Monday, February 8, 2010

The Binge Is Back

Tomorrow would have been one month without a binge. Mostly due to circumstances but whatever, I'll take it any way I can get it. It happened at lunch today. It would have been ok if I had just been able to stick to the food I brought from home but there was a big bag of chips someone was sharing. Then, there was the extra ranch dressing packet in the condiment basket and more chips. And not one but two brownies that someone had brought in. I couldn't just stop with one handful of chips. Sensible Me was in the back of my head telling me to stop but Rebellious Me just kept shoving it in. Thankfully this was in public so it only went so far. I'm very angry with myself but know that I'm human and hopeful that mindful eating will continue. It was really a minor hiccup as far as binges go but it was mindless eating to cover emotions so it was a binge. I really want to be aware so that I don't backslide and gain back the 40 pounds I've lost.

I'm thinking that the possible changes with my job for next year is the root combined with the overall elevated stress at school due to RIF letters going out and of course egg donor stuff is on my mind all the time. The book I'm reading advises writing "I feel ___ because ____" statements when dealing with emotions. I should have done it before the binge but here goes anyway:

I feel angry because the district keeps jerking me around about my position each year.
I feel used because my principal talks me into something in such a way that I cannot turn her down.
I feel sad for the young people who are getting cut.
I feel ungrateful because I'm complaining. I know I'm lucky to be employed.
I feel frustrated because there seems to be nothing I can do.
I feel insecure and apprehensive because I don't know much about the position I'll be taking next year.
I feel low confidence because for some reason I suspect that the reason I'm getting put into a crap job is perhaps they believe I'm not good at my current job although my principal and everyone else says otherwise.
I feel like a loser because I gave in to binging.
I feel extremely worried because I've been having mild but sharp cramps and the imagination is on overdrive wondering about infection or scartissue forming due to recent procedure.
I feel regretful that I cannot have a happy, light, fun blog but have to write about this shit.

Wow, there are a lot of ugly feelings going on. I do feel like I gained equilibrium back after lunch. I was able to go to the grocery store and not buy even one thing that was bad for me, I went to the gym and I planned my supper thoughtfully.

There is 5 inches of snow predicted for the Midwest tonight so if there's a snow day tomorrow, I'll have to work hard to keep my body active and my mind off my worries.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Paige! Welcome to the single-and-trying-to-conceive land. I wish you the best. It's a tough road but if it's your wish, what other choice do you (we) have? Anyway, I haven't had a chance to read up on you but at 38, I definitely think your eggs are still in the running (again, I haven't read up - maybe you've addressed this).

    I had two polyps removed a couple of months ago and had some pain afterwards and have the fears you have - did I get an infection? Did I get scar tissue? Sheesh! Like this isn't hard enough!

    Okay hun, good night for now - I'm going to try to remember to put you on my blog roll so I can check up on ya!