Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Lots of Conjecture Goin' On

My mom wanted to know if she should go with me to the follow up appt tomorrow with Dr. Hottie. She talks as though it's a given that I'm going ahead with using donor eggs to get pregnant. Weird and awkward talking to her about it but I'm so glad she's taken an interest. I realize I, myself have way over shot planning the future since I don't know what Dr. AA will recommend. I'm praying that Dr. H. was able to talk to Dr. AA.

I keep thinking that the double donor situation is like engineering your own kid. I think back to physics class or was it chemistry? Studying genetics. This recessive gene and that dominate trait... Something about that doesn't seem quite right. Normally people don't get to chose the parents of their children. I guess they do....I would chose myself if I could. The calling to be a mother is so very strong and persistent in me. God gave me the heart to feel that and the brain to figure it out and he gave someone the ability to help me make it happen, I hope. I can't believe that I was put on Earth not to be a mother. I've never felt so passionate about anything before. I didn't know how passionate until I was told it may not happen.

C. called and wants to have dinner sometime this week. I keep having a mini-fantasy that she wants to offer me her eggs. I think about how I would react and what I would do. She's my sister-in-law after all. I keep wondering if she would be able to freely give the eggs and not look at the child as partially hers or have a say in my parenting. We do not always see eye to eye about what is best for children. Would I be able to voice my opinion about "my" child? Would she want it to see her family who I do not always approve of? Should I plan to get her a Mother's Day gift? C. has a big heart and if she can make something right, she usually tries to do it. Would I be able to accept such a wondrous gift?

Silly conjecture, of course. She probably just wants time away from the family or to try the new pizza place. I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts are conjecture...what if scenarios. What happened to the real world?

Poor DollFace slept for an hour when I picked her up and then woke up crying because her ear hurt. She tried to be brave and help me with a few things but I could tell she was not feeling tip top. Stretch is getting braces tomorrow and she's excited. E. and I do not understand this having both been victims of braces in the 80's. Guess they're "cool" now.

Thank you everyone for the info in the comments. I'm struggling not to feel alone. Knowing you're all out there helps.

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