Fourteen weeks after losing my sweet boy, I'm still struggling to look at the bigger picture. I think about why my baby left this world everyday and never come up with a good reason. I try to think of reasons I will perhaps leave the earth without becoming a real mother to a living child. Reasons I was given exactly 20 weeks of miraculous happiness with my son and not one day more.
Could it be because my parents are getting older and I'll need to be free to care for them?
Do I need to stay childless to be a great aunt to my nieces?
Would some certain student suffer if I were distracted in years to come by becoming a mom?
Is it so I will write about the hell of losing a pregnancy on this blog?
Did it happen so that I'd become closer to my family or friends?
Or so that I could find a greater understanding or learn to love in a bigger and deeper way than I ever have before?
I've thought many times that perhaps I'd be a terrible mother when faced with the reality instead of the daydream.
The pieces just don't fit together. I can't see why at all.
Should I just be grateful to have experienced pregnancy at all?
Are some lives meant to be empty like this?
Picture of the day:
I was trying to capture the beautiful ruby red color of the wine as the sun came through it. It didn't turn out quite as I liked.
PS. I survived the haircut. It's not a great cut but I got through it. Thankfully it was a sweet, softspoken gal and not a constant talker. I've been wanting to go to the craft store and buy stuff for a little scrapbook for Greyson. That nearly took my breath away but I finally did that today too.
I don't know why you are going through this and wish you weren't-however I believe that one day you will be a SPECTACULAR mother- a truly AMAZING mother.
ReplyDeletexoxo.
Your picture is good- we need to open one of those together one day!
I'm looking forward to our outing tomorrow!
I don't believe there is a reason that things like these happen. They just do. And bad things have a bad habit of happening to really good people who don't deserve it. That doesn't make them any easier to accept, and in fact probably makes it worse.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful person who has so much love to give children that you are a school teacher and your nieces beg to come spend time with you. You will be an ideal mother. It will come. I have hope for you, so let my hope cover for you on the days when your hope falters. Know I am here wishing and hoping for you. I wish this didn't have to be such a difficult journey for you. If anyone deserves the joys of motherhood it is you. Hang in there.
love, inB
I personally no longer believe that there is a reason for everything. Some things just happen and they can really suck. I'm sorry that you are experiencing one of those things. You will be a wonderful loving mother.
ReplyDeleteI think there is no reason for some of the things that happen, good or bad. Maybe, just as there is no physical reason why you lost your son, there also may not be a spiritual reason. It's frustrating, unsettling, and definitely not fair.
ReplyDeleteYou deserve to be happy and you will be one day. I don't know you personally, but I bet if I did, it would be just as I suspect, you are a good, kind, and special person. Try to see that in yourself.
The pic, by the way, should be in a magazine.
Yay for tackling those challenging tasks. That must have been hard buying scrapbook items for Greyson's book. BTW I think i have a couple of pictures to send you.
ReplyDeleteThe Picture really is pretty. I like how you kept the window frame in the background,dof, and the color of the wine. Looks inviting.
P- As to "why?", we may never know or be able to understand it if we did find out. There may not be a reason. It just suck that you're dealing with this loss and with no clear answers. You are a very loving daughter, aunt, friend, sister, teacher, and mother. I sincerely hope one day you will have another child to shower with all that love.
From just having gotten to know you on this blog... it sounds like you would be a brilliant mother :) The fact that you can even think of so many others as reason why... is testament to the fact that you are a truly caring and compassionate person xoxo
ReplyDeleteI want to bookmark this post...it's so thoughtful and I think you're a wonderful friend, daughter, aunt, teacher...you will rock as a mom! I'm glad you had a good experience with your haircut and that you'll be working on a scrapbook for sweet Greyson.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there was a reason other than some medical issue that no one understands. You are going to be a wondeful mom and it sounds like you are already everything to your family.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else - I really don't think there's a reason why anything happens. Often we can look back at some point and say, "Well, if x hadn't happened, then y wouldn't have and I wouldn't be a z now" but that's all perspective, and not really "it happened for a reason."
ReplyDeleteI really don't believe that your life is meant to be empty. You are someone that deserves a rich and satisfying life and will be a wonderful mother one day.
Still thinking of you Paige! I hate the "why?" question...it's so unfair. : (
ReplyDeleteIf only we had all the answers. I often wonder why too.....so many possibilities, so few that truly resonate. Its hard to come to acceptance when we don't understand why. No fun, no fair. Wish I could share that bottle with ya. Xoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteWhy. Good question. Probably no answer.
ReplyDeleteBut I do know it doesn't mean you are not going to be a mother one day, and reading about how your nieces and kids in your class love you, I know you'll be a wonderful mother!