Friday, December 17, 2010


Well, I've decided I hate my coworkers.
I hate that I'm uncomfortable to be around.
I hate that my coworkers can laugh and have fun when my only child is in the ground.
I hate watching that other teacher walk around with her baby bump.
I hate witnessing some people just popping out babies one after another and they don't even seem to cherish them.

I want to quit immediately. My local Subway is hiring.

Now, let me talk about how I hate all this damn jolliness that is around. I hate being asked if my shopping's done. I hate having to actually do the shopping and I really hate that of the three ideas I have for my mother's gift, none of them can be here until after Christmas. I previously loved Christmas music, now hate it. I hate that I'm only putting up a tree because my nieces want to come and help me decorate it. I hate that I have a row of sympathy cards where a row of Christmas cards should be.

I hate that there is all this crap I have to do to "celebrate" the birth of Baby Jesus.

None of it matters, I want to scream, because my baby is dead.

And I hate FB, way too much happiness on there.
I hate the exclamation marks that someone uses on their FB comments to me.
"Love you, Paige!!"
What is there to shout or be excited about?
What do they think this is? A damn party?

I hate that people say it's so nice that I'm off for 2 damn weeks. I hate that there are endless hours of "vacation" in front of me that I have to fill up with meaningless activity to distract myself from this grief that is crushing me.

I hate that every activity is now meaningless.

I also hate that I'm still bleeding.
I hate that squirty bottle I have to use after I go to the bathroom.
I hate that there are no answers and never will be.
And I hate Dr. Hottie.

I hate that no matter how hard I try, I don't act or sound normal.
I hate all this unstoppable crying.
I hate that I'm crying less and less each day.

I hate that I'm still breathing and he is not.

Most of all, I hate that this is all about me, not about my beautiful baby boy.


  1. That is a pretty good hate list with good reasons. I too hate all of those things for you Paige. xoxoxoxo

  2. I hate all this for you too. I hate it. I really do.

  3. I hate that life is so unfair - It is so hurtful to see others happy when life can be so hideous. You and your baby are frequently in my thoughts throughout my day.

  4. I hate that you have to go through this. It is so unfair. You and Greyson are often in my thoughts.

  5. All of this sucks, and putting it out here helps.

    Let loose as often as you need to, we are all here to listen. We understand, more than any the happy and carefree people who have never been through even a fraction of such pain can.


  6. I am so sorry Paige and I hate that this is happening to you. Years ago, my favorite aunt's husband died on Christmas Eve and it was so hard on her to lose him. And in a society where sometimes we have to fight for the space to mourn or discuss death, it was hard for anniversary of his death to fall during "the most wonderful time of the year." Your loss may be even harder because his death was sudden and it was on Christmas Eve. For weeks now you've been grieving and dealing with a barrage of Christmas music, commercials, and other pressures. It sucks and I hate it with you.

  7. Adding a big ((((hug))).

  8. I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what else to say. Many hugs to you.

  9. Can't imagine how awful all this is. Hate, cry, scream ... you have every right to feel the fury of ages and the loss of everything meaningful.

    I'm so sorry Paige. My love to you.

  10. You have every right to feel so much anger and hate. It's a particularly awful time of year to have lost your baby. I'm right in line with everyone else hating all these things for you. It IS ridiculously unfair. Can you have some of that 2 weeks off to spend some time by yourself to cry and mourn and maybe beat the shit out of some old appliance with a baseball bat?

  11. I'm hating that you have to go through this...hugs

  12. There is so much to hate Paige. I understand.