Saturday, April 9, 2011

Fighting Grief: Round 558

I received the most amazing and unexpected gift today. My sister-in-law came over to "look at the new tile." She asked me about the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and we talked about that for a few minutes. Then, out of the blue she offered to carry a child for me if I should have another sad, bad thing happen with this next try. I was so flabbergasted that I'm not sure I reacted sufficiently grateful. All I could do was sort of hem and haw my thanks. Before I could collect my thoughts, Mom drove up. I'll need to write her an email. I always knew she had a giving heart but now, I take back every mean thing I ever said or thought about her. Or most of them anyway. :)

Every cell in my heart hopes it doesn't come to that. I would rather the FET just not take. Still unsure about surviving another sad, bad thing.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've made an effort to keep negativity off the blog recently and I truthfully have been on quite an emotional upswing the past couple weeks. But now I seem to be heading toward a downturn. Why? Could be no reason at all. These things seem to turn on me like lightning with no provocation at all. It could be because I got that damn sample pack of formula in the mail and it took my breath away but I managed it ok. As I filled my medicine caddy yesterday, I realized I was out of antidepressants. By the time I got the refill, it was late in the day and I decided to just skip it. By evening, I was crashing. I don't know if it was missing a dose or just "where I am" but again I'm wondering why, why, why my little baby had to die. Wondering about the path of my life. Wondering why trying for my second child isn't enough motivation to eat right and exercise. Etc, etc, etc. I'm fighting the same old bad, sad crap, ding, ding, round 558. It's better today but I'm really wondering about my capability of being off this medication.

Oh and that other pregnant teacher is on FB complaining that she's "totally over" being "preggo".

How I wish with all that I am that I was still preggo.

I would have been 38 weeks pregnant this week and cannot stop thinking about what it might have been like to still have my Sweet Pea kicking inside me. We would have had a shower by now. the nursery would have been decorated by now with Mom's help. She probably would have OVER decorated it. We might have had quarrels about it. I'd be on maternity leave by now. Maybe I'd be having contractions right now. Or he might even be born and home in my arms this very moment.

Oh I miss him so much. With body, soul, heart, mind. No gut wrenching cry or words I write here can express how much I miss my son.

Picture of the Day:


Dad and I grouted the new kitchen tile.
He came over this evening to adjust some shelves in the new cabinets and kept hanging around like he was wanting to say something but never did. I wish I had offered a penny for his thoughts.


  1. Your SIL offered the most amazing gift... I would have been speechless too. Hoping that it isn't necessary though. Sorry that you feel as though you've taken a bit of a downturn... heading towards EDD is such a difficult time. Love your tiles xoxo

  2. I love when someone does something so unexpected.

    I've heard the ups and downs are part of grief. Although my journey hasn't been as tragic, there are some days where nothing but a baby could make me happy.

    Don't you just want to slap that other teacher? I've often thought what I would tolerate to be a mom. I think I'd have morning sickness or do injections every day for the rest of my life. She doesn't have a clue how lucky she is.

  3. What an incredibly wonderful, generous thing for your SIL to offer. You are very blessed to have such a loving, supportive family around you, helping you to achieve your dream.

    There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I've been following your blog for a little while now and have wanted to say something, but there are no words. Words can't even begin to scratch the surface on a pain so deep.

    You sound like you would be a fantastic mother. I truly hope your dreams come true.

  4. Your SIL must thing the world of you, and believe that you will be a phenomenal mother.

  5. Often there is a reason why our bodies want to hold onto the extra weight and it is always related to stress. It could be from a trauma you suffered, quite possibly as a baby or a child. Once you come to terms with the trauma your body will know that it is safe and you will be able to let go of the weight that has been shielding you from the trauma (threat) all these years.

    I love the tiling, it is probably something I would have chosen myself!

  6. You express your pain so eloquently; my heart cries out for your pain. I'm always thinking of you and your sweet baby. I know that probably doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things, but you have helped me heal so much from my own losses by being so open about yours... I wanted to thank you for that.

    I love your new back-splash, by the way... and as always, you're in my prayers.

  7. I am so sorry for your pain. Sending hugs.

  8. Life has plenty of ups and downs and they are harder for us when we are grieving. Take your meds as long as you need them. There is no shame in them at all. It was really sweet of C to offer to carry a baby for you, but hopefully, prayerfully it will not come to that. It is hard not to be frustrated with people who have what we want so easily. You do just want to smack them. Lots of love and hugs

  9. What an amazing gift your SIL has offered.

    I may be out of line saying this...but try not to confuse expressing your grief with being negative...that you express your grief & pain helps with your healing, it's not being negative, in my opinion anyway.

  10. Wow, that IS an amazing gift your SIL offered, how wonderful. As others have said, prayerfully it will never come to that, but I'm glad she offered and showed loving support for you. Grief does seem to come in cycles, but get less frequent and intense over time, at least in my experience. But sometimes it does surprise you with a wave (and it does make sense that you would think of your son especially at this time, as you mentioned). Sending lots of caring thoughts.

  11. I agree. That is amazing of your SIL... Hold on to hope Paigey, even if it's just by a fingernail. Sometimes that's all we can do.

    love you,

  12. Your SIL really showed true colors and it so wonderful that she is so generous and loving. You have great family. This will be so lucky for your baby when she comes. Greyson is really looking out for you.

    Your tile is beautiful...

    Can you turn off getting announcements from the pregnant lady at work. You really don't need to be following her.

  13. Sorry I'm so late on here this post- I haven't been online all day.
    First, that's amazing that SIL will do that for you. I would give her a hug right now if she was near me. I hope that you don't need her, but she's there if you do.
    I'm so sorry that you're on a downswing right now. It's not negative to talk about how this has all affected you. You're just expressing grief and your feelings. I wish more people would be honest about such stuff and not try to push it away all the time.
    I'm here for you if you need to talk or if you need a shoulder. Any time-
    love you, and love that tile too...

  14. We have every reason in the world to believe your FET will result in a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. Ignore the words of the foolish Paige. Their world is so small, isnt it?

  15. Oh, Paige...I second Jeannie's comment. Hold on to hope! LOVE you!

  16. Wow. That was a big offer from SIL. I hope that the upcoming FET works and it's never needed but wow.
    That tile is beautiful.

  17. I'm thinking of you and hoping that this next cycle is the one. I'm so glad you're surrounded with loving friends and family. Hugs.

  18. Oh, P, Just read this. Sorry for the late post. 558 rounds and still fighting! You've taken some tough hits and some similac sucker punches, but nothing has KO-ed you. It's okay to sit in the corner of the ring (especially now), catch your breath, let Greyson, SIL, the Yas and all these wonderful blog friends, support you and patch you up so you can come out fighting again.
    I agree with others, it's not negative when its honest and real. I'm sorry you are fighting this battle but I have every confidence you'll have a victory, one way or another.

  19. I was stunned as I read about your SILs amazing offer - I can't imagine being able to respond intelligently. I think a note or email would be the best thing, so you can compose your response. That is just beautiful.

    Love the angel in your next post, those are excellent pix.