15 and 4.9

My lovely donor has 15 follicles on her initial antral follicle count, yes, she does!

And an FSH of 4.9. That's right!

From what I understand these are good numbers and she should respond well to ovarian stimulation. Dr. AA has given her a medication protocol and Connie will be working on our calendar soon.

One little step closer.

Happy St. Pat's!!!

Happy Birthday, DollFace

DollFace's 5th birthday! When I started talking to her about her birthday a few days ago she said, "Birthday? Is that something with presents?" She couldn't think of anything she wanted for a gift but made sure we all knew she wanted a pink and red cake, pink and red balloons and pink and red presents. And so a pink and red birthday it was! I was so pleased to be able to get her a book called "Pinkalicious" along with a few things for helping with gardening this spring. Her daddy made her a red velvet cake with pink icing and after presents we all played a Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament. A grand time was had by all.

I can't wait to see what DollFace's 5th year brings her. So much to be learned in this year. How to tie shoes, ride bikes, whistle, blow bubble gum bubbles, and of course, off to kindergarten in the fall. The baby of our family is growing up.

Connie from the clinic did contact me today and tell me that she would get the donor's test results to me by Wednesday or Thursday and that she would be working on May calendars next week and would call me in for a meeting after that. Also, that I would start taking the more serious medication on April 22. Seems really far away but just knowing that date is a comfort to me. I have a time frame to think about and can relax until that date is closer.

Jill, I wanted to thank you for being my cycling mentor. I've learned so much through your advice. And thank you everyone for always being encouraging, I'm grateful to have this safe place to be negative, nervous, happy, sad or anything else I need to be.

Communication

I'm really starting to wonder about this clinic. Last Monday I was handed off by Sharon and was told Connie would be in touch soon. After hearing nothing for almost a week, I emailed all three of the ladies I've been in contact with at the clinic just to remind them I was out there and with some questions. I got a response later in the day but clearly there was a breakdown in communication somewhere. Either Sharon didn't tell Connie about me or Connie forgot me. Connie's response told me all about my lovely donor but nothing about MY schedule or medication.

My lovely donor is on day 5 of her cycle and had blood work today. She will be having an antral follicle count ultrasound tomorrow. Oh yes, she will! I can't wait to hear the results. I couldn't be happy about my own results but I'm looking forward to rejoicing about hers (ours?). She's 24, already has a child and is healthy. She is going to have great results. I can FEEL it!

I feel such a strange but strong kinship to this young lady who I really know so little but so much about. I really want her to remain anonymous for now but I keep toying with the idea of writing her a letter and maybe sending her a gift. But what do I say to an amazing woman who is giving the most amazing gift I'll ever recieve? Not sure if things like that are even permitted by my agency. I definitely don't want to have too much contact as I'm sure I would become a nuisance to her, asking if she took her medication and ate her veggies. I would like to thank her somehow though.

Thinking Positive

My last few posts have sounded almost like I'm expecting a negative outcome. I'm protecting my heart, I guess. There are so many unknowns in this whole process but I have NO reason at all to expect that my dream won't come true. In fact, I have a few reasons to expect that I WILL have a positive outcome.

• I'm healthy
• My dr told me my lining was "perfect"
• I have a young, healthy donor
• My clinic has a very good success rate

Hmmm I thought I'd have a much longer list of reasons to expect a positive outcome...

No matter, I'm going to try to stash away the negative and focus on the positive.

I will get pregnant.

I will get pregnant.

I will get pregnant.

Shazaam

Surprise!
CD 1

5 days early


Shazaam! Everything seems closer now

And to be taking these










The ultimate irony AND a blast from the past. The last time I was on birth control it was the monthly shot. I bet I haven't swallowed a birth control pill for 15 years.

The clinic is driving me a little nuts. I was told to contact Mary when I got my period. Mary handed me off to Sharon. I get an email from Sharon telling me she wasn't sure from the doctor's last notes, was I interested in IUI, with injectables? UMMMM...IS THAT AN OPTION? Have I had a broken heart all these weeks over some sort of miscommunication or misunderstanding?

I wrote her back explaining exactly what my understanding of the diagnosis was and what I thought I was heading toward. She responded that I was exactly right, she just didn't know that I'd made a deposit on a May cycle. Then she called in the birth control prescription and handed me off to yet a third person who will be my coordinator. Sheesh!

