Our Due Date

Dear Greyson, My Sweet Pea,

I loved you with a greatness I didn't know my heart capable of. I started loving you long before you were put inside me and I haven't stopped loving you, my Beautiful Boy. I thought the happiest day of my life was when I found out you had stayed with me and were growing. The days only got happier as we went along together. The happiest, I think, was our 20 week ultrasound. When I saw you moving all around on that screen and heard your Mawmaw crying tears of joy, I knew you were real and it felt like happiness might just bubble right out of me. My heart expanded and was overflowing with love for you. I felt as though you and I were already on a great adventure together.

I wish I'd talked outloud to you while you were with me, instead of just talking to you from inside my head. I wish I'd read story books and sang to you. I hope you felt every excited, caring, wondering and loving thought and feeling I had for you, My Darling Boy. They were many and constant and will continue for as long as I'm alive.

I know you would have been a good baby, but I wonder all the time about what kind of little boy you would have been. Rambunctious and into everything or maybe quieter and more creative? Would you have been sullen or rebellious or hard to handle as a teenager or even-tempered or popular or athletic? I often think about what our lives together would have been like as you grew up. Would you have moved far away from me as an adult or stayed close by? Would you have followed in your PawPaw and Uncle's footsteps and become a farmer? Or a veterinarian? Or a businessman? Or a musician? I know you were smart and could become anything you wanted. I was proud of you from the moment I knew about you.

You were the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. So small. Perfect in every way to the eyes of your mother. I'm very sorry I was overcome by sorrow and unable to hold you for a longer time. I'll forever hold you in my heart and will never, never let you go.

I've learned so much from sharing your short life, My Sweet Baby. I love in a bigger, deeper way because I loved you. I'm more caring of those around me. I have a better awareness of what is really important in this life. I've learned that God does stay with us, even when we are broken by life's cruelty and unable to stay with Him. I'm a stronger, kinder person with a bigger more generous heart because your beautiful life was a part of mine and will be forever.

Thank you, Greyson, for making my fairytale dream of becoming a mother, your mother come true.

You'll always be my baby, my son, my beautiful dream.

Love forever,
Mama