TTW Craziness

Symptom Watch 2011:
~ Weird, mild cramps this morning.
~ Farting up a storm (Shut up, it's a symptom!)
~ A few panicky moments today when my "enjoy pregnancy whatever may come" attitude
failed me and I just knew my babies weren't with me. I thought I suddenly couldn't
feel their energy and I thought it meant they, or some of them or one of them had left.

A little batty you may think? Me too but unavoidable.

Still a way different experience from my first crazy train post transfer wait. What non-stop mental hand wringing I did. What an emotionally tormented wreck I was.

First beta is tomorrow and my clinic doesn't give you those results unless you request them sighting that it's the difference between the first and second beta that is the true positive.

Although I'm, for the most part, enjoying this PUPO time, I'm just not sure I'll be able to hold out till the second beta...

An early breakfast out at a local diner with Mom and Dad, then to church where I sat with my cousin, KR and her son. I've only been to this church a few times but we've never crossed paths.

An old railroad overpass was the subject for my camera this afternoon:



In my very young and dumb youth, I used to think that a boy writing your name on this bridge would be the height of romance.


This was a lucky shot, though I wish I had been able to get more of that cool car in the frame:


Somethings I saw scared me. This bridge doesn't seem to be in very good shape although you'd never know it just from driving under it. Trains go over this bridge multiple times a day.


This guy was a bonus. He must have been very hungry because he allowed me to get quite close:

In His Hands

I have had the worst day of crazy worried thoughts ever. Nothing would stop the pinwheel. I've been close to tears several times. It just seems like I should be feeling something by now. Anything.

I did stumble upon a TV preacher while I was channel surfing. He was talking about God's plan and how if He has a destination for me. He already knows the path and WILL get me there. Those thoughts did help for a short time. We're in God's hands...I really do believe this. I just wish He would throw down an implantation cramp or something.

I went shopping for school supplies this afternoon and getting out of the house helped. I stopped by Mom's on the way home and talked to her a little about it. She has no idea of my lunacy of course but she said that she didn't feel anything much the whole first trimester. Of course she was a young, busy farmwife at the time. It helped to talk to her but I still feel frazzled and worried that they didn't stay.

I'm going to school tomorrow to work in my classroom. I'm really looking forward to getting part of my mind on something else even though I'm terrified to work and be active in the heat.

7 days until I know if my embies stayed.

Please, God, please, please, please, please.

Plummet

My frame of mind took a plummet today. Not all the way to the bottom of the well, but further down than I've been in a while. This two week wait is dreadful. 7 days and there are absolutely no messages from the Uterus Files. I feel as normal as can be...as empty as usual. My mind constantly murmers...there's still hope, there's still hope as it tries to convince me that I WAS feeling a twinge, a tiny gurgle of nausea. While at the same time urging me NOT to get my hopes up.

Earlier today, I stumbled upon a phrase that helped the plummet. Advanced Maternal Age (AMA). I don't know how I avoided this phrase up until now. I've never encountered it before but I think it's horrible. Sounds like Advanced Fill In Uncurable Disease Here to me. The usual obsessive thoughts are joined by the return of the disbelief that I've let childlessness go on this long.

I keep wondering if this will ever happen for me and if I can go on in life if it doesn't.


DollFace is here for the night. Big sis is having a big kid slumber party to celebrate her 12th (12!!) Birthday so we're having our own slumber party of two to include cookie making, movies, popcorn perhaps even a tea party. I'm greatful for the distraction.