I'm so glad to be DOING something.

Confucius Say

I had dinner with my lovely yayas last night. It was sooooo good to have a night of girly giggling and catching up. My fortune cookie said:







"An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly."





Well, I think we all know what I'm translating that to mean. Just replace "alien" with "baby".

I did not tell the girls that I had a cycle on the calendar. They know all the details of what has happened so far and when I was sliding toward the edge they helped snatch me back. My family knows I have a donor and a cycle on the calendar but they don't know exactly when. Perhaps it is foolish of me to keep this secret. I know, I need my support system, I KNOW. They will be the ones right there to pick up the pieces if things don't go my way and perhaps it is unfair to keep it from them but....

I have this dream of becoming pregnant, surprising everyone with a big announcement and becoming enveloped their surprise and joy. I just can't let that go. I've given up hoping for every normal thing, husband, marriage, getting pregnant by conventional means, getting pregnant by high tech means with my own DNA. I've let go of so many damn dreams. Is it too much to ask that I'm able experience the joy of telling my loved ones about my miracle should I be lucky enough to experience one?

I try to convince myself that I'm sparing them some disappointment if my baby isn't able to find me.

I did tell B. today. B. is a friend that I met through an online weight loss forum. I haven't known her very long but I feel very close to her and she is always very open minded and a great support. She doesn't know any of my other friends so I know my secrets are safe with her. She said I'm far too independent and I should allow my friends and family to support me throughout the journey instead of keeping secrets and shocking them all when I'm desperate for TLC. She's probably right, but for now I'll hold my own council. Perhaps when it the actual event doesn't seem so far off...

No News Just Life

In school news, our principal gathered us for one of her famous 5 minute meetings which usually last an average of 40. Apparently there have been several incidents of stealing going on the past few weeks. Part of the money the children had brought in to donate to the Red Cross for Haiti was stolen. I am incredibly saddened by this. I work in an area of poverty. This means that someone took money that poor children had donated to other poor children who were in desperate need. Sometimes, working in the ghetto sucks.

In weight loss news, I got on the scale this morning...glaghhhhhh! It was my first day back to tracking my nutritional intake. I ate too much junk but kept track of the portions instead of throwing crap down the gullet without even thinking. I've set a goal of losing 20 pounds by the date of the transfer. I'm estimating about 10 weeks (CANNOT believe I have to wait so long, it seems SO far away) so it's a realistic goal. I'm planning on going shopping and cooking this weekend so I'll have no excuse. It feels good to be trying again.

In donor news, well there is none except that I keep thinking of my "tenacious" young lady out there somewhere....growing my eggs for me. I keep sending her subliminal messages from afar....drive carefully and scrape those windows, please stay hydrated, please be responsible with the medication, hope you take vitamins and on and on. I wonder if she ever thinks about me? She's my hero, doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Lately DollFace has been fascinated with looking up animals on youtube. We'll be playing our animal guessing game in the car and when we get home she'll ask to see that animal "on the movies". We were looking up baby rabbits when we stumbled upon this cute one about a rabbit being taken care of by a mother cat. I guess sometimes even Mother Nature doesn't care about DNA.

And for some reason the ever present thought is very strong tonight:

What if it never happens for me?

It's Official

Finally heard back. I'm officially signed up for the May cycle! Yay!!!! I'm so excited to be moving forward.

Now I'm off to write some big, fat checks and settle in for a looooong wait!

May seems a long time away.

Waiting for Official Word

Early this morning I sent an email to both the donor agency and to the clinic explaining that I was ready to officially book a donor and sign up for a cycle and send payment off. In the past both parties were very good at returning my emails right away, sometimes within minutes!

It is now past 3:00 and I haven't heard from either of them.

Grrrr....what is up with that?????

News Flash: Donor Decision Made

BIG NEWS! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

I've picked a donor and I'm going to book the April cycle! I am very excited to have some ginormous decisions made and be moving forward. I have come full circle by choosing a donor I had first considered weeks ago. My donor is a smart, healthy and funny young lady who has big dreams and she looks enough like me that I think she won't stick out in an obvious way. She is the "stubborn" one I mentioned earlier. I am very grateful and humbled to be able to invite these genes into my family.

