I Am Who I Wish To Become

Last Wellness Workshop tonight. I wish I had been in more of a place emotionally to fully participate and get the most out of it. Dumb Infertility. Tonight we had to write a mission statement and mini-goals to help us get there. I had a huge ah ha moment while writing mine. Part of my mission statement is to be more encouraging and gentle with myself. AS I AM WITH MY STUDENTS. I AM this person. I AM gentle and encouraging everyday, all day, hundreds of times a day. I need to find a way to turn this inward. I'm always so harsh and critical of myself. On the way home I was practicing some of my catch phrases I use with the students only putting my own name with them. It felt good. It felt like my authentic self. I know it will take more than catch phrases to truly feel unconditional love for myself. I feel like it's a good starting point though.

Five weeks was not enough to really delve into the issues of my weight. This same counselor offers an ongoing spiritual workshop and I'm thinking of going. Who am I kidding? I'll go if B. goes. I'm not brave enough to go it alone for something like this.

It's funny but since I got the news of my old, shriveled eggs, food has really and truly taken a backseat. I didn't turn to food perhaps because this news was so overwhelming. The first few days especially, food was really and truly fuel and that's all. Everything tasted like sawdust and I had to force myself to eat at times. I haven't even thought about or felt the need to binge. It's kind of disconcerting. I'm scared that binging is just around the corner waiting to pull me back into the safe, comforting world of food. I keep thinking if I can get through the hardest thing in my life without binging to comfort or distract me, I can get through anything without it. If anything good at all has come out of this whole infertility mess, please let it be unlocking the chains that tie my emotions to food.