Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Due Date Update

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't written a word since our due date over a week ago. Weird, huh? I'm not really sure why. Although there was certainly a cyclone of emotions going on, I guess I didn't feel the need to release them to the universe. Perhaps I was waiting for the due date to fully embrace acceptance. Although it feels like that will never happen 100%.

Due Date Update:
I was dreading this day so very much. It was properly horrid but I fought my way through the day and survived. I was actually at work, keeping busy and holding on by my fingernails but doing ok until a younger teacher tripped by saying she had to check on another teacher who was suffering with morning sickness. She had just found out she was pregnant. The bottom fell out for me and the rest of the day was very painful and I wasn't sure I would survive it. However, I guess no one has died from a broken heart or from too much crying, so here I am.

The family and friends (and of course all of YOU kind readers) really did gather round and I had wonderful support. One sweet coworker actually gave me a card and flowers. Surprisingly, my dad was the most prevalent but you'd never get him to admit that he stopped by here everyday for over a week in the days surrounding our due date. Always some little repair or item to drop off or pick up. Luckily, I can translate "Dadspeak".

The next day I felt markedly improved but still pretty low. That other pregnant teacher started having contractions on Friday which rounded out the week of misery. For a few days I could not stop thinking about what giving birth to my live son on or near our due date would have been like. I was tormented with wondering about this and being broken hearted that it didn't happen.

The day after our due date, a big box of medication arrived for the upcoming FET. Familiar names on the bottles, familiar syringes, familiar instructions...but such unfamiliar emotions. Dread, that "Oh God, here we go again" feeling, a little hope, a lot of fear. I guess I haven't really embraced acceptance fully because I just can't believe I have to slam shots into myself again.

Something happened that next day. I was able to start exercising and tracking my food intake. I've done both everyday since. I also stopped writing as you know and didn't even go to my support group that week. Not really sure what is going on with that.

I had a double whammy this week. Counseling and Reiki on the same evening. RK, THE counselor advised me to put nearly every thing I have into being as healthy and positive as I can be for this new cycle while at the same time preparing a small part of myself for what could happen. Reiki Lady is still extremely sure I will become a mother. She said the feminine part of my body is dancing and ready to go while the right leg which is in charge of stepping into new experiences is very stiff. Interesting because I've been having some pain in my right knee and hip while exercising. I didn't have too many images come to me this time but did picture myself dancing and also had an image of a picture I wanted to take (Rapunzel's tower) rather than pictures I had already taken which is what usually comes to me.

My son died on my dad's birthday.
I begin taking medication for the new cycle on my mom's birthday.
Our embryo transfer is June 7.

It's time to look to the future.
But I sure miss my boy.

Now for a laugh after that heavily serious post.
Bucket of Chicken:


  1. :(
    I hope that you have a new due date soon and then a baby.
    I was so worried about your due date. I was hoping and praying that you would get through.
    I'm so sorry all of the pregnancy issues at your school keep on going on and on and on.
    Love you.

  2. You are good stuff Paige.

    The anniversaries keep coming, but that is a particularly hard one.

    I am so ready to charge you through this next cycle.

    You will be on my mind all day Sunday. Okay? I will be thinking about you for whatever it is worth. You are never alone.

  3. Love you, dear friend. I am praying and hoping with everything I've got that this cycle brings you your little one. xoxo

  4. Thinking of you and your gorgeous son's due date. All the very best for starting this FET cycle xoxo

  5. Thinking of you during this upcoming FET cycle! So excited that you're taking this next step on your journey. Hugs!

  6. Hi Paige..this is my first time at your blog. Reading over your older posts broke my heart and my heart weeps for you. I will think about you on your upcoming FET...we have one in June as well. =0) Your pictures are beautiful by the way!

  7. the coincidence of dates is weird, to be completely ineloquent. Know I am thinking of you and that I have so much respect and admiration for your bravery to jump back into it all with the FET. It is your turn for good luck.

  8. Best wishes on your FET. June 7 is an excellent day (my birthday).

  9. Hi Paige-

    I'm thinking of you and sending you positive vibes. We're doing a fresh IVF cycle again later this month after losing all 4 embryos in February. I'm looking forward to doing this together. I just ordered my drugs this afternoon. When you get the big box of drugs it sure does make it seem more real. Good luck, Paige! Here we go!

  10. Sorry I'm Just now commenting. I was missing the daily updates, but very much enjoying the pics. Love the bucket of chicken! Ha!
    I hope, with all my soul, that in a few months you can be a proud mom to be again. Sending postitive energy your way. I'm proud of you for keeping your exercise and food tracking going.

  11. Truly beautiful post.
    The chicken picture is seriously funny.
    Thinking of you and this upcoming cycle with many positive hopes for you.