My coworker, KO, noticed my pretty little necklace today and complimented me on it. I was pleased and showed her Greyson's name inside. I could tell I'd done the wrong thing. It made her uncomfortable and I think she might even have been disgusted. I love Greyson and was proud of him. I still feel very close with him even though he's not with me. Why is it not acceptable to talk about that?
Every night I ask Aunt Alys to bring Greyson to visit me in my dreams. I want and need so badly to see him again and know he's happy. She hasn't brought him yet. I'm hopeful because my grandma came frequently to visit my mother right after she died. So far the only person showing up is Dr. H and I know he's not visiting from heaven.
I haven't gotten any pennies from heaven since I lost Greyson. I guess Aunt Alys is pretty busy these days.
Here's the philosophy on dealing with other people that I've taken, which you may or may not adopt for yourself:
ReplyDeleteWhat makes other people uncomfortable is not *my* problem. I am allowed to bring my daughter up, to mention her as often as I want, and wear things to remember her. If that makes someone uncomfortable, that's on them, and it's not my problem. (And realize that some people might just be uncomfortable not because you brought him up, but because now they aren't sure what they are supposed to say. And maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to say after explaining the necklace, "Thank you for mentioning it. It really helps me to talk about Greyson." That kind of lets them off the hook for trying to "say the right thing", when you are telling them they just said/did the right thing.
It did take some time for me to get comfortable with making other people uncomfortable. But I hope you realize that it's not your job to make them comfortable. And it's okay to mention Greyson even knowing it will make someone uncomfortable. Losing a baby trumps someone else's discomfort in discussing it.
I really don't understand your coworkers. Why would she feel disgusted????? It is completely acceptable to talk about Greyson, so disgust shouldn't have been on her face at all.
ReplyDeleteMost people in our society do feel uncomfortable talking about death, but nobody has the right to portray disgust.
I think that you will see Greyson in your dreams eventually. It took me a while to see my Grandma in my dreams but she makes a visit every now and then. It might not even happen in your dreams. The first time I "saw" my grandma after she passed was in a tree. We used to always swing on the porch swing and look at a certain tree when she was at my house. She always thought the tree was so beautiful because it was so big. She passed in May and in June that tree's branches started forming a heart. It wasn't like that before. There was an indention at the top and the branches were rounded bumps on the top at both sides and toward the trunk went in like a point. It stayed a heart the rest of that summer. I think that was her first message to me. So, keep your eyes open- there might be a sign of a different sort for you. ♥
I really cannot imagine her being disgusted, maybe she just got super uncomfortable and did not know what to say.
ReplyDeleteIn real life, very, very few people have been able to react in a truly helpful/empathetic manner after they find out you have had a pregnancy loss. They just don't know what to say to you, and most of the time they pretend like it has not happened.
In my experience----
My friends don't want to really hear even one detail about the loss, about why it happened, they do not know how to deal with it. When I got back from India, I expected people to ask me questions. They don't, for the most part they act like not had ever happened.
I've had very few people (strangers) actually say the words 'I'm sorry' when I have to tell them I've had a miscarriage. I could have been talking about the weather for all the reaction I got out of them.
I've had doctors who are utterly callous. I said the F word as in 'f..no this cannot be happening again' when my doctor told me my baby had no heart beat, my doctor told me not to swear in his presence...I don't think anything beats that.
The radiology technician was this chirpy idiot who kept beaming widely at me while I was crying
as she did the ultrasound to confirm my baby had died.
In short, most people are insensitive, have no idea how to react and generally do not give a damn in these situations. I've *almost* given up on expecting any sort of kind response, its just the way things are and I don't think it will ever change.
Ironically its the insensitive people I can deal with easily...I've broken down more with the few people who people have been kind and empathetic, so I guess there is a silver lining in everything.
You will always love your baby and remember him, but unfortunately most people IRL are in a different place.