There are two things I'm worried about. Of course, what would a single step of this journey be without at least a little worry? This donor has A negative blood, I'm O positive. Every article I've read says it really doesn't matter but mostly those are about fetuses with differing blood types not about a body accepting and implanting an opposite blood typed embryo. Seems like my body would be more likely to reject a seed that doesn't have similar blood type. The second thing is that is that she is young. 24 I'm worried that she won't be responsible with medication or will back out. I feel that even considering the daunting and miraculous undertaking of becoming a donor indicates maturity but she's very young. I should look for the best I know....but I can't help but worry a little.

When Dr. 2's nurse told me that they are affiliated with a religious hospital and he doesn't work with single patients, I sort of went through a few minutes of grief and anger. All the emotions of being told I couldn't conceive my own genetic children came rushing back and the unfairness of this whole long, grueling journey. I asked the nurse if they could recommend anyone else who would work with me on a second opinion. Well, the first name out of her mouth was someone who Dr. Hottie had steered me away from, too cutting edge and out for the fame, does some stuff that may be very risky, he said. I made an appointment with the second name she gave me but it isn't for months.

And so my decision to go ahead was made. I cannot wait the months and months for the second opinion. I simply can't. The time is now. I want to start my family. My womb has been empty far too long and is craving fullness. My heart is crying out for a child to love. I was made to be a mother and I can't wait any longer.

If I had any lingering little doubt about using donor DNA, it was quashed by this article. So much of it resonated with me, except the husband part of course. lol

Especially the last paragraph:

"When a friend said to me recently, "I'm sure your boys will be tall, like you are!" I nodded before remembering, and reminding her, that genetically, my children aren't related to me. I had to laugh. When you're busy playing hide-and-seek and reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and scraping peas off the floor, the last thing you think about is your babies' DNA."

I'm going to have a wonderful, amazing, unbelievable family. It doesn't really matter how we came to be together.

In other news, as I was driving to work on Friday a silly teenager with frosted over windows did not see me and t-boned right into the side of my car. Thank God, we were both going pretty slow, I was able to avoid ramming into a third car and no one was hurt. My car was hurt though. Smashed in front quarter panel and it looked like the wheel was bent in. She was insured and I've got a nice rental. Mostly it's a huge hassle.

In other, other news. I went to a friend's 50th birthday party last night. Some of my retired friends were there and they were all swapping stories about hot flashes. And THEN, one of them turned to me and said "You're still in your 40's, aren't you? You don't have to worry about this stuff for a while." Ummmm I'M ONLY 38! Do you hear me? 38! I used to be told that I looked younger than my age and I never really worried about getting older. Now that I'm facing "advanced maternal age", I think about it a lot. Thank you, Infertility.

In still other news, C. has a screw up little sister, A. I hate to say that about her but she really is messed up. She does drugs, steals (she once stole C.'s wedding ring) and cannot hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Anyway, apparently A. has this bartender friend who just found out she is pregnant. She's 22 and already has a 3 year old she's struggling to take care of. Previously, C. had told some of my story to A, trying to put feelers out for anyone A. might know who would want to be an egg donor. Can you see where this is going?

Well I guess when this friend was hysterical and crying on A.'s shoulder for hours about how is she going to take care of this new baby, she's barely making it already etc. A. mentioned me and kind of talked me up as a potential adoptive mom. I'm genuinely surprised and touched that A. thought of me. Apparently, this girl was only able to calm down after hearing about me.

Now, my instinct is that this is not going to happen. This girl somehow made it work when she was 19 and having a baby, she'll realize she can somehow make it now too. She's just panicking right now.

I would have some serious thinking to do too. You hear those stories about birth mothers taking the children away from the adoptive mothers. I know I would have to do some major research and seriously button up everything legally. Thankfully, S.'s dad is a judge and I know he would help me. I don't think I could survive the broken heart if she changed her mind and took the little one back.

She told A. she would only be interested in open adoption and I'm not sure how much drama that could be inviting into a child's life. Not to mention mega abandonment issues for the baby considering she kept the first child. Also, she's a bartender and A.'s friend. What has she been drinking and doing while she's pregnant? She doesn't know who the father is, it could be one of a series of men.

Ohhhh, the unfairness of it all!!!!! It doesn't seem right that this gal gets pregnant so easily and here I am wanting it with every breath of my being, working at it full time and I can't. In the stoic words of my father, "That is not something we can control".

