I feel better today. Physically I'm kicking the flu's butt. Emotionally I hardly cried at all, relatively speaking. I was glad to see my kids. Being around them is so good for me. Especially when they are glad to see me too and behave well for me. They spent the first 30 minutes of the day telling me everything the substitute did wrong. "She didn't even know how we do calendar!" Poor sub.
I must say I'm feeling sane today. I feel half alive, rather than half dead and numb, which is how I usually feel on these 'good' days. Crazy how it can change so drastically from day to day. Speaking of crazy, I know I just said I feel sane but I did something a little crazy today.
I bought a book for Greyson. It didn't feel crazy at the time. It made me feel his love. It made me warm.
Whereever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman
"I wanted you more than you’ll ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go. . . . "
“So climb any mountain…climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly
"You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."
Remember I was being silly and worrying about Greyson in Heaven? Well, reading this book really helped me. My love grew him and my love can fly! We're not really separated at all. Only in the flesh are we apart. I also thought about Greyson's funeral service which focused on Psalms 139 part of which talks about God being with you no matter how far in the depths you are.
I'll be with Greyson again.
My faith will return.
PS I just evaded a phone call from the horrid professor who made me write that final days after I lost Greyson and who called the night of the first class of this semester which I'd dropped to ask why I wasn't there. What the hell could she want? Why can't she just leave me alone?