Halloween in August

Really? How about giving those of us with a refined sugar addiction a break?

I've Hit Depression

This has crossed over into something different. What I'm feeling is no longer honest, love-filled, painful grief for my son who died inutero at 20 weeks. It's not me mourning my beautiful pregnancy. Well, it's not just those things anymore. Now, I've begun feeling sorry for myself. I can't express how low and dark this makes me feel. Hopeless. I guess I've hit the depression stage of grieving.

I've been on a two day binge of epic proportions. The food issue is so complex. I was free of it while I was pregnant and even afterward to some extent until now. I've been successful with my exercise mini challenge but what is the point when I'm eating vast amounts of junk? Or when I lay around the house for hours at a time staring at stupid TV that I can't even focus on?

Feeling sorry for myself and binging does not honor Greyson. It does not show my love for him at all. Getting pregnant with him was the one wonderful thing I've done, and somehow I managed to screw it up. Now I can't even honor him by grieving in a respectful, loving way like a mother should.

How ugly it feels to have such bad thoughts about myself.

I've got to find a way to pull myself up and focus on moving forward. I can't let myself slip so far down. Everything just seems so meaningless.

Where are those bootstraps?

Dollface was here to spend the night last night. I guess she'd been cooped up at home too long and just couldn't stand to stay home while Stretch went skating. We played dolls and it gave me a bittersweet, crazy feeling cuddling that doll close and dressing it.

Dollface went home at about 9 and I pried myself off out of the TV watching chair at about 3pm.

MC and MB you've sucked me in to your 365 Photo Challenge. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with it daily as you both are doing so wonderfully but it was fun today to walk around looking for creative shots. Guess it will be a challenge-ish for me. Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement.

Picture of the Day:

The truth is that I've been looking at this shrub that has sprouted a waterfall of icicles in front of my house and wanting to take a picture of it for days. I guess it's ok for my first try at being an artist.

I thought this one would be good with the juxtaposition of the icicles and branches

but it was too busy and cluttery feeling. I liked it to practice changing thecolors with though, lots of contrast.

Flashing Lights

I stepped on the scale 3 days ago, things aren't as bad as I feared. I'm the same weight I've been for the past 3 months or so. I guess I've had enough good days to balance the bad, nutritionally speaking. I'm thinking high blood pressure is creeping up on me. I woke up the day after my last post and briefly saw flashing white lights in my peripheral vision. I had this one time before during an extremely stressful time. And I don't know how to explain it, but I feel the blood rushing through my veins sometimes. I can feel it pounding in my ears or lips. It's weird. This flashing light thing has terrified me. I've exercised 2 of the last three days, and gone back to tracking food online. Only 3 days in but I feel immensely better already, physically and in frame of mind. As I've said before, gotta start somewhere. I'm praying that I can stick with it and the flashing lights stay away.

Mom, C and I had dinner with our dear cousin P tonight. A few years ago she stayed with me when she was having a rough time. Soon afterward she moved 5 hours north and I miss her. It was so good to visit with her.

Excuses/No Excuses

Summer school is going well. I didn't realize that I missed being in the classroom until I went back to teaching. The kids are so cute and sweet. They really work hard and try anything I put in front of them. I love being silly with them and making them giggle. It's a lower class number, only 10, so the stress is minimal from the kids. From the administration, however, that's another story.

Well, I'm not getting thinner so far this summer, only fatter. What are my excuses? It's a weird schedule. 7:30-12:30. I do bring a snack to eat while the kids eat theirs' but by the time I get home it's after 1:30 and I'm starved. The cafeteria does offer the teachers a free lunch to eat while supervising the kids but we all know what school lunches consist of. I once saw a cook put an entire stick of butter into a pot of veggies. And who wants to eat while supervising kids? So I end up eating a big lunch at a late time and then snacking all evening long. I really have no excuse for not exercising. Mondays and Wednesdays are my graduate class, truly no time on those days but I have no excuse for the other five days of the week. Today I did homework and then I just frittered away my time, reading and watching tv.

But really I have no excuse. Why can't I get it together?

I'll never be able to forgive myself if I'm not able to conceive as a result of being fat.

If that happens, I won't have any reason at all to try lose weight, I imagine I'll become one of those 700 pound people who can't leave their home.

Socially Graceful, I Ain't

Just home from a co-worker's wedding. I really am terribly shy and gatherings like this are difficult for me. I was dreading it and nearly talked myself into making an excuse and not going. But I went. It was ok at first even though I felt like the only single person there. I was able to make conversation and seem normal. I just feel so fat and awkward at these things. As the evening wore on I was more and more uncomfortable. Everyone always wants to take pictures ad nauseum and then there's the dancing. Ughh. I'm just not comfortable throwing my fat around like that. I finally cut out early. I don't think anyone really noticed or cared. I did not cry on the long, lonely drive home....but I wanted to.

How I wish I was one of those socially graceful, outgoing people who have fun where ever they are.....why do I have to be such an awkward, ugly, backward schlub?

One of my many wishes for my donor egg baby is that they are genetically outgoing and likable. Some one who is actually happy to go to large gatherings and talk and laugh with many people.

