Monday, December 20, 2010

Pain and Laughter

Difficult day. A lot of pain. Random crying at random moments, some in public. I had to go places where the last time I was there, my son was alive inside me. I think I would have stayed home and cried all day if I could have.

I returned the funeral man's message, he just wanted me to know he was dropping the death certificate in the mail unless I needed it quickly, then I could come get it. Still hard to believe that there is a death certificate with my son's name on it. It just can't be.

I feel as though my world is gone. Just dropped out from under me.
I'm able to be distracted and can even laugh and smile but when the distraction is over, my world is still gone.


For weeks my dog, Clara, has been limping and even after I took her to the vet and got pain medication for her it seemed to get worse. She's very timid and her look of betrayal when I left her at the vet's for x-rays today was about more than I could handle. The x-rays showed that she has snapped a ligament in her knee. I have to take her to a specialist tomorrow who will probably want to do surgery. I can't stand that she's in pain and that I've let it go on for any amount of time. I wonder what she thinks is going on around here. Strangers showing up all the time, me making weird howling noises and no happiness in the house anymore.

Yas invaded me tonight. They brought dinner and themselves which is good for my soul. A lot of laughs. I haven't laughed hard like that (and meant it) since before. We were laughing a lot about what we saw here: Also, about a story my aunt, who was a visiting nurse at the time, tells about an elderly teacher who had lost her mind and could only say the words, "piece of paper". We're mostly teachers so we could all picture ourselves in this situation. With them here I could be normal, for a while anyway.

What can I say about these women? My friends. From that first day home from the hospital, they showed up and showed me how strong friendship can be. They kept showing up. They've stared down my pain and didn't look away even at the ugliest of times when it would have been easy to stay away and avoid seeing the broken woman I've become. Other than Mom, no one else has had the strength to hold me, be with me, listen to me cry and keep me from sliding over the edge. They remind me there is still life out there. They are strong for me when I can't be, breathe for me when I can't and get me to laugh even when I think I can't. If you're reading, girls, I love you all and I'll never forget that you showed up and didn't look away.


  1. It's when things are the darkest that you learn who your true friends are....or maybe to put it better, you learn what your true friends are made of, since some people who truly do love you will not be able to be there to support you now, just because they can't or don't know how.

    I'm so glad you have your Yayas.

  2. Oh, and I hope Clara is better, soon!

  3. I just wanted to comment that one of my dogs tore the anterior cruciate ligament in both of her knees, at separate times. The first was January/2001. Back then they did surgery that is called TPLO (Tibial Plateau Leveling Osteotomy). Just to prepare you in case this is the case, the surgery, here in So CA and performed by a specialty vet ran $3,000 for each knee. Here is a link for more info:

    I hope that there is a more reasonably priced procedure or that your pup has a different diagnosis or that costs have come down. I do want to say that after surgery and recovery from both knee surgeries, my dog was a new dog. Able to jump and run and enjoy life in a way she was unable to as her ligament was unknowingly tearing.

    Please report back and good luck to you both. (And, if it is the case and you want more info on recovery, I am happy to answer).

  4. I hope your puppy is able to getback into good health. She is needed on 100% duty!

    The tribute to your yas is beautiful and so well articulated, having the strength to not look away. That is exactly it. I am so happy that you have them. That is specialand not common.

  5. Oh, poor Clara...I hope she heals soon...

    It is so heartwarming to read about your Yas & your relationship with them. I am so glad you have that support system around you.

  6. Ya Ya Melissa over here crying while giving students looked up and asked me if I was ok...I just told them their grades were making me sad...(just kidding). I am a little teary eyed though. We love you and will never look away. Ya Ya Melissa

  7. Paige, I've been reading your posts, daily. I choke up, I cry and I wish I could give you a big hug. There are no words to make this feel better.

    Little man Greyson should be in your tummy - nothing else is right.

  8. I'm glad your friends have been there for you. I hope that Clara is ok and the memory box with Greyson's name on it is beautiful, as is the angel stamp.

  9. Oh Paige, sorry Clara isn't doing well. This is so hard to have more pain in your life. Glad the yayas are there for you, they are truly a treasure.

  10. I'm so glad your yayas are with you to support you through this shocking, difficult, and sad time. They are the true definition of friend.
    Big hugs to you and your little pal, Clara. I hope she has a speedy recovery.