I was going to attempt going back to school today but there's been a snow storm and very cold temperatures. A snow day. Usually a reason to be happy. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm relieved to be forced to put off that first contact with my coworkers which I'm dreading. But I'm anxious and ready to get it over with. We have a phone tree and I had to talk to two people this morning concerning school being called off, the pity in their voices, even over the phone was nearly unbearable.
I've heard very little from any of my coworkers, people I thought I was so close with. People who just the day before had shared our ultrasound on the Smartboard and rejoiced with me. I did get many comments and messages on FB and flowers but it's not the same as human contact. I'm imagining that when I go back I'll be sort of a pariah.
On Thursday last week I did call Jae and was not able to hold it together very well. Talking to her was so hard because she was Sweet Pea's best "school auntie". I had never seen a nurturing side of her until I got pregnant. She gave me a granola bar everyday "for the baby" and she tried to look out for us. She swore Sweet Pea was a boy from the start and vowed to teach him about sports. She adored him from the start.
She said everyone was just shocked and asked her everyday if she'd heard anything from me. And she said my kids missed me.
I sent her this letter which she distributed to my coworkers for me:
I want you all to know that you’ve shared the happiest 20 weeks of my life. On Friday when I showed everyone our ultrasound DVD, I really felt your joy too. I thought that my baby was a little bit all of yours’ too. Thank you for being excited with me and caring so much for someone who was so important to me.
I know you may have been thinking of me and wondering what happened. On Saturday, I rushed to the hospital after a gush of fluid and blood. They told me my baby had very little amniotic fluid around him, the amniotic sac could not be repaired and the only thing I could do would be to lie on my back very still and hope the fluid would rebuild. It did not and my poor baby couldn’t survive without the fluid around him. I came home Sunday evening and had to start planning how to put my sweet Greyson into the ground. This has been a very hellish nightmare and it’s not over for me, nor can I imagine it will ever be over.
I’m planning on attempting to come back to school on Monday. I’m still very fragile but it will be good to be around “normal” (those of you who are…lol). I know I’m a not an easy person to be around right now and I understand that you may not know what to say when you see me and that is ok. If you would like to offer a few words of sympathy or a hug, I’ll be glad to accept them. If you aren’t able to approach me or speak to me of my loss, I understand and please don’t feel you must. I know you are all thinking of me, whether you say anything or not.
As we know, writing is my release and I just wanted everyone to know that whatever their reaction, it was ok. I've certainly felt that way about people before, not knowing what to say, etc. I wanted to make first contact. I imagine there will be a lot of deep pity, dumb things said and uncomfortable moments. I'm worried I won't be able to hold it together. I'm dreading it. As though this staggering sorrow isn't enough.