Aunt Fat

I'm disturbed by a few things I've heard DollFace say recently about me being fat. I've talked to her about how it hurts my feelings but she just can't seem to help herself. At one point she said her mom had yelled at Stretch about being fat and that her mom said Stretch could die, and that Stretch had cried. This is really upsetting to me. Stretch is not even close to being fat or even chubby, she's a beautiful child of normal weight. C. has admitted to me in the past that she talks to Stretch about her weight and tells her she doesn't want Stretch to end up with a "problem" like mine. I'm incredibly hurt by all of this. Keep in mind, C is about 30 pounds overweight herself and I have NEVER seen her attempt to do anything active with either of the girls.

I'm wondering if this is the root of the reason Stretch doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me lately. I'm huge, I get it, you don't want your kids to be like me, and God knows I wouldn't wish this kind of obesity on my worst enemy. But I don't think it's right to push these kind of body issues on a child or to create a stigma (unintentional?) around the unmarried, childless, obese aunt.

I saw my full length reflection in a mirror at the store today and what little self esteem I have was crushed. I really need to figure out my emotional eating problem and conquer it. I feel ugly and out of control.

Fourth day off birth control and no period. Probably why I feel so icky about the above issues. Why can't my body just do what it is supposed to do?

Response From My Body

Dear Paige,

Thank you for your letter. While I am happy to carry you through life, until the end of your life, I beg you to remember that the strength, health and healing that you enjoy now will not last forever. These "good times" will come to an end quickly if you do not begin to value me as well as take care of yourself emotionally and spiritually.

You should also realize that while you have done lots of "bad" things to me, you have also done many, many good things for me. Remember the bazillions of hours of walking and riding bikes you have done, the many healthy home-cooked, well balanced meals you've prepared for me? You take vitamins, try to stay hydrated, brush my teeth, keep me clean and you always get help for me when I'm feeling poorly. And even though you have lost the battle of making me healthier more times than I can remember, you never give up. These are not the actions of a person who hates their body.

I know that even during the darkest times, you are striving and sometimes struggling to achieve a better, happier, more active life for us. You are coming closer and closer to making that connection between physical, emotional, spiritual. It will be a lifelong challenge for you, but I know you are one of the special people who can become and remain successful. Remember that I am just a shell, YOU HAVE GREAT THINGS INSIDE YOU! Never forget that.

Love,
Your Body

PS Perhaps a letter to your heart is in order...she's feeling a little left out.

Dear Body

Dear Body,
I've been asked to write a letter to you as part of a Wellness Workshop that I am taking. I've been asked to be kind... That is not easy for me, Body, since as you know, it is difficult for me to even look at you much less find nice things to say. However, there are some things I like about you. I like that you are healthy and strong yet soft. You have carried me through 38 years in health, healing me when minor health issues arise. I like that when I apply myself I can feel you become leaner and stronger. I like your cute toes and little ears, rosy cheeks and blue eyes. I like the shape of your legs and I think you are the perfect height.

You are amazing in that you tolerate all the hate and abuse I pile upon you. Physically, mental, emotionally. I've given you a rough time, Body and for that I apologize. You have stuck with me, Body, through thick and thin and for that I love you.

Paige

Exciting First Post!

Hello World!
I’ve decided to join the blogosphere. Here’s where I am…
Fertility:
I’m a single gal wanting to become pregnant with donor sperm. Well, wanting is a strong word. What I really wanted was for my knight in shining armor to sweep…you get the picture. I’ve come to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen in time for the happy family scenario to manifest itself and I’ve decided to move forward with my dream of having a family without said prince.

I was able to use a live donor in the form of a friend for about 10 months, however, he became unreliable and really you can only ask a friend to do so much. I’ve moved on to the world of anonymous donor sperm and IUIs. About that time, I suddenly stopped ovulating! My doctor recommended femara plus an hcg injection. The injection happened today and tonight I’m already surging! IUI for 7:30 in the morning! Please send good thoughts our way if you’re reading this.

Obesity:
I currently weigh over 300 pounds. My doctor says that my age is more of a hinderance to becoming pregnant than my weight and he’s always been very kind about it. Last year I lost 60 pounds and then gained about 30 back. I am struggling to figure this out so that I can be healthy for myself and my child.

Work:
I work as a reading interventionist teaching at-risk children. I love it. After 13 years in the classroom teaching Kindergarten and then 2nd grade, I was getting a little burned out. The change to becoming a reading specialist is exactly what I needed and now I can’t wait to go to work...most days.

Family:
I was raised on a farm and I guess it’s pretty unusual that I still live right down the road from our family farm in what was once my beloved grandparents home. My parents, brother and cousins live in the surrounding homes scattered across our farm. I call it The Compound. My mom can see my house across our pasture and believe me that is a blessing as well as a curse. But all in all I’m surrounded with love and a wonderful support system.

Friends:
I have a core group of close friends. We call ourselves the yayas and are each in our own right, intelligent, vibrant, colorful, funny and strong. Thank God, because without them I’d be coocoo for Coco Puffs. For sure.

Guess that’s about it for this exciting first post. How’d I do?