I'm sorry...this keeps on hurting in a 1000 little ways, doesn't it?
I wonder if your coworker had a look of disgust more in terms of her own handling of the situation (i.e., maybe a little disgusted with herself)?
ReplyDeleteBut then I read the other comments, and especially that a doctor told his patient not to cuss in front of him when he just gave her horrible news. There really are a remarkably large number of people who have a problem with sympathy. I keep getting the impression that in the IF/loss world, empathy is the only thing that brings real compassion.
I agree with Angie -- she has a really good philosophy. You should celebrate your Greyson and your love for him and do so as openly as you want. Don't ever apologize for it.
I hope Aunt Alys visits you with Greyson tonight, but I guess she has her hands full with a newborn these days. :)
You didn't do the wrong thing. It's not your fault she didn't know how to handle that. That's your son and you have every right to talk about him whenever you want to.
ReplyDeleteYour necklace is beautiful and such a treasure in the way it pays tribute to Greyson. I'm so sorry that it felt like your friend recoiled when she learned the significance to you. I hate that people get uncomfortable around babyloss moms. Some people may kick themselves for "reminding" the mom of her loss, but your sweet pea is on your mind and in your heart all the time. I expect the conversational windows where you have an opening to mention Greyson P. are all too rare, and it's 100% good for you to speak his name.
ReplyDeletePaige ,I am new to your blog and just recently had a chance to read your back story on the loss of your son. It brought tears to my eyes. My heart breaks for you.( I have lost two babies through misscarriages )You wear your necklace with pride and don't let anyone else make you feel uncomfortable just because they don't know what to say.((hugs))-Megan
ReplyDeleteI really, really like what Angie said.
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad that in this world of instant messaging, text messaging, emails, electronic communication...that we've somehow lost the ability to show compassion when it is obviously needed the most.
I really think people don't know what to do or say when confronted with something as deeply profound as losing a baby. When I miscarried years ago, my boss told me "well, you can always try again." I've since heard that a lot of women get this reaction. WTH?
Through my own personal experience, I've learned that someone saying a simple and sincere "I'm so sorry" means more to me than these other awkward attempts. I wish more people knew that. But they don't. And it's not your fault.
I love the idea of thanking someone for noticing the necklace & that it makes you feel good to remember your baby.
I think many people might be terrified to say the wrong thing, and so they just fumble. It does not diminish Greyson, nor your love for him. And that's all that really matters right now.
It's time the taboo was broken, it's just too bad for them if someone feels uncomfortable at the mention of your dead child. Do we get uncomfortable when someone talks about their dead grandparents? Why is it socially unacceptable to talk about a dead baby, unless it is a celebrity who suffered a loss?
ReplyDeleteGggrrr to people who want to bury their heads in the sand all the time.
Paige, honey, I am so sorry that you are still not getting the support you need from many of the people in your life. DO NOT feel bad for talking about Greyson. He is still an important part of who you are.
ReplyDeleteThat is not fair! My mom's mom passed away last year, and had a necklace made with her fingerprint. That way she's always with her and close to her heart. She was in for rehab for her knee, and the physical therapist asked her what the imprint was on her necklace. My mom told her what it was and the therapist got tears in her eyes and told her that was neatest thing she had seen. Now why is it okay to wear a necklace and talk about someone who lived to 80, but not a baby? I'm sorry you had to have another unnecessary reaction to your interaction. It has to make it even harder to want to talk to others, even if/when you want to. That's why I think it's great advice that you should not get to talk about your little boy because the other person feels uncomfortable about it.
ReplyDeleteIt's a beautiful necklace. I'm so sorry that your co-worker seemed disgusted by it or was unable to be supportive. I really don't understand people. I agree though that it is perfectly acceptable to miss and love Greyson and if any of that makes people uncomfortable it's their problem and not yours. Hugs to you and I'm hoping that in the coming days you can find a little bit of peace amidst the chaos in your soul and life.
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