Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I dreamt last night that my long ago coworker came to visit me with her husband and kids while I worked at the mall. At the Gap, I think. I was so happy to see her. When we left, her husband and kids took the car while Sheila and I took a boat. The water was so clear and blue. But we wrecked. I was driving the boat and it was my fault. Sheila was very mad at me.

I feel better today. Physically I'm kicking the flu's butt. Emotionally I hardly cried at all, relatively speaking. I was glad to see my kids. Being around them is so good for me. Especially when they are glad to see me too and behave well for me. They spent the first 30 minutes of the day telling me everything the substitute did wrong. "She didn't even know how we do calendar!" Poor sub.

I must say I'm feeling sane today. I feel half alive, rather than half dead and numb, which is how I usually feel on these 'good' days. Crazy how it can change so drastically from day to day. Speaking of crazy, I know I just said I feel sane but I did something a little crazy today.

I bought a book for Greyson. It didn't feel crazy at the time. It made me feel his love. It made me warm.

Whereever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman

"I wanted you more than you’ll ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go. . . . "

“So climb any mountain…climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly

"You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Remember I was being silly and worrying about Greyson in Heaven? Well, reading this book really helped me. My love grew him and my love can fly! We're not really separated at all. Only in the flesh are we apart. I also thought about Greyson's funeral service which focused on Psalms 139 part of which talks about God being with you no matter how far in the depths you are.

I'll be with Greyson again.

My faith will return.


PS I just evaded a phone call from the horrid professor who made me write that final days after I lost Greyson and who called the night of the first class of this semester which I'd dropped to ask why I wasn't there. What the hell could she want? Why can't she just leave me alone?


  1. I don't think buying that book is crazy at all. I think it makes complete sense and is absolutely lovely. It's possible that Greyson was the one who led you to that book in the first place.

    A friend who dealt with grief a while ago told me that grief is unpredictable, with ups and downs that take you by surprise. It would be so much easier if you knew "it'll be bad for x number of days, and then gradually get bearable."

  2. I agree with Shannon above me...maybe that's the sign you're looking for. I think the lines you wrote on the blog here represent EXACTLY how you feel and maybe he's acknowledging that he knows and that's what prompted you to buy the book.

  3. I've never seen that book but it sounds wonderful, thanks for sharing it, I'll have to check it out for sure!

  4. Paige that quote from the book is so beautiful, and so perfect for you and Greyson.

    Your post tonight makes me think of a guest-post on another blog that I read just a couple days ago. Here's the link: In it, the author says so powerfully, "we are not these bodies." And one of the many beautiful comments to this post quotes C.S. Lewis "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.”

  5. What a wonderful book. I love the cover. The quote is beautiful. I'm so glad you bought it!

  6. Not insane at all, friend, in fact that's absolutely beautiful. That quote is perfect and even better is the way it made you feel.
    I hope that book and so many more things to come make you feel warm. That's such a sweet love you have for him (and him for you). I hope you feel it always.

  7. Yeah for a good day! That book is a Godsend, like a big hug from heaven. Its beautiful, sweet and just what you needed.

  8. That sounds like a truly fabulous book. I'm glad you found it.
    Hugs to you and hope you're all over that dang flu soon.

  9. Paige, I love that book you bought and I love that it helped you. Anything that brings you comfort and peace makes me happy, that and knwoing your feeling better physically too.

    That Professor needs to back the F off or I will personally show up and let her know to leave you alone! (sorry Im feeling protective).

  10. What a sweet and lovely book and not at all a crazy thing to buy. I am glad it brings you some comfort and glad that you had (or are having) some better days.

    What did the professor want? I hope to tell you you got an A.

  11. I am going to echo everyone else about the book: there is nothing crazy about buying this book. It looks and sounds wonderful and helps you comprehend some of this. That is great. I'm praying for more good days for you.

  12. What a wonderful book.How very special.I just wanted to let you know that there is an award on my blog for you.-Megan

  13. I teared up reading this post, Paige. I'm so happy it spoke to you in such a deep way. Continued Big Hugs of support to you as you continue to navigate through this unimaginable place of loss and grief.

  14. Thank you for sharing. I am going to go buy this book for Kayden. I love the message. Our love will follow them wherever they are *hugs*

  15. Paige, I absolutely love the quote you wrote from the book and think it describes your love for Greyson perfectly. Your love does fly and always will to find your precious baby boy...


  16. Oh my gosh, this post has me in tears for so many reasons. What a beautiful book, anything that makes you feel Greyson's love & warmth is not fact nothing about your post made you seem crazy at all. Hang onto the good days as they will get you through the bad ones.

  17. The book sounds marvelous and I love hearing the glimpse of your faith returning. I'm proud to know you!!