Second Negative

Beta #2 negative, of course.
What a total fool I was to think there was such happiness for me.

I laid around last week worried about what I'd do if they all stayed...it never occurred to me once that none of them would stay. How could I let myself be that certain?

What an idiot to be so damn confident that this was finally time for my family.
Life never works that way for me. I'm not meant for dreams. I have no idea what made me think I even had a chance.

I'm angry at myself for believing it could really happen...that it did happen.
Naive and stupid.
I'll never let the universe trick me like that again.
I'll be bitter and jaded for the rest of my life.

My poor embies....
There's no softness in my thoughts anywhere.
I won't be comforted.



My only baby...in denial that she's at the veterinarian's office...only if you look closely in her eyes do you see the anxiety.

Where the vet's assistant was about 11 months pregnant.
Are you done with me, Universe? Had enough laughs yet?
I'm awfully tired of being kicked around.

Beta Test #1

No news, just photos:

TTW Craziness

Symptom Watch 2011:
~ Weird, mild cramps this morning.
~ Farting up a storm (Shut up, it's a symptom!)
~ A few panicky moments today when my "enjoy pregnancy whatever may come" attitude
failed me and I just knew my babies weren't with me. I thought I suddenly couldn't
feel their energy and I thought it meant they, or some of them or one of them had left.

A little batty you may think? Me too but unavoidable.

Still a way different experience from my first crazy train post transfer wait. What non-stop mental hand wringing I did. What an emotionally tormented wreck I was.

First beta is tomorrow and my clinic doesn't give you those results unless you request them sighting that it's the difference between the first and second beta that is the true positive.

Although I'm, for the most part, enjoying this PUPO time, I'm just not sure I'll be able to hold out till the second beta...

An early breakfast out at a local diner with Mom and Dad, then to church where I sat with my cousin, KR and her son. I've only been to this church a few times but we've never crossed paths.

An old railroad overpass was the subject for my camera this afternoon:



In my very young and dumb youth, I used to think that a boy writing your name on this bridge would be the height of romance.


This was a lucky shot, though I wish I had been able to get more of that cool car in the frame:


Somethings I saw scared me. This bridge doesn't seem to be in very good shape although you'd never know it just from driving under it. Trains go over this bridge multiple times a day.


This guy was a bonus. He must have been very hungry because he allowed me to get quite close:

Karate Chopping Doubt

Yesterday I had slight cramping and thrumming and a full feeling down there in Uterustown. And a singing, happy, giggling heart. I was totally flooded with giddy confidence that I was pregnant. Today those slight symptoms are floating away and so is my confidence. I'm trying to karate chop the doubts but, you know, they nag at me and it's tough.

That cramping could have been from the procedure itself, the doctor just stirring things up down there, couldn't it?
HIIII-YAAAA! No way....I'm pregnant. Pregnant, do you hear me????

So the bad news is, my camera is on the fritz. The funny news is, when my bro and I were talking about me buying his camera a few months ago, he said he would have to arrange it so he could get a new camera before passing his old one along to me because he wouldn't be without a camera. I laughed at that because who can't live for a while without a camera.

Ummm....these days I eat those words because that now would be me who can't seem to be without a camera nearby. I have my old point and shoot (No, no, no. I won't go back, don't make me.) and my bro has agreed to let me borrow his new one while he looks at my old one. Don't know whether to wish the old camera is ok because I'm still learning about it and can't really afford a new one right now....or wish the old camera is kaput because....doi...NEW CAMERA!!!


Some of my favs from my own mini-photo shoot at our farm:

Snuggling In

What did I do today, you ask?

Laid around, loving my embies and visualizing them looking around, smiling, sighing (like you do when you know you're home) and snuggling in.

Please, embies, snuggle in and stay for a while.

Little Loves

I'm PUPO! And very happy.

Quite a different experience from the first embryo transfer. I remember being super nervous and keyed up. Also, the clinic had a waiting room full of people. Even the procedure room had several people buzzing around and it was so hot in there. I remember a tense feeling coming from Dr. AA during my first procedure. I had a constant, nagging fickle back and forth feeling of ... it's going to work...no it's not.

Today was wonderful though. I seemed to be the only patient there and I felt like a queen. The Dr was relaxed and everyone was just wonderful. Dr. AA said he had a good feeling...and I don't even care if he says that to everyone.

As for me, I have a good feeling too. An abnormally good, great, awesome feeling. I've rarely felt such a strong feeling of confidence and well-being. And an overwhelming feeling of love for my embryos. I was nearly giddy with it. I was able to quickly disarm the couple negative thoughts I had and send them packing. I guess the Reiki, acupuncture and good mojo from the blogosphere has permeated and surrounded me, blocking any negativity.