The Most February of Days

I worked ISAT Saturday this morning. I was dreading it but the children were very good and it went by very fast. Not many kids showed up so we were able to work with small groups which is always more effective.

I had a discontented and bingy afternoon. Yep, I'll cop to a full fledged, planned binge. I've been teetering all week and today tipped. Feeling physically sick and emotionally disappointed in myself. I couldn't settle all afternoon. I was sad but couldn't work up any tears. I tried to watch TV but couldn't focus. Tried to take a nap but couldn't drift off. I thought about all the things I could be doing, but just couldn't seem to get started on anything. It was the most February feeling of all the February days so far.

I'm aiming to be more productive tomorrow if nothing else. Here's what I'd like to get done:

-paperwork for Dr. 2 - this is a MUST
-tidy back room and sort stuff for donation
-clean kitchen
-enter CPDUs into state website
-exercise
-bake for Yummy Monday

If I get 5 of these 6 done I'll be content.

Here is an email my mom sent me today in response to one I'd sent her about the new Princess Egg.

"It's all a crap shoot anyway. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Remember me telling you of a friend of Dad's? Had 5 girls & everyone of them had different coloring. How tall is this gal? Is this the second choice one?"

I had to be amused because she wrote almost word for word what we had talked about a few weeks ago when egg donation first came up and what I wrote in yesterday's post.

Red Haired Princess Egg

I'm in love with a new egg donor. She has curly, red hair, freckles and has delicate features. Like a tiny Irish fairy princess.

I don't know much about her. When the Donor Egg Lady emailed to tell me my first choice was taken, she also sent some pics of new donors. So new their info isn't even available yet. So I only know what I can tell from the pic. Which, of course, is not very much. I have to say I loved the Princess' looks at first sight.

My mother is fond of saying that her family is 1% Irish. Mostly we're German. Sturdy, stocky, ruddy complexions. Just what you'd imagine. And mostly we all look like each other. Would it be doing a child from this donor's genetic background a disservice to invite it into our family? Would the child stick out in an obvious and perhaps painful or embarrassing way? Would I feel like a huge galoot next to them? Isn't it enough of a challenge for him or her to be conceived in such a completely unconventional way?

Except for the red hair and blue eyes, this young lady looks nothing like me. I should probably add that my hair is "red". You can read that "really dishwater blond but has had a red dye job for years" Or "red head wannabe". My mother says that I really was a red headed baby. And also that when if comes to babies it really doesnt' matter because it's like Forest Gump's chocolate box. You never know what you're going to get even if you are genetically related. And then she tells a story about a family she knew when she was growing up. There were 5 daughters in the family and they all had different hair colors and skin tones. And then there's the sperm donor to consider.

My original second choice is lovely too. As I've said before, I know I really can't go wrong. Except....my second choices profile says that she's stubborn. She mentions it three times mostly in relation to her childhood. Is stubbornness a nurture thing or a nature thing?

Money, Tests, Choices, NOT Binging

Phone conference with Money Lady:
On the phone she said I was well insured and it seemed like the total for everything would be much lower than I had thought. Yay!

Then...
She called back and said there was a mistake on the insurance provider's end and that anything for the donor wouldn't be covered.

I'm struck by the unfairness of having to pay, pay, pay for what most people get for free. Why can't I be in the "most people" category. I'm happy to pay if it means I can build a family but sheesh!

Blood Test Results:

FSH 15
LH 6
Testosterone 67 The normal range is 20-76. So I was in range but seems kinda high?
and many, many others.

Not sure what it means but I do know that I was not really able to find any success stories about women having success if their FSH was over 12 or so. I'm frightened of damaged eggs and damaged babies. Not sure I could survive that.

Choosing a Donor:

The donor agency can't seem to get in touch with my first choice. I have to make a decision and get some money in to both the agency and clinic by next Friday if I want to book the April cycle. Would I regret not waiting and just going for my second choice? Also, by waiting I would have time to go to my second opinion appointment and digest what he had to tell me. So very difficult to have patience. I want to get moving and become pregnant. This waiting can drive a person crazy.

School:

Today was the second of two days of professional development. My back is aching from sitting all day long. And tomorrow will be more sitting for our usual Friday meetings. The PD provider is a marathon runner. She has such a lean little body. I can't help but wonder what it must feel to look like that.

