BDB/ADB

I'm finding that time has been split into BDB (Before Dead Baby) and obviously ADB (After Dead Baby).

BDB-I would have written about drama going on at school. Because of a simple miscommunication an older battleax of a teacher (yes, it's KO of former glory) is saying that a younger teacher is a liar and the younger teacher and her friend were crying and saying how much they hated working at our school. I would have written how upset I was about it all.

ADB-I'm not upset but have decided that I work with children and I don't mean my students. I want to tell the older one to stop being such a battleax and I want to yell at the younger ones that none of this crap matters since they have children who are alive so shut up with the stupid crying.

BDB-I would have told you about the choices I've made for the kitchen remodel. I would have been excitedly planning where I would store baby bottles and sippy cups. I would have imagined a high chair in the dining area and a laughing toddler along with it, spaghetti sauce in his hair and noodles on the floor.

ABD-I can tell you that it was a slow chore to have made almost all the decisions for the remodel because I don't trust myself in my current mental state and I know I'll have to look at these choices for the rest of my life. I will go in tomorrow to make the official order and put money down. I look at all the cabinets and wonder what a childless, singleton needs with all that space within a fine new kitchen. I don't deserve it and wonder if I've wasted money I should be hoarding for some sort of adoption.

BDB-I would have written that it was a great weekend including circle time with the Yas on Friday, celebrating a friend's 50th birthday at Tucker's in Soulard on Saturday and three dinner invitations on Sunday. I ended up at E's and it did my heart good to see my nieces. I would have written about all the laughs and good memories made. BDB I would have written that it really was a great weekend.

ADB - I could write the same thing but I have to add that my heart felt so low all weekend. When I'm with friends and family I'm able to be distracted. I genuinely laugh and smile. I'm almost to the point that I can forget my pain for a while but then the social event ends and my heart drops. I spent a lot of time crying this weekend too.

BDB-I would have written about being 28 weeks pregnant now. Maybe I would have written about Sweet Pea doing inutero jumping jacks or the latest ultrasound or having to pee all the time or getting a larger belly and starting to feel encumbered by it. Maybe I'd be writing about a baby shower.

ADB-I tell you my heart hurts continuously with missing my Sweet Pea and I wish everyday that he'd stayed.

BDB-I would be planning for our future.

ADB-I wonder everyday what is going to become of me.

Reiki, Part 2

After blogging last night, I opened an email from my mother. I guess she's been feeling that her grief is "getting in my way" and feels guilty about crying in front of me. We've been having an email exchange about it. Anyway, within the latest email she talks about my great grandmother:
"Remember the story about Grandmother Yevette seeing a golden light surround you as Grandpa baptized you. She told that story many times through the years & I'm sure it happened exactly the way she said."

Ummm... I don't remember ever hearing this story before. Mom strikes again. I couldn't help but wonder about the timing of it. I'd just had golden light around me as part of this mystical Reiki experience and she tells me about Grandma Yvette seeing golden light around me as an infant. It all seems a little unworldly to me.

I asked her about it tonight and she said Grandma Y talked about it a lot when I was a small child. When Grandpa Williams sprinkled the water on my forehead Grandma Y saw a gold light "come out" and surrounded me. She said it stayed with me for the rest of the service. I tried to press Mom for more details but she couldn't remember much more.

In the first 10 seconds of laying eyes on me this morning, Jae, who has some experience with Reiki, noticed something different. "Reiki was wonderful for you, wasn't it?" she asked. She said she I looked 26 pounds lighter and 10 years younger. That my skin looked lighter and alive again. When I checked myself out in the mirror, I had to agree with her. The clinched, tight look has loosened and wrinkles that were starting to form between my eyes were less pronounced. I think this experience with Reiki has been life changing...such as life is these days. I haven't been able to recognize my eyes in the mirror since losing Greyson, but this time when I looked, I saw a tiny glint of the Paige I'm familiar with peeking out at me.

I went to visit Greyson's grave after school and I didn't cry. I didn't really feel at peace but sort of numb.

I still feel plenty of pain and have cried at other times today but something has definitely changed.

Reiki Healing Massage

Reiki massage. I would go back everyday if I could. I haven't breathed this easy for a very long time. It was a heaven-like break for my brain. For the most part, the only thoughts I had while she was working on me were about the sensations going on in my body and being aware of my breathing. I do believe some hippy trippy healing went on inside my body.