I don't think I'm going to POAS or even get my first beta result. I want to love and care for these embryos to the best of my ability and cherish every moment of being pregnant, no matter what happens.

Second beta: Wednesday, June 15.


My little loves:

I'm Ready

Just now, as I was leaving Dad's this evening, my car wouldn't start. Dad looked at it and after quite a bit of troubleshooting said something I've rarely, if ever heard him say regarding mechanical issues, "I don't have a clue." It will probably have to be towed. I'm grateful, however, because it happened in the driveway of my favorite mechanic. I shudder to think about this happening in Chicago or ,God forbid, tomorrow on the way to our embryo transfer.

I spent the morning pampering myself with new hair color, pedicure and a Reiki session. Reiki Lady says my system is strong and ready to support a pregnancy. She asked me to do a lot of visualizing about what I'll be like in the days after the transfer when I'm pregnant.

I've had a few moments these past few weeks when I can feel the spirit or energy of the new babies around me. Greyson's energy is always with me of course and it always feels like a very calm energy to me. These new children always seem to be giggling in the few moments I've felt their energy near me. I've sensed that they are one boy and one girl. Reiki Lady said they were playful spirits and that she sensed the energy of two boys and a girl but one of the boys may be Greyson. She said Greyson is fully supportive of my going forward with the new babies.

I spent the afternoon in frantic nesting mode doing things that I hope I won't be able to do for a while such as burning the brush pile, cleaning the garage and spray painting some of Dad's metal floral sculptures.


I'm READY. I feel confident and ready.

Tomorrow I will be pregnant.

Even my little piggies are ready:

Good Bye First Grade

Two hours tomorrow and then we're DONE with the 2010/2011 school year. For the first time in 13 years, I cried while giving my little goodbye speech. I was trying to tell them how I had enjoyed being their teacher and I was so proud of all the hard work we had done and they should be sure to visit me next year when they were big second graders. The tears just came. I was surprised that some of them cried a little too. These children were with me through the best and worst weeks of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm very ready to see them go, but I'll never forget them.


Three injections tonight. I'm coming, babies, I'm coming.

Goin' Bananas

End of year paperwork, packing up and cleaning the classroom, dealing with kids who are already DONE with school and DO NOT listen, coping with Swampbutt and crabby kids in a hot school, making awards and giving them at the awards assembly, dragging school stuff home, wondering what I'll be teaching next year, counseling appointment, acupuncture appointment, getting car and clothes ready for going out of town, getting blood drawn (4 sticks!), slamming shots into myself, lining check with Dr. AA, obsessively staring at the calendar, trying to get a little exercise.

One week from right now, I'll be pregnant.

But right now, I'm going bananas!

Turn, Turn, Turn

This came up on shuffle today.
When I heard it I stopped wondering why my baby died and hers lived. Maybe someone else needs to hear it tonight too:



A time to plant:

Room With Potential

I can't believe I'm about to share this.
Yayas, you may want to look away for this one.
Really!

It's a picture of my "back" room. It's a shameful mess. My grandmother is spinning in her grave right now. Doesn't it look like the beginnings of hoarding?

I was thinking it's a metaphor for my life. Once it was my "office" it was fixed up and although I wasn't really satisfied with the decor, it was ok looking.

For a while, just like me, it was full of an exciting kind of potential. Just the weekend before the sad, bad thing happened, I had emptied out the secretary in the corner and was planning on soon getting help moving the big stuff out. Dreaming about moving a crib in.

Now it's a wreck, just like me.

Full of leftover junk from the kitchen remodel, Christmas presents that haven't found a home, crap that fell out of the closet that I was too lazy to pick up, Dollface's art supplies and toys, Sweet Pea's ultrasounds and memory box, bookshelf emptied of my books and waiting for baby's stuff, photography stuff, tech stuff, FET paperwork, school stuff.

Everything's in there. It's a mess, just like my life. I can't tell if I'm going forward or backward. I can't get this room together and I can't get myself together either.


Perhaps there is still potential though.



Let's call these "before" pictures, be on the look out for "after" soon:

My Sweet Little Stragglers

No school for me today. I was grateful to have a day to recover from my girl's weekend in the Windy City. However, the real reason I took a sick day was to have a confab with Dr. AA and his sidekick, Wanda the Dildocam. Everything is quiet on the uterinefront and the doctor spoke confidently of going forward. As an extra bonus, Wanda goosed Madame Red while she was poking around in there so the good lady would finally show herself. Jeez, it seems like I spend a lot of time waiting for her.

