Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Emotionally Complicated

First of all, I just have to get off my chest how I hate the other pregnant teacher at my school. I hate how she saunters around with her rosy glow and round belly. I hate that she alone gets all the special pregnant attention and sweet jokes. I hate how she cackles with laughter and I hate that I can barely look at her or if I can I cannot take my eyes off her belly. Why does she get all the happy? I'm aware that this makes me a black-hearted person.

Something was wrong with Clara B. when I came home. She could hardly use her back legs. Like her back end was drunk or something. My first thought was that she blew out her new knee or that the other one had blown out. Then, I thought maybe she had a small stroke or something. The vet took x-rays and said that she has arthritis in her back. I have three medications for her and can only hope she improves in the next few days. I'm not a vet of course but just doesn't seem like arthritis to me. How could that come on so suddenly? Why?

I finally got a nice, hopeful response from Dr. AA. It is with mixed emotions of every kind that I made an appointment.

Everything is so emotionally complicated now. Even rushing Clara B Dog to the vet and wondering how I would survive if it was serious and I had to let her go too. At the same time, thinking, oh well, I've survived the worst and it can't hurt more than that did. Zoe Cat ran away this fall and I'm not sure I can stand the house without Clara B. I'm such a mess.

Picture of the Day:


  1. I found myself glaring at a pregnant woman's belly today as she talked at my "education" day at work. I really didn't need to see her rubbing her kinda burned. Obviously you have endured more than I ever thought a human could, but even to a lowly IFer like me...pregnant bellies SUCK!

    I hope Clara B gets better soon. I know my furries keep me sane through all of this.

    Thinking of you and sending you hugs!

  2. Ugh. I hate her and I don't even know her. Is there any way you can avoid her? :( Crap.
    Clara B sounds like me! Maybe she can get a spinal injection and load her up on ibuprofen to help her get through. OK, that was just me being goofy, but I hope she gets better. Poor girl.
    I'm glad you got your response from the doc. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help support you in the process.
    I like the pic. It's colorful and a great angle.

  3. You're not a black-hearted person for feeling the way you do.... I feel it too and I'm sure most people in this situation would feel the same. Sorry to hear about your dog.. hope she feels better soon xo

  4. Honey, I go through that too - "Why does so-and-so have all the happy?" I think it's just normal to go there sometimes. And when I see a drop dead gorgeous girl in her early 30's who lands the perfect, loving husband and they buy a beautiful old house with tons of character and she gets pregnant the normal way and they have a beautiful genetic baby nine months later with an easy pregnancy and then she gets the help of her mom, mother-in-law, her sisters and sisters-in-law and is back in her size 4 jeans in a month...yeah, I actually know women who fit that bill (more than one). It's really HARD not to ask "Really? WTF did I do SO WRONG in my life that I didn't get ANY of that?!!!" I actually never hate the women but I do feel bitter that SO MUCH "happy" could be given to one person, SO much great stuff - and then other women have to claw their way over broken glass just to have one of those things, and diluted at that.

    You're perfectly normal, my dear.

    And you're healing; it's wonderful to see. Does that mean you love Greyson less, or miss him less? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But I think it does mean that you can finally envision a future for yourself that brings you some happiness while simultaneously knowing Greyson's loss remains.

    Wishing you well, as always.

    And I love your construction paper pic! :)

  5. sometmes I feel that way on your behalf . Especially when I see the young girls at school who aren't even sure if they want to keep the baby. I want to yell "Give it to me. I know someone that will be a fantastic mother!" I sincerely hope that one day it will be your turn to be that happy again.

    I'm glad you finally heard from the doctor. I can't imangine how it feels to have made that appt. Let me know if you want me to go with you or to do anything.

    Who knew colored paper could be that cool? I like the angle, focus, and the "rustic" feel of the wood. Nice shot!
    Hope Ms Clara gets better. She such a sweet dog.

  6. It IS completely natural to feel what you feel. We all get doled out completely different things, and when you are staring at the kind of plate people coming through here have been presented with, you just have to

    But strangely, the one thing that keeps me grounded is knowing it is all relative. There are people out there who might look at our lives and be amazed that the fact that not having kids is the source of so much hell to us.

    I hope Clara gets better soon...losing a pet creates new wounds by reopening the old ones:(

  7. I have belly envy too. I tell myself its normal, because I didn't want to start asking people.

    I wanted to say some sarcastic way I deal with belly envy but the truth is I'm just envious and I can't not be.

    I think if I were the other teacher I would probably feel terrible for what happened to you. It would be hard for me to be getting the attention when I know someone else has sufferend and is suffering and should be experiencing it with me.

  8. Ooh, I just love that Clara...I'm really hoping she's ok!

  9. Has your vet checked Clara for a kidney infection? Last month my poor lab had a severe kidney infection and I had no idea because she gave no indication. She just suddenly started doing strange things like standing in the yard staring into space and her back legs looked exactly like she was drunk. The vet thought maybe it was due to the pain or that there was some nerve damage of unknown origin that happened to occur at the same time.


  10. I hope sweet Clara B. had an okay night. It was so frightening when our family dog had an incident where he couldn't walk and wasn't eating. He got better after a few days, and I hope your Clara B. is better by the weekend.

    I can only imagine how awful it is to have to see your pregnant co-worker on top of the world, soaking in the attention and sashaying around. Do you have to pony up for a shower or gift for her? That would suck big time. I was going to say maybe it will help when she's out for six weeks on leave (out of sight if not out of mind). But people end up posting pictures and relaying conversations they've had with the new mom. Hopefully she won't drop by the school to show off her baby or if she does, you can find a way to avoid them. Major hugs to you and keep us posted about what you hear back from the drs.

  11. I so udnerstand why you hate the other pregnant teach right nwo, I think we all would too if we were in your shoes Paige. I think i hate her for you, so how rotten is my heart?!

    So glad you heard back from your doctor and your thinking about the future. Even if your not 100% there yet, your looking in the right direction, forward. That's a wonderful thing. xoxoxox

  12. Does Clara B have a history of seizures? Did she seem to regain function slowly over several hours? One of our pups has seizures, and she can't hardly walk for almost 3 hours after one.

    You are not black-hearted, she is insensitive.

  13. You are not a black-hearted person to hate the pregnant lady, and you have every right to be mad at the people who faun over her. In all honesty, I would hope that your co-workers would actually down play her pregnancy in consideration of your loss. It doesn't rain on her parade to do this, as she gets to be all glowy and happy outside of work. It should be toned way down at work anyway, out of consideration for unspoken situations (i.e., like your other co-worker who had a loss years ago too) and professionalism as well as the very obvious pain it would bring to you. I am so sorry Paige.

    When is your Dr. AA appointment?

    You and Clara B are in my thoughts; I hope her leg problem clears up. That is definitely pretty scary.

  14. Quite honestly, I'd worry about you if you *didn't* hate your pregnant coworker right now. I do hope that some day you get to a point where you only envy those who have normal pregnancies and never have reason to worry, instead of feeling the way you do now. But right now, hate her and every other pregnant lady if that's what feels right. I know I felt that way last year.

    I hope Clara is ok! And I'm so happy you've schedule an appointment with Dr. AA. I can only imagine the mixed feelings you must be experiencing over that!

  15. I hear you. I understand how you feel about pregnant co-worker.
    I hope Clara B is ok. It sucks so much seeing one of your babies not doing well.