I was going to attempt going back to school today but there's been a snow storm and very cold temperatures. A snow day. Usually a reason to be happy. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm relieved to be forced to put off that first contact with my coworkers which I'm dreading. But I'm anxious and ready to get it over with. We have a phone tree and I had to talk to two people this morning concerning school being called off, the pity in their voices, even over the phone was nearly unbearable.
I've heard very little from any of my coworkers, people I thought I was so close with. People who just the day before had shared our ultrasound on the Smartboard and rejoiced with me. I did get many comments and messages on FB and flowers but it's not the same as human contact. I'm imagining that when I go back I'll be sort of a pariah.
On Thursday last week I did call Jae and was not able to hold it together very well. Talking to her was so hard because she was Sweet Pea's best "school auntie". I had never seen a nurturing side of her until I got pregnant. She gave me a granola bar everyday "for the baby" and she tried to look out for us. She swore Sweet Pea was a boy from the start and vowed to teach him about sports. She adored him from the start.
She said everyone was just shocked and asked her everyday if she'd heard anything from me. And she said my kids missed me.
I sent her this letter which she distributed to my coworkers for me:
H. Honeys,
I want you all to know that you’ve shared the happiest 20 weeks of my life. On Friday when I showed everyone our ultrasound DVD, I really felt your joy too. I thought that my baby was a little bit all of yours’ too. Thank you for being excited with me and caring so much for someone who was so important to me.
I know you may have been thinking of me and wondering what happened. On Saturday, I rushed to the hospital after a gush of fluid and blood. They told me my baby had very little amniotic fluid around him, the amniotic sac could not be repaired and the only thing I could do would be to lie on my back very still and hope the fluid would rebuild. It did not and my poor baby couldn’t survive without the fluid around him. I came home Sunday evening and had to start planning how to put my sweet Greyson into the ground. This has been a very hellish nightmare and it’s not over for me, nor can I imagine it will ever be over.
I’m planning on attempting to come back to school on Monday. I’m still very fragile but it will be good to be around “normal” (those of you who are…lol). I know I’m a not an easy person to be around right now and I understand that you may not know what to say when you see me and that is ok. If you would like to offer a few words of sympathy or a hug, I’ll be glad to accept them. If you aren’t able to approach me or speak to me of my loss, I understand and please don’t feel you must. I know you are all thinking of me, whether you say anything or not.
Love,
Paige
As we know, writing is my release and I just wanted everyone to know that whatever their reaction, it was ok. I've certainly felt that way about people before, not knowing what to say, etc. I wanted to make first contact. I imagine there will be a lot of deep pity, dumb things said and uncomfortable moments. I'm worried I won't be able to hold it together. I'm dreading it. As though this staggering sorrow isn't enough.
Paige - you are the most amazing teacher. What a perfect letter to your students. I admire you so much. Tuesday will be really hard. Know I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of love to help you get through it. - inB
ReplyDeleteI know I keep saying it but your strength amazes me. I am so proud of you.
ReplyDeleteYou are so very kind to consider you coworker's feelings at this time...your strength is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI think this note was a great idea. I think you'll be getting a lot more support with it because you've opened the door to contact and comfort. I think a lot of times people don't show more support because they don't know if you would want it or not. And now you've made it clear that if they're so inclined it would be appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI know that when I'm in a tough spot I sometimes resist comfort - I'm not very good at being vulnerable. No matter how you take it and if you let people in, be kind to yourself and try to let them carry you and love you while you may have trouble caring for yourself.
We love you, Paige, and we're never met. I can't help but feel that those who know you in person will anything but the deepest love and pain for you. They'll want so much to support you, as do we.
Great letter. Going back already is fine if that's what is right and works for you, but also don't be surprised if it's just too soon and you just aren't ready. I took my full maternity leave anyway, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to have to deal with co-workers, students, students' parents, etc. before then.
ReplyDeleteIt probably will be a difficult day but your coworkers will understand why.
ReplyDeleteI hope the day goes well whenever it happens. Hugs to you.
Paige, I can reiterate what everyone is saying about how strong you are and how very gracious you are being to your coworkers. I hope that it does shake them out of their shock (maybe) so that they can and will support you. Do what is right for you- return to work, don't return to work, whatever. Right now your only responsiblities involve taking care of yourself and grieving. I wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteI think it was great that you let people know ahead of time how to respond to you. I don't think many people know what to say about pregnancy loss, like it's this taboo subject, and I'm sure your thoughtfulness to send out that letter will make things easier and more peaceful for everyone - especially you. We are all sending you positive energy when you decide to return to work.
ReplyDeleteI dreaded my first day back at work after my miscarriage (actually, the day before my D&C), and it was bad, but not as bad as I anticipated, to see other people's faces and talk with them. Especially reminding myself that it wasn't really pity I was seeing, but sadness. Everyone is so sad with you, Paige.
ReplyDeleteI think your letter is a fantastic idea. It's so hard for some people to know what to say when someone has a loss, especially for those who have never had a loss before of any kind. And just like you to think about what others need during this difficult time, and reaching out to make it easier for them. I hope that it opens up more support for you in return. I'm sure that you haven't heard much personally from people because they don't want to bother you, and they don't know what to say.
(((hugs)))) I'll be thinking about you tomorrow!
Paige, as everyone has said before me, I'm very saddened by the loss of your sweet baby boy. I feel so bad for not checking in on here for a bit and now knowing what you have been going through during this time, I'm so sad.
ReplyDeleteI hope that tomorrow goes at least a little better than you expect and I will keep you in my thoughts and both of you in my prayers.
Great idea. Great idea. I hope you made it through ok. Breakdowns are expected.
ReplyDeleteI've experienced so much loss in my life and I've realized that people almost become socially inept during difficult times. They don't know what to say so they just don't say anything. I've come to learn that they are aware. They just don't know what to do. They feel awkward, helpless, and they fear doing or saying something that will make it so much worse. So they just don't do or say anything. Sigh. It's tough. Many hugs for you sweet Paige.
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