Dr. AA and I had a long talk about our embryo report. It is my understanding that I have 2 of "good" quality, 2 of "ok" quality and 2 "stragglers" that probably don't have a good chance. Those are my simplistic words to describe a lot of complicated numbers which I don't really understand. My idea had always been to transfer two at a time until there was a baby or they were gone. However, I got to thinking about my two stragglers. I don't know how many cycles I have left in me emotionally or financially and I CANNOT bear the idea of not giving those two little ones a chance just because I'm finally truly broken and can't go on. My idea was to transfer the two best ones and one of the stragglers this time and if needed all the rest next time.

Well, the good Doctor did not like me using that term "stragglers". I didn't mean anything negative by it. I love those two as much as the rest if not more. Always a soft place in my heart for those who are weaker or struggle.

He talked a long time and used many words to say we just don't know what will happen when any of them are thawed out and there is just as much chance of a baby in the stragglers as in the others. Ummm...I think that was my point. I don't want to (won't) leave them behind. He was very kind about it but said they don't really work by a plan that way. They thaw out two or three and watch them for a few hours and then keep thawing if they have to in order to get two or three to transfer.

Onward, we go. And onward we flow.

I talked it over with Reiki Lady who asked me what number I had in mind for transfer and agreed it would probably be three. I explained about my sweet little stragglers and she said that the third one would "show himself" to the doctor. He would know exactly which one. Again she talked with such confidence on my behalf. I look into her eyes and know she's telling me the truth.

She also said my energy about going forward was mostly positive, only 10 or so percent negative but the negative was a nagging negative. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm to quickly create three positive scenarios from the negative idea. They can even be funny or silly scenarios. I guess that's to help my left brain shut up a little.

Very few images this time, but I did see Mom and I in the hospital just as before. Only this time we were smiling great big smiles. With teeth showing and everything.

You had to know she would show up in the 365 Photograph Challenge sometime, didn't you?
Wanda The Dildocam
My BFF during IVF and FET.

Spring Musical

Our first spring musical was today and it was so sweet. The music teacher worked so hard with our third graders and they were great! You could tell they were so proud of their little costumes and they actually knew and enunciated their lines and songs. And we could actually hear them because the children in the audience were very quiet and well behaved. Which means I could enjoy the muscial too. Something that does not always happen at our school.

I do need to get better at taking these type of shots though (MB?). Apparently, good or bad, I'm the school photographer now.



I have not seen the music teacher smile this big in a long time.


So between the musical, making butterfly headbands with our third grade buddies in the afternoon, the weather being so much cooler and it being the second "on" day for antidepressants my day was pretty good. Whew!

After school Mom brought Dollface over and she mentioned something about "your shot tomorrow".

I had to ask her what she meant.

Ummmm tomorrow's the first injectable for trying again.

My God....this is so far from my thoughts that I could have forgotten.

It's weird...I do think about a subsequent pregnancy and even a healthy full term baby. And I think a lot how I'll handle all of that and if I can survive another sad, bad thing.

My mind seems to be skipping over the actual "work" to be done to even get to the place where I have a chance. So so different. The last time I was all consumed and could think of nothing else.

I'll be really lucky if I don't screw this up somehow.

Buckle Up

One reason I will not be able to be a teacher for my entire career:
Today a girl came up to me and said she had found this note and she handed it to me. The note went on about how the writer wanted to "take it to the next level" and "get married on FB". I would have brushed it off but on the back it said "I want to put my dick in your ass."

Yes, you read right. Appalled, I launched a grand inquisition (during time that should have been spent teaching) including taking handwriting samples and involving the principal. I do not know where a first grader would hear this kind of language but it is clear to me that he is seeing or hearing inappropriate things.

It would be one thing if this was a one time thing but something like this comes up too often at our school. A few weeks ago a boy (not in my class, thankfully) told a girl she should suck his "penis". They talked to the older brother who told them that the mom and sister thought the first grade brother was taking off the 1 year old's diaper and "freaking" on her.

WTF!!! You "think" your son is "freaking" on your infant granddaughter? And clearly you were talking about in front of the third grader. Ummm don't you think you aught to be DOING something about that little problem in the family dynamics?!

There are a lot of days I ask myself what the hell is wrong with some people.

I am sickened. Horrified and sickened. Even after 13 years of working in the ghetto I am not hardened to this sort of thing. These are beautiful, intelligent children but they're not cherished or protected the way children should be. It's too hard on my heart....I'm not sure how many more years of this I have left in me.

It's the first week of tapering off the antidepressants. This week I take one two days in a row, then off two days. Next week, I take one every other day and the final week every third day. I start Lupron on Saturday.

Buckle up, people....it's going to be a bumpy ride.

