I can't bring myself to talk to God and I'm not sure he's real. The new pastor was very kind and real. Even though many things she said were impossible to believe, she met my gut wrenching grief head on with a calm and loving heart. Her prayer was almost meaningless to me but that she believes is something to me.
Family and Yayas are trying to hold me.
Paige, I do understand your struggle because it does seem like a good and just god couldn't allow this to happen. I am not going to offer platitudes- they would just make my fingers curl as I type. I do hope though that you can come to an understanding of God which you can live with. Please allow the ones who love you to hold you and grieve with you. Borrow from their strength.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love. I'm glad your family and YaYa's are there to be your strength... let them hold you up.
ReplyDeletePaige- Your ya yas love you and you have been our strength at other times. I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow. The phone will be on in case you need anything. ♥ melissa
ReplyDeletePaige, it will get better day by day but your loss will always be with you. Our daughter lost our baby grandson, Ethan, at 16 weeks in October and it hurts daily but hope endures. peace be with you!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your family and yayas are there for you. Lean on them and get through this awful time. Wishing we could be there for you too even though we have never ever met. This journey can take you beyond hell sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI never told anyone this, but after my daughter was stillborn, I was rushed to emergency surgery and things looked a little grim.
ReplyDeleteI thought, "Oh, and now you are going to kill me? I dare you mother fucker, I DARE you!"
I lived obviously. I was so angry. I wanted to die so I could tell him exactly what I thought of him. And his plan. I was confident I would enter a debate with him and win.
And God waited for me. One day, a long time later, I looked up and he was still there. And I don't think he was mad at me.
He and I still have a lot to work out, but I get the feeling he maybe never left.
Hang in there Paige. I know you must be angry at G-d, but when you're ready don't forget that he is strong and can hold you up. Keep leaning on your family and us, if you can. Praying for you with all my heart.
ReplyDeleteI am not of the religious ilk so I am of no help with god, but it breaks my heart even more when people experience such horrible things that it shakes their belief system too. It is the double whammy of living through hell. I wish there was a way I could ease your pain. Know you are constantly in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you are surrounded by family & your yayas now. You don't need to go through this alone. Sending you continued love & supportive thoughts...
ReplyDeleteRoccie...I am touched by your story. And Paige...no words, just tears and hugs.
ReplyDeleteJoanie Shook
Scio, Oregon
Paige I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Please know that so many of us, all over the country and even world, are sending our love and prayers. When I feared for my daughter's life earlier this year, the love and support coming from people I didn't even know, all around the world, gave me so much comfort. I so hope you can begin to feel some of this love in the days and weeks ahead. I am so sorry for you and your beautiful boy. Claire (and Fiona), Boise, ID
ReplyDeleteThinking of you...I'm so glad your pastor was kind and that she met you where you are. And in the abyss of your grief, your family, the yayas, and your internet family are here.
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