Binging:

I've been craving sugar like crazy all day long! I could so easily go into a binge here. So easily. I did have some sugar today. A few pieces of candy at the meeting, a couple small cookies at lunch and a cupcake with DollFace, but it was not mindless eating. I am trying very hard to will myself away from binging. Tomorrow is our Soul Food Luncheon in honor of Black History Month. God give me strength because I know that will be some good grub.

Brass Tacks

Well, it's getting down to the brass tacks. I'm trying to finalize a decision on a donor and I have a phone conference with the money person at the clinic. Getting ready to write some very hefty checks. Doing that is making it "real". It is also giving me ummm cold feet. Just a mild case, mind you. I keep weighing the risks. If this doesn't work, it could break me. Emotionally, mentally, financially..,.every possible way. Is it worth the risk? 100% YES! I have little nagging doubts every day but if nothing comes of this I want to know for certain that I did everything possible to achieve my little bit of something wonderful.

Choosing a donor is very daunting. Funny because although I spent plenty of time looking at sperm donor profiles, I did not fret or feel near as much uncertainty as I have with the egg donor. I have spent many hours studying the few profiles available to me, looking for just the right one. All the women are beautiful and the fact that they are donors makes them beautiful on the inside as well. I would love for my child to have that kind of giving spirit. I keep telling myself that I really can't go wrong.



In Olympic news:

I believe this is the hottest thing on skates!

I cannot wait to see Evan Lysacek beat the Russian tomorrow night in figure skating!

GO USA! GO USA! GO USA!

Phone Consult...Finally

The Dr. said he would call around noon today. At 12:50 I was in the midst of firing off an email to him when the phone rang. Thank God! He apologized very profusely and really did sound like he had laryngitis. He said all my blood tests looked good and I could go forward with donor eggs if I wanted. Whew! He answered all my questions and was very kind. I should look for the clinical manager to get in touch with me about medications and it looks like April will be THE cycle. I've got an email in to the donor egg agency and will be getting the ball rolling with them.

I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.

Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.

I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?

I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.

Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.

It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.

Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.

Lots of Conjecture Goin' On

My mom wanted to know if she should go with me to the follow up appt tomorrow with Dr. Hottie. She talks as though it's a given that I'm going ahead with using donor eggs to get pregnant. Weird and awkward talking to her about it but I'm so glad she's taken an interest. I realize I, myself have way over shot planning the future since I don't know what Dr. AA will recommend. I'm praying that Dr. H. was able to talk to Dr. AA.

I keep thinking that the double donor situation is like engineering your own kid. I think back to physics class or was it chemistry? Studying genetics. This recessive gene and that dominate trait... Something about that doesn't seem quite right. Normally people don't get to chose the parents of their children. I guess they do....I would chose myself if I could. The calling to be a mother is so very strong and persistent in me. God gave me the heart to feel that and the brain to figure it out and he gave someone the ability to help me make it happen, I hope. I can't believe that I was put on Earth not to be a mother. I've never felt so passionate about anything before. I didn't know how passionate until I was told it may not happen.

C. called and wants to have dinner sometime this week. I keep having a mini-fantasy that she wants to offer me her eggs. I think about how I would react and what I would do. She's my sister-in-law after all. I keep wondering if she would be able to freely give the eggs and not look at the child as partially hers or have a say in my parenting. We do not always see eye to eye about what is best for children. Would I be able to voice my opinion about "my" child? Would she want it to see her family who I do not always approve of? Should I plan to get her a Mother's Day gift? C. has a big heart and if she can make something right, she usually tries to do it. Would I be able to accept such a wondrous gift?

Silly conjecture, of course. She probably just wants time away from the family or to try the new pizza place. I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts are conjecture...what if scenarios. What happened to the real world?

Poor DollFace slept for an hour when I picked her up and then woke up crying because her ear hurt. She tried to be brave and help me with a few things but I could tell she was not feeling tip top. Stretch is getting braces tomorrow and she's excited. E. and I do not understand this having both been victims of braces in the 80's. Guess they're "cool" now.

Thank you everyone for the info in the comments. I'm struggling not to feel alone. Knowing you're all out there helps.