91/365 (actually taken yesterday)
Every time I see this sign in the grocery store, I think the words are backwards. It should read "NEEDS BABY".

The Lab

I know my posts have been upbeat lately. Healing is taking place and life is ok but the truth is there are a lot of moments, hours, even days during which I feel like I'm barely holding my head above water. And a lot of moments when I feel myself slip under and have to struggle to the surface again. I'm only a few days away from our due date which I have to somehow survive without hearing my baby's cry. There are no heartfelt poetic words to describe it. Part of me is dead and will be for as long as I live. How do I learn to live with that?

I had a calendar review today for the new cycle. Moving toward the new cycle is one of the things helping me stay above water. While we were going over the quality of the eggs I have left (not as good as I'd hoped), the nurse said I was very lucky to have some frozen and used almost the exact words the doctor did, "There's a baby in there somewhere."

They let me see the lab and snap a few pics. I could follow those embryologists around all day asking questions.

Pop In 2

I remembered my camera when I did my second round of pop in visits to MB and JK in their high school Spanish classrooms. I'm loving getting a snapshot of my friends in their workplaces. Teaching high school seems like such fun! Although I'm sure my friends would disagree and I realize I only had a very short time to experience it as a visitor. They really know their stuff and I could tell their kids knew a lot of Spanish. I really got a kick out of them playing "Chispa" which is Spanish for "Sparkle", a spelling game we play in first grade too.

Sometimes I wish my friends and I could all work together is some fantasy charter school or live together in a Yaya sorority house. It would be a great reality series. Any ideas for a title or jazzy theme song?

I actually made the call today.
I am actually signed up for a May/June FET.
Even the possibility of pregnancy is special.
The slimmest chance of a baby is a great treasure.

Let the anxiety and worry begin.
Let hope grow and grow.
Let the praying begin.

The Amazing MB:
(Note what the student's t-shirt says. This is the fourth reference to twins I've seen this week.)



The Amazing JK:

Maternal Fetal Appointment

Big appointment today with a Maternal Fetal Specialist.

The important stuff first. This doctor is good looking too. I swear I'm meant to marry a doctor, I find them all so attractive.

He and his staff were perfectly lovely. The nurse asked me if I was ok to talk about what happened and the Doctor spent a few moments asking about my emotional well-being. These may seem like small things but it made the whole appointment much more sympathetic and easier to get through.

I got answers to two things that have really been nagging at me all this time.

He said that he thinks the membrane ruptured prematurely first causing the abruption because there was no discharge before the huge gushes of fluid and because it took me awhile after being induced to deliver. The other two weren't able to tell me this and would only say they didn't know which happened first.

He really seemed to listen carefully while I told about what happened and asked a lot of questions about the details. I told him that when I got to the hospital, nothing was done. I was told I could only lay there and hope the rupture would heal itself. Even though I told the nurses I was cramping every 5-10 minutes, they did nothing at all. This doctor said that was entirely appropriate protocol and was exactly what should have been done.

I feel an incredible sense of relief knowing these two things and a little of my trust for Dr. H. has been restored.

He believes there may be some cervical issues. I can't tell you exactly what he said but I guess the sac could have sort of sagged down through the weakened cervix (hence the pressure I felt an hour prior to the gush of fluids) The area it sagged into below the cervix is acidic and harmful to the membrane causing it to weaken and break.

So going forward, if I'm very lucky and get pregnant, he will be monitoring us closely, checking me every week or every other week with an internal ultrasound for changes in the cervix and if necessary treat the problem with a cerclage or medication or bedrest.

Toward the end of the appointment he asked me to hop up onto the exam table and he listened to my heart. I can't figure out why. I have no heart problems and you can't check a cervix through a stethoscope. I wonder if it's because patients feel more confident in a doctor who does at least some sort of physical exam. I'm also wondering why he didn't do a pelvic exam.

He also told me I would need to go off of antidepressants 30-60 days before an embryo transfer not for physical reasons but to make sure I could emotionally handle being off of them. If I can't handle it, he'll put me on something different that I can stay on.

I also had an appointment with RK, THE counselor. I told her about going off of the antidepressants and she said under no circumstances am I to go off cold turkey. I'm to be under doctor's orders and her watchful eye.

It's all a bit intimidating going forward and of course terrifying, but I am hopeful and it feels good to have that emotion again.

While I was running around to appointments and lunch, my dad and bro were here tiling. Slow work and I feel guilty I wasn't here to assist. But maybe better to be out of the way?

In between the two appointments, I had lunch at Jilly's Cupcake Bar with some co-workers. Very yum.