The sensation of energy (or spirit or soul or divinity or whatever) moving in and out and around in my body was real. She started by putting her hands on my legs and I immediately felt a lot of tugging sensations in my uterus area. She asked me to envision golden light surrounding my head and that I was breathing in the golden light. These visions came to me easily and gave me a warm feeling. At one point the light went dark and toward the end I envisioned beautiful golden sparks flying out of my head but I wonder now if they were really trying to go into my head not out.

Different points that she worked on my body created different sensations. When she was working on my shoulders and head, I felt butterflies in my stomach and a very warm melting sensation around the points she was working. At this time, my tight chest loosened up and my breathing that has been "heavy" feeling since I lost Greyson became very effortless and light feeling. My whole body felt very weightless, I almost felt as if I was escaping my body for moments at a time. Like I was trying to have an out of body experience, but the energy kept circling back inside me. The grapefruit sized knot I carry with me in my neck loosened and became very warm and melty feeling.

She worked on my head and I could feel the areas where I usually feel dizziness change. For a time I became very dizzy and sort of high feeling but then those feelings fluttered away and this lightness entered my head too. My head felt very empty and weightless. (Insert appropriate joke here :)

Afterwards I became very tearful and thanked her for her work. Beforehand I had told her about the still birth, dizzy spells, headaches and this huge knot at the base of my neck. Afterwards I asked her to tell me about myself. I can't remember a lot of what she said but they were all things you would expect related to what I had told her. She said my pelvic area feels empty and injured because I'm still healing. Something about the pancreas but I don't remember what. My diaphragm was very tight and was holding in bad energy which is why it's been difficult to breath. She said it felt like I'd had a very bad blow to the diaphragm which is related to the respiratory system. But then she said something about resetting something, I can't remember what, because I was having trouble sleeping so resetting this would help correct the sleeping problem. I hadn't told her I was having trouble sleeping.

Then she gave me instructions about detoxing over the next few days by drinking more water than usual and putting lemon into it, eating raw apples and taking a bath with salt and vinegar in it. She said that the bad energy let loose in the body heads for bloodstream and then the liver so we need to help the body get rid of those toxins.

I scheduled a whole hour next month.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sidenote: When I first went in there and told her about losing Greyson, she immediately asked me if I had a support group. I just blurted out what happened with the baby showing up at the meeting last night. She was horrified and offered to mention something to the leader. Turns out she founded that very support group years ago. The randomness of the world.....

Support Group Baby

I think I forgot to mention that the first time I went to the support group in December there was a hugely pregnant woman there. I get why. It must be very worrisome and stressful to be pregnant after a loss.

The woman was there tonight too and SHE BROUGHT THE BABY. It was only 10 days old.

Really?
Really?
REALLY??

They were very polite about it and said if it bothered anyone the husband could take the baby into the hallway.

I didn't want to be the one to say that the baby being there bothered me.

Halfway through the meeting, she breast fed it.
Right there in front of a bunch of grieving mothers.

The other three people there seemed like long time friends of this woman and
wanted to see and fuss over the baby.

THAT BABY BEING THERE BOTHERED ME!

Commercial

I've seen a commercial for my fertility clinic twice today.
They are having free seminars and giving away an IVF cycle.
This place is a complete sell out.
I know first hand that their cycles fill up fast.
Why would they need to advertise and give away prizes?
I guess it's all about making money.

I sort of panic when I think about how even as I type this the cycles are filling up fast.
I have to hurry and get myself together so I can sign up to try again during the month I want, instead of the month they say they have room for me.

As my mother reminded me when I talked to her about being sure I (and she) was ready to handle it all again including the possiblity of another loss before contacting the doctor,
"I hate to remind you of this, but you ARE getting older."

Thanks, Mom.

Calling All Believers

My God.

My Lord.

My Father.

My whole life I knew in the deepest part of my being that God had a plan for me. He knew every breath I took, numbered the hairs on my head, knit my bones in the womb with joy. It was comforting to know this. I believed that every little thing happened for a reason. It felt safe to be in God's hands. I felt loved.

Back then, even in my darkest days, I knew I had immeasurable joy in front of me. I knew God wanted me to be happy.

I was as sure of him and his plan for me as I was of taking the next breath. I prayed everynight in good times and bad. For years, asking God to send my child and then giving thanks daily after I was pregnant. I used to talk to God like he was my friend. I used to trust him.

In the time right after I lost Greyson, everything I thought I knew about my God was destroyed. I stopped believing there was a God. The God I was so close with had disappeared.

I couldn't believe this was part of our plan.

The most frightening thing was that I didn't feel my Lord anywhere around me. I didn't feel held or planned for or loved at all. In those early days, I felt nothing in the way of faith, only a void where God used to be. There are still many dark and scary days when I feel this way.

