Water and Sand

My second time going to water aerobics, there was a different teacher this time. The other teacher was about my age and very protective of the oldsters. She would make jokes and flirt a little with the men. We all love her. This teacher was nearly a child, I'm thinking she was at the most 19 or 20. She was demanding with the exercise moves and very strict with all the grannies. She kept saying things like, "This class is not called Splash and Gab." when they were talking too much. Seems to me that this is the main social interaction for many of them. It seems unnecessary to be so controlling and strict. I wanted to tell her to shut up and let them talk, but they seemed used to it and no one complained. Besides I was too out of breath to say anything.

I spent the afternoon in the sand pile with DollFace. C. and Stretch are visiting relatives in Memphis, C. thought some bonding time would help Stretch's recent growing pains (read attitude). It was a beautiful, windy spring day and DollFace never ceases to amaze me with her imagination and sense of humor. My favorite 5 year old. She's spending the night with me tonight so she doesn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the farm with her dad. Undressing all the baby dolls seems to be on the agenda for the evening.

My possible transfer date is May 11 or so. Seems far off, but not really. Sometimes I can't believe that I've set this whole thing in motion. I've never done anything as important as this.

Calendar Day

Yes, friends, we have a calendar! A beautiful, colorful calendar that brings me closer to my baby!

And what seems to be a very large number of syringes and needles.
I met with Connie at the clinic today and she told me all about my calendar and all the blood work, ultrasounds, meds and injections I'd be taking starting April 22. I understand everything, what each item is for and when and how to take it but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little overwhelmed. I've already looked at the calendar about 5 times, ok...more like 12. Yowza, that is quite a bit of time off work for blood work and appointments. And those needles for the intramuscular shots look a bit....loooonngg.

I knew that my lovely donor had a calendar meeting yesterday so I jokingly asked Connie if she was beautiful and intelligent, hoping to get some contraband info. She casually told me that when the donor came in for her first ultrasound a few weeks ago she was very quiet and standoffish and that she and the doctor even talked about it afterward wondering if she'd be ok with the whole donor process. My heart about stopped! After meeting with her yesterday, though, Connie said she was a totally different person and must have been really nervous about the first ultrasound. Of course she was! She's a young girl and we all know your first transvag isn't a party. Connie told me she feels good about the donor now. Whew!

I'm really feeling like I should write my lovely donor some sort of note of encouragement. It never occurred to me that she would be scared. But maybe it's best to leave it alone. I was planning on writing a letter after retrieval and keeping everything very anonymous up until then. I'll have to think about it.

Channeling Esther Williams

I went to water aerobics today. Yes, water aerobics, where I huff and puff around the pool doing exercise moves I could no way in hell do outside the water. Let me tell you it's not pretty and in no way resembles this: (not even in my imagination)

First of all, let's not even discuss getting into the swimsuit for the first time this season. I would have liked to cover up more, wear a t-shirt or something. I was wondering if I would feel completely out of place if I showed up in something like these stylish young people are sporting:

I began taking water exercise classes a few years ago when I had trouble with my knees. Being in the water was better than any drug for my knee pain. I loved going because I knew I would be pain free for the rest of the day. I also liked that it was a reason to get up and get moving early in the morning during vacations.

But this time, I don't know. I just felt...like here I am again, still fat, still bumbling around in the water with the oldsters. Don't get me wrong, I really admire the seniors who are able to get moving like that at their age. I used to be inspired by them. They seem so sprightly and have such good attitudes. I'm the youngest person in the class by about 30 years and the tallest by at least 6 inches. It used to make me feel good, like the hot, young babe of the class. But I wasn't feeling youthful or hot today. I just felt....old.

Then I came home an pottered around, or is it puttered around the house. The big event was getting emissions testing for the car.

The doubts crowd in. Am I too old to become a parent? Will I be able to keep up with a youngster? My parents are getting older, will they be able to help me as much as I've been counting on? Before infertility I never felt "old" or thought about being too "old".

Please wait while I tamp down the doubt and talk myself out of these stupid thoughts.....

I believe with all my heart that this is the perfect time for me to be starting my family. If I am truly meant to be a parent as I believe I am, then I WILL become a parent. I am NOT old but am young of heart, spirit, mind and body. Having a youngster around will KEEP me young and vital.

There that's better, now, off to find an early bird special for supper. Hehehe

My Security Blanket

On the day that I received the news that my eggs were dried up, I came home and crawled into the pajamas I had worn the night before and didn't crawl out for two days. There was nothing special about these pajamas. I have many that are newer or more comfortable. These just happen to be the ones that were the most accessible when all I could think about was throwing myself into bed and crying until I couldn't cry anymore.

They weren't even my favorite jammies but they became my security blanket. Ancient flannel washed to softness and ready to comfort. They came with some froggie slippers that disintegrated years ago. I wore them when I couldn't stop crying, when I was angry with the myself for waiting so long, when I wanted to hide from the world. I wore them when I was grieving the children I would never have and when I was so angry at God I was unable to pray for help. And I've worn them when the light started shining a little again and while pouring over egg donor profiles. I've worn these P.J.s every night since I was told that bearing my own genetic children would not be possible. Every night. And a few days as well.
Now springtime weather is creeping in and my froggie jammies are almost uncomfortable. I know I'll soon have to fold my security blanket away in a drawer for the season. I'm unsure that I'm ready to put away my sadness about having to abandon my own genetics. I'm confident and sure about the donor egg situation but there may always be a tiny piece of me that is missing a child that would have carried my DNA.

When cooler weather rolls around again, I wonder if bringing out these tired jammies will be a painful reminder of what I've gone through this winter or if I'll only remember the comfort they brought me.

First Day of Spring Break

I expected a loss when I stepped on the scale this week. Ok, nutrition hasn't been perfect, but when is it ever perfect? I thought I'd done pretty well overall. Again, I have stayed the same. Again! I'm getting frustrated and I want to quit. If I'm not going to lose weight I may as well eat what I want and not have the hassle of tracking.

Sigh....I'm NOT going to quit, though. At my size, I know I can never stop trying. I'm hoping it might be partially the birth control, partially PMS and partially some chub turning to muscle.

My hair stylist is studying kinesiology and hopes to be a personal trainer someday. I call her my faux trainer. She has advised me to eat more protein and fiber and cut back on carbs and continue exercising. That's pretty much what she always advises me to do. Guess that's what I'll try to do, just like I always do.

She also gave me this fab 'do

And folks, when I say the color is red, it is RED! Red like a crayon is red. The pic is bright but doesn't really show how very bright. Makes me feel pretty darn HOT!

I purchased a replacement for my dying computer:

A middle of the road Dell. My first laptop. Thank God for 18 months free financing. It's barely out of the box and I'm still relying on my old pc for now, but looking forward to the freedom of a laptop.

I've read so much about acupuncture and infertility I thought I'd look into it. I NEVER thought there would be a practitioner in my small town. I just knew I'd have to trek into St. Louis for something like that, but I was wrong. There are a few in my town and one is a country girl who grew up out here in the sticks and was a schoolmate of my dad's. I guess I was far out of line when I pictured the wizened older woman of Asian ancestry. I'm going to make some calls next week and check into it. May as well give myself every advantage that I can.

Sugarpalooza

Today was the last day of school before Spring Break. Yay! Not like I have big, exciting plans but it's good to have a break. I know the days will somehow fill up and I must make an effort to be very active and not lay around all day. I'm thinking of driving half a day to see the Laura Ingalls Wilder museum in southern Missouri. Maybe I'll take DollFace to the Magic House in St. Louis or to the zoo one day. And of course I'll be getting my IVF calendar on TUESDAY!

There were so many sweets around school today and I just could NOT stop myself. I think I've done pretty good all week but it's funny how I really never blog about that. I've stayed well within my calorie range everyday and even during today's sugarpalooza I've managed to stay within range, barely and I'll only stay in range if I don't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I've walked four days so if I go tomorrow or Sunday it's a bonus.

I picked up an application for a summer school teaching position. I'm having a tough time deciding if I should fill it out and turn it in. It would be good to get my feet wet teaching in the classroom again in case I have to change positions next year and Lord knows I could really use the cash to help defray medical expenses. This program is very strict about attendance and docks you heavily if you have to miss. If the IVF is successful I'll be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy, but should that stop me? I could just as easily be mending the broken heart of disappointment, might be good to have another focus and structure to my days.

Blue Screen of Death

I was so happy to be able to meet with my kids today. It seems like it's the first day in a long time that we've had our regular schedule..... but then....

I was pulled out two different times for RTI meetings. This is a committee that tries to meet the needs of students who are especially at risk and have shown through behavior, academics, health issues or truancy that they are in need of extra support. One meeting was very awkward because the parent was very accusatory toward the child's teacher and wanted to argue with everything that was said.

The other meeting angered me because the child's mother (who was not at the meeting) doesn't seem to want anything to do with him while she has two daughters who are living with her and her boyfriend's children visit often as well. She also will not sign off on the child getting counseling. The father is in prison and will be for a long time. Thank God, this child has very caring grandparents but he's dealing with severe depression issues that NO second grader should have to deal with. He is a delightful, smart and funny kid. I swear I could beat this woman for treating her precious child this way.

There has been more than the usual drama filled gossip going around. Our administrators have taken a pay freeze for next year and the word is that they will be asking us to do the same. Every evening another area school district is on the news talking about cutting teaching positions.

And when I got home and turned on my computer I was greeted with the Blue Screen of Death. My heart sank right into my stomach and I must have gasped because DollFace was extremely concerned and comforting. E. was able to save my pictures and my baby making files, but I'm not sure I'll be able to save my music. I was able to get the old girl up and running to track my food and blog but it seems very glitchy and tenuous. I will try to keep up with ICLW but hope everyone understands if I'm not able to. I knew I was living on borrowed time and I had planned to use my tax return this year to buy a new computer but decided to put it toward the upcoming medical bills and just limp along with the old computer which had been functioning fine. Now, I have no choice but to replace it. And soon.

One bright spot...Connie from my clinic called me. Yes, SHE called ME to set up an appointment to review my IVF calendar, medication and injections. I was surprised and pleased, considering the communication problems I've had in the past with this clinic. I was ready to make the call myself to ask about the calendar and I'm glad I didn't have to


Another little step closer:


Yesterday's beautiful spring day has become today's wind, rain and cold. I wish I was on this beach!

Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop

HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES
*Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
*Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
*Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
*Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
*Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this better basket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
*Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).

*Please note that only one blog post by each blog will count towards the donation.

I'm passing along the basket to YOU, Samatha!

Thanks, Fickle for giving me a blogging "vacation"!

Springtime Surprise

I took DollFace to the park after school to feed the ducks. I have been carrying a fossilized loaf of bread around in the car for just such an occasion. There were no ducks at the park today, only a few geese and these geese were the most satisfied, overfed geese I've ever seen. As if saying, "Lady I'm not swimming over there for anything less than a fresh, hot French fry, please take away your stale loaf."

I have stayed within my calorie range, but I need to do something about my afternoon snack. It's not substantial enough and I'm starving when I get home so it's too easy to dig right in to cooking supper and afterwards it's too late to walk. I did get in a brief after supper walk though and these spring beauties greeted me on the way back.

My grandmother's springtime surprise to me every year. I sure didn't plant them and I forget about them until they spring up every year.

Here is my diva, Zoe, wondering why I don't grow grass for her inside the house.

ICLW!

What's this? What a pleasant surprise to check into my blog and find 8 comments! I almost forgot that I signed up for International Comment Leaving Week. Welcome to new readers and as always, thank you to old ones.

Things might be a little boring around the old blog for the next few weeks. I'm in a holding pattern as far as TTC is concerned. I'll start taking serious medication one month from today and have a donor egg cycle in May. Can't wait...

School is humming right along. I actually got to meet with my student groups today. Between conferences and other things going on at school, it seems I haven't been able to do my normal reading interventions. Tomorrow begins a two day professional development session so I'll miss them again.

I've, yet again, regrouped on the weight loss front. My goals this week are to exercise at least 4 times this week and stay within my calorie range everyday. The exercises part should be easy if the weather stays pretty. I had a lovely walk on the bike trail this evening. Eating will be a struggle as it always is for me.

Now off to leave some comments.....