Trampoline Time

I took the day off to get the girls off to school this morning and go to my tax appointment. Getting the girls up and ready this morning went amazingly smoothly. They both listened and did as they were told.

I dropped Dollface off at school and she wanted me to walk her in and meet her kindergarten teacher. She goes to kindergarten in my childhood school in my childhood kindergarten room. It felt odd and nostalgic to be there as an adult. I had the typical thought that everything looked so tiny.

This afternoon I packed them off to Mom and Dad's but will still be watching them afterschool until E and C come home on Thursday. We went to their house to check on the cat and dog and get in some trampoline time:










+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did I mention that Madame Red showed up last week? Finally, after a week of progesterone and a week of waiting. And wowza, what a gusher she is. I was relieved to see her but sheesh...didn't want such an exciting reunion. I contacted the clinic because I was a little worried. They said to go on birth control pills which will slow and stop the flow as well as prepare me for trying again.

You read right....trying again.

Mom came over tonight to look at the backsplash tile that finally got delivered today. We were just sitting in the kitchen chatting and out of the blue, she says she's ready to look at Greyson's pictures. She cried and cried. Eventually she said she was glad I was going to be able to try again and that she was fully behind me.

I know it will be hellish if I lose another child, but it would be impossible to survive knowing I couldn't try again because I was too afraid.

I heard something yesterday that reminded me that if one great, awesome thing can happen in my life then another great, awesome thing can happen. Ok...it was a TV preacher talking about how God can do anything and if you were healthy before, He can make you healthy again, etc, etc. I do not like TV preachers and do not watch them but as I was flipping channels some small phrase he said caught my ear and I stopped to hear more.

Just hearing what he said...I don't know how to explain it. Instantly something seemed to mend inside me and the attitude of my heart and mind changed. This might be a temporary upswing as I've had in the past, but it's here now and I'm doing what I can with it.

Greyson is helping me move foreward.

He's going to send me his little sister.

It's all going to be ok.

I'm going to sign up for a June cycle.

Doctor's New Office

If you were wondering what the ultimate irony is, it's receiving my son's gravestone proofsheet in the mail on the same day as my appointment to see the doctor about maybe trying to get pregnant again someday.

I really miss being his mom.

My heart runneth over with raw mixed emotions. And there might even be a bit of hope and looking to the future mixed in there along with the sorrow and the gone-ness of him.

Dr. AA had a lot to say while really having nothing new to say. He has no answers either as to why that sad, bad thing happened to us. He agreed with everything Dr. H said. He prescribed progesterone to help start my period. He says there is "probably" a baby in amongst the 6 frozen embryos, it's just a matter of finding it, either when I try again or the next time I try after that. He said I have about the same chance at getting pregnant as I did the first time and that if an embryo doesn't survive the thaw it's because it was genetically "bad" not because it was frozen. Everything for this new cycle, if I chose to go forward, would be basically the same as Sweet Pea's cycle. He encouraged me to try again as soon as possible. I'm to call the clinic when my period makes an appearance.

I'm not sure I want to or can even bring myself to try again but....

I'd forgotten that I already love them.

My six frozen embryos.

Just like I loved Sweet Pea before he grew inside me.

My doctor just moved offices. Guess what his new street number is:

I actually got an email about the doctor moving offices the day after I got home from the hospital. I had horrible, bitter thoughts when I read that email but I didn't delete it.
Was it Sweet Pea even then, nudging me forward?

Emotionally Complicated

First of all, I just have to get off my chest how I hate the other pregnant teacher at my school. I hate how she saunters around with her rosy glow and round belly. I hate that she alone gets all the special pregnant attention and sweet jokes. I hate how she cackles with laughter and I hate that I can barely look at her or if I can I cannot take my eyes off her belly. Why does she get all the happy? I'm aware that this makes me a black-hearted person.

Something was wrong with Clara B. when I came home. She could hardly use her back legs. Like her back end was drunk or something. My first thought was that she blew out her new knee or that the other one had blown out. Then, I thought maybe she had a small stroke or something. The vet took x-rays and said that she has arthritis in her back. I have three medications for her and can only hope she improves in the next few days. I'm not a vet of course but just doesn't seem like arthritis to me. How could that come on so suddenly? Why?

I finally got a nice, hopeful response from Dr. AA. It is with mixed emotions of every kind that I made an appointment.

Everything is so emotionally complicated now. Even rushing Clara B Dog to the vet and wondering how I would survive if it was serious and I had to let her go too. At the same time, thinking, oh well, I've survived the worst and it can't hurt more than that did. Zoe Cat ran away this fall and I'm not sure I can stand the house without Clara B. I'm such a mess.


Picture of the Day: