I'm finding that time has been split into BDB (Before Dead Baby) and obviously ADB (After Dead Baby).
BDB-I would have written about drama going on at school. Because of a simple miscommunication an older battleax of a teacher (yes, it's KO of former glory) is saying that a younger teacher is a liar and the younger teacher and her friend were crying and saying how much they hated working at our school. I would have written how upset I was about it all.
ADB-I'm not upset but have decided that I work with children and I don't mean my students. I want to tell the older one to stop being such a battleax and I want to yell at the younger ones that none of this crap matters since they have children who are alive so shut up with the stupid crying.
BDB-I would have told you about the choices I've made for the kitchen remodel. I would have been excitedly planning where I would store baby bottles and sippy cups. I would have imagined a high chair in the dining area and a laughing toddler along with it, spaghetti sauce in his hair and noodles on the floor.
ABD-I can tell you that it was a slow chore to have made almost all the decisions for the remodel because I don't trust myself in my current mental state and I know I'll have to look at these choices for the rest of my life. I will go in tomorrow to make the official order and put money down. I look at all the cabinets and wonder what a childless, singleton needs with all that space within a fine new kitchen. I don't deserve it and wonder if I've wasted money I should be hoarding for some sort of adoption.
BDB-I would have written that it was a great weekend including circle time with the Yas on Friday, celebrating a friend's 50th birthday at Tucker's in Soulard on Saturday and three dinner invitations on Sunday. I ended up at E's and it did my heart good to see my nieces. I would have written about all the laughs and good memories made. BDB I would have written that it really was a great weekend.
ADB - I could write the same thing but I have to add that my heart felt so low all weekend. When I'm with friends and family I'm able to be distracted. I genuinely laugh and smile. I'm almost to the point that I can forget my pain for a while but then the social event ends and my heart drops. I spent a lot of time crying this weekend too.
BDB-I would have written about being 28 weeks pregnant now. Maybe I would have written about Sweet Pea doing inutero jumping jacks or the latest ultrasound or having to pee all the time or getting a larger belly and starting to feel encumbered by it. Maybe I'd be writing about a baby shower.
ADB-I tell you my heart hurts continuously with missing my Sweet Pea and I wish everyday that he'd stayed.
BDB-I would be planning for our future.
ADB-I wonder everyday what is going to become of me.
I wish i could tell you what is going to become of you and take the guesswork out of things, however it is for you to decide and whatever road you go down whether it be a hard road or a less intense one just know that you will be okay!
ReplyDeletealso you deserve a good kitchen, don't write yourself off so easily you might be surprised.
Oh how I wish he could have stayed with you,too. It makes complete sense that his loss has become a defining moment of your lifetime. It's only been 8 weeks since Greyson died and yet I'm certain it feels like an eternity.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you spent alot of time crying this weekend. But i'm glad you were able to be social and laugh some. I enjoyed spending time with you and talking with you on the phone.
I think (I'm hoping and praying) that because you see a divide between BDB and ADB you're starting to catch the glimpse of your old self just a bit. I know that right now you might have a couple of good hours and then things crash back down, but at least that is some progress. Remember to give yourself time, because even though it seems like an eternity, it hasn't been that long.
ReplyDeleteI have no words...I wish I could take your pain away, I really do but know that wish can bring you no comfort. Alway thinking of you, Paige & sending you my thoughts & prayers.
ReplyDeletePaige, of course losing Greyson is a monumental event in your life and you will probably judge events by it for a long time. I still judge events from that time period as pre-divorce and post-divorce. I have no answers, sweetie, but I want you to know that I am still here and am still reading. You are in my thoughts constantly.
ReplyDelete"I want to yell at the younger ones that none of this crap matters since they have children who are alive so shut up with the stupid crying."
ReplyDeleteI swear I have to stop myself from saying something like this to someone almost every single day. It's exhausting.
-Elphaba
I wish this wasnt such a good post. It is such a freak show, watching yourself in 3rd person. I dont think I really ever saw it so clearly until you pointed it out.
ReplyDeletePerspective does change when you've experienced the loss of someone you love and are grieving. The "small stuff" really does show itself as being tiny and insignificant and just not worthy of noting.
ReplyDeleteBut someday you're going to go into great, boring detail about the shape and design on your little one's sippy cup. Yes, you'll be that deliriously happy again.