awesome about small talk stuff, we've talked about my fertility treatment stuff and everything, she's really good about being sympathetic and asking questions without getting on my nerves about it (she doesn't have kids and is worried about how it will be when they start trying, too, as she suspects she also may have PCOS.) I wish you were in MO so I could send you to her.

    Keep writing away and don't worry about commenting/posting back.

  5. I'm ok with you releasing all the bad, all the ugly, all the hurt. You need to do that. There will be happiness again for you and here. I believe it.

  6. I'm so glad you have this blog to share all of your innermost thoughts about all you have been through. That's what this is here for and why we all follow. Continue to follow your heart...and keep writing. ((hugs))

  7. I'm glad to hear Clara is doing better.

    Paige, this is your space to write whatever you wish and need. I follow you words because they are authentic and real. You can never be too honest.

  8. Oh no, poor Clara!! I'm glad she at least got those bowels moving... sheesh.

    Blogging is about letting it out - and I'm proud of you and impressed that your continuing to do so here. Whenever I can let things out, they don't tend to have as much power over me.

    I've said before, I'll say it again: you keep writing, we'll keep reading. We <3 you.

  9. totally ok with all the honest crap over here, though I wish you and Clara both had less of it... know I am always here to listen (read).

  10. Aww, poor doggie, I'm glad she was able to go and sure she feels much better.
    I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting on your posts! I know it's so much easier to respond when things are all la di da and wonderful, but it's when someone is going through pain that it's most important you be there for them. I'm sorry that I haven't. I feel I have no words of wisdom for you, and just want to take away your pain. But I can't. But I can be there for you!
    So dear Paige, I have no words for you, but know that I keep you and Greyson P. in my heart and prayers.

  11. I'm glad you're able use yur blog as an outlet. You need & deserve a safe place to vent etc...so don't worry about us we care about you.

    Glad to hear Clara did some releasing of her own...

  12. Oh Paige, I've been reading and reading and reading your blog and it just breaks my heart. It brings memories of my days in hospital with Mallory back, and it just makes me so angry that we have to suffer like this.

    I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and so pleased that you've got your family close to look after you. No one quite gets it but our loved ones do the best they can.

    Blogging really is such a great way to get it out, and then hearing from someone who's suffered similarly makes it a little more bearable. Not better, because my broken heart can't fix your broken heart, but just knowing that someone else understands at lease a small part of what you're suffering. Keep blogging on bad days, and if you feel like it on the good days too.


  13. Thank you thank you thank you for your comment!

    I have been sweating out my comment for days it feels like! I am not funny but I cannot resist it. Defense mechanism or something pathetic like that.

    You know I would never be purposely disrespectful, I hope. I thought it was worth the risk to see if you would smile.

    Much, much love to you Paige.

  14. Paige, sweetie, keep writing. Don't let all the "crap" fester in there. You are never far from my thoughts- you and Greyson. P.S. I'm glad that Clara is feeling better

  15. Oh my goodness. Poor Clara and the massive poop. I'm glad she's doing ok and is getting that much closer to being done with confinement. It's hard confining them since they don't seem to understand the why of it even if they are hurting.
    My first thought on the dentist is what an ass but my second thought is that if he has been through infertility or loss and has seen your posts on FB maybe he thought it would be something hopeful for you? It doesn't seem very empathetic but men rationalize and process things so strangely.