Ponderings and Exercise

I registered for the donor egg website so I must be considering this fairly seriously. You cannot look at the profiles without registering. One on hand, how many obstacles will it take to convince me that maybe this is not supposed to happen. On the other hand, I've never been so passionate about anything in my life. Anything. Also, I can't seem to stop. When my ex who became my known donor pooped out on me, the decision was made very quickly to switch to donor sperm. There was no hesitation and I picked a donor very quickly and felt confident it was the right choice. Donor egg is a different story. Is it really that different from adopting?

I told J. at work. She was very kind. Now someone at work will have my back if I fall apart or have random absences for infertility appointments. I hope she holds my secret. I know she will but she is human and this is BIG. Her sister-in-law is currently using a donor egg due to cancer. A few weeks ago, before I found out about my dried up eggs, she said something about this. I remember I was like a laser beam shooting questions at her. Finally, she was like "Dude, I really don't know that much about the situation". (Yes, she really uses the word Dude all the time.) Some sort of foreshadow of things to come? She said today that she'd try to find out some info for me.

I went to the gym tonight and worked out for the first time in a few weeks. I really pushed myself and even when my hips started hurting I didn't want to stop. Level 13 on the bike, I've never gone that high before. I think I could feel the tension and toxins leaving my body. I have a very weird visualization I do when on the bike. I picture the stress and tension leaving my body through my toes. In my head it usually looks like flecks or chunks of black ash that stream out of my big toes as my feet fly around and around. I don't know how I came up with this strategy and I know it's a little nuts but it works for me. Today the tension leaving my toes looked like thick black green sludge about the consistency of molasses. I must keep doing things that are good for me.

Enter....Donor Egg?

Today I'm feeling so much better. Last night, I started thinking about donor eggs, donor embryos and reading about them online. As the thought that I could still pull this off entered my mind, it was the only time in the past week I've felt anything like hope or interest in anything. I KNOW I'm being overly dramatic, I KNOW. But it's how I feel. Also, I think the drugs left my body. Combination of sleeping pill and antidepressant. I don't think it was good for me. Not sure, keeping them both and considering further use. I feel so much better today, but I'm afraid it might be temporary. Quite a few tough things to go through still.

I emailed my mom and asked her if she thought I should consider donor eggs. She responded:
"I can't help but think of when we were trying to get Joy bred. If you remember, she totally refused the male, even got vicious. After several tries, she was examined & found to have constrictions & had to be spayed. Phil said Mother Nature was trying to tell us something. When there's that much trouble conceiving, the pregnancy &/or delivery would have been very difficult, even life-threatening. I"m not saying I don't agree with it. I am saying it needs to be thoroughly investigated before making a decision. As much pain as you're in now, it could be worse. But, it wouldn't hurt to do the investigating & ask both drs. questions & more questions. I also think you need some time to heal from this. I have faith that you will do what needs to be done to make the right decision for you. If you're at all concerned about a child conceived in this way being accepted and loved by us, you really don't need to be at all concerned about that, you know that, right? Be assured we love you so much & it's so hard seeing you hurt like this. We'll do everything we can to help you through this, just let us know how. Please realize you have our total support in whatever decision you make. Does this help?"

I have a great mom.

The appointment with the 2nd opinion is not until March 12. Seems so far away. I've never gotten a second opinion on anything and I'm nervous about it. If #2 has the same finding as Dr. A.A. I'll want to return to Dr. A.A. for further treatment, if any. But he'll know I got that second opinion and will he treat me differently for not trusting him. It's not that I don't trust him, but this is big time shit with my life! Should I email him and explain all this? Or grow up and realize this kind of thing happens all the time.

As usual, my local hospital's right hand doesn't know what it's left hand is doing. They wanted me to call for a health history and to give me instructions. When I called back, I got transferred FIVE times and disconnected TWO times. Finally, I left a message and will try again tomorrow. grrr

School.
For the first time since I became a reading teacher one and a half years ago, I felt impatient with my students this afternoon. Thank you, Infertility. One of the reasons I took the opportunity to leave the classroom was that the stress made me impatient and annoyed with the kids. I have absolutely loved being a reading teacher, teaching in small groups took all the stress away and left only the joy. Granted, it seemed to be a wild day for the whole school. Too much indoor recess and teachers stressed over testing. The morning was good though. Good to be busy and purposeful. Good to have my thoughts on something else besides the dried up raisins that are my eggs. Look...I made a little joke....I must be feeling more myself.