I feel so selfish and terrible to be having these emotions on the worst day of my dear friend's life. Even worse writing about them. I know it's not about me but this blog is so bear with me.
I was taken aback at the huge amount of RAGE I felt when I heard that bastard's voice and all throughout the service. I had a serious visceral reaction. I really could have screamed or hit something or thrown up. It's very lucky for me I was with two strong friends who were there to lean on. (Thank you, SM and RO) They kept me grounded and I was able to hold back the worst of the emotions. Also, I kept thinking how the judge wouldn't want any impropriety at this time and I didn't want to embarrass SC or myself.
As we sang, prayed and recited our way through the service, I realized how much I miss the familiarness of the church I was born to. I couldn't get all the way through the old familiar hymns or the Nicene Creed, the words of which will be etched in my memory forever just from the exposure I had to them on a weekly basis my whole life.
I'm furious at that bastard for taking those ingrained traditions away from me. Something which I didn't even realize I was missing. And saddened that I will never experience them again in the same way. Nor will my children.
The new church I've attended occasionally has some lovely hymns and prayers which I'll probably grow to love over time but being a different religion, they're different. I'll never be able to wrap that shawl of familiarity around me and feel the comfort of the words I once said and sang with the solid confidence of faithful generations behind me.
Not that I really know what I believe anymore. I used to think I had a strong faith but now I know something that can be so shaken was never really strong to begin with.
I can visit other Lutheran churches from time to time. I realize that.
It just won't be the same.
Despite my waves of anger and sadness, I recognized that it was a beautiful service and exactly what the judge had wanted. Just the right verses, hymns and eulogy. The preacher said that the judge was not afraid at the end of his life but completely calm only wanting blessings on his family. A testament to a truly strong faith. For SC and her family, I'm glad of this.
As we left the church, we had to walk past him. SM squeezed my hand hard and I just casually turned my head so as not to see him. None of us is in jail for kicking a preacher in the balls so I guess we did ok.
I stopped by the luncheon at a local winery for a few minutes to see SC. I just had to see with my own eyes that she was holding in there and doing ok. Like the strong, beautiful woman she is, she seemed to be doing fine as well as her family members. I know these were two of the worst days of her life, but she's handled them with grace and dignity. The judge is smiling and proud. Love and thoughts always, SC.
I think this is by far the crappiest picture I've taken so far. It was raining on the way home from acupuncture and I knew I'd be busy tonight and didn't want to worry about taking a photo. The building in the background is the St.Louis Sheridan which I love. This picture doesn't do it justice at all.
Edited so MB won't worry: I was in a huge traffic jam caused by the Cardinal's game getting out so I was completely stopped.