And later, there was plenty of anger for a God who would cause this kind of devastation in my life. What kind of God only gives a baby 20 weeks of life? What kind of God only gives a woman 20 weeks of happiness? What kind of plan for my life could involve me leaving the planet without being a mother?

I still don't believe my child died for a reason. I'll never accept that. At times when I used to see God working in my life, I now only see the randomness of the world.

I know it is not God who has changed but me. My heart is full of pain and shut tight, not allowing him in. Some days I do feel my belief that there actually is a God returning. But I don't recognize the God who is with me now. A God who seems uncaring and cruel. There have been a few times that I've squeezed out genuine prayers but mostly, when I start to pray, I just trail off and am not able to finish the thought. It's a terrifying feeling to be living this life without faith and to feel that God is an unkind stranger. Like walking a tightrope without a net, the fear of falling and dying is real.

After Greyson's funeral, I talked about not being able to feel God anywhere around me to Pastor Jackie. I asked her to talk to God for me, as I was not able to myself. If you're reading and you are a believer, I ask you to do the same.

I don't think I'll be able to move forward until I'm right with God and I'm unsure of how to make this happen.

Every week I think about going to Pastor Jackie's church. Every week I don't go and I wonder if it's hypocritical to attend church without faith.

Please ask him to hurry because I'm scared and I need him.

Blogkeeping

I've got a couple heavy blog entries cooking in my brain but don't have the stamina to get into them tonight. Just a few house blogkeeping items:

Fourteen inches of snow and a Snow Day yesterday but back to school today. It was one degree when I left the house this morning. We were one of the few schools in attendance around here. I had eight students show up. Quite a few Snow Days for us so far which works out for me since I'm still having a tough time handling school sometimes, especially after several days in a row. In the past I would have said that things always happen the way they should, i.e. if you need relief, you get it. Now, I know it's just the scientific interaction of temperature, water and air pressure.

I was going to show the kids a movie on the smartboard this afternoon and something weird happened. When I put in the movie disc and clicked play....our ultrasound video started playing. Without a disc or anything. Somehow the file had saved on the computer, I guess. Jae helped me figure out how to delete it after school.

Oh my boy...he was so beautiful.

You may have noticed my anger post was reposted. I accidentally wrote my last name with Greyson's first name in that post. I don't mind if you, my blog friends, know my last name but don't want any baddies knowing it or if someone I know were to for some reason search my name or his and come up with the blog and all the raw, ugly personal stuff on here. I tried just deleting the last name from the post but that didn't work so I thought I'd try deleting the whole post and reposting it without the name. Now, the blog doesn't pop up if you search me but it does if you search him. I can't imagine who would be searching him but you never know. I don't really want to shut down this blog and start over somewhere else. Any ideas?

Inbetween: Thanks for the advice on the prof. It's a public university. I'm thinking about writing that letter. Thank you for caring enough to post that comment.

Nell: Thanks for the email. I'll take care of that item.

I've decided to stop worrying if the stuff I do or think is crazy. Maybe it is. SO WHAT???

I think I'll soon have to throw myself into something. No, not a lake or a ravine. Something to immerse myself in totally to help me move forward and keep my mind occupied. The only thing I can think of is weight loss.

I'm DIZZY! Not ditzy...dizzy. Ever since losing Greyson I've had dizzy spells. It was fun at first but in the past few days, they've gotten quite severe. I don't have high or low blood pressure or ear problems. I had thought it might be hormonal but Dr. H took my blood Monday and all the levels were normal. The nurse said to give it a couple weeks and come back if it didn't go away. Anybody else have experience with dizziness after giving birth?

PS...it's been almost 7 weeks. Shouldn't I be getting a period soon????? Or are all my eggs entirely gone now and I'm in menopause at 39????

Slammed

I almost let yesterday's date slip by without remembering that one year ago Dr. AA told me my eggs were nearly nonexistent and rotten. How naive I was back then to think of Dominished Ovarian Reserve as the worst possible thing that could happen. I now laugh bitterly at my innocent self of days gone by. HA HA



Everytime I tried to change my fate, the attempt got wrecked.
And life got worse.



Everytime I dragged myself from the bottom of hopelessness and gave myself a new chance,
I got slammed down harder and lower than I thought I could ever go.


How much lower is there?
Surely now I've hit bottom.



What if a year from now I'm laughing bitterly at the self I am now?
Because I dragged myself up one last time
and yet again was slammed into the ground.


I won't survive another slam.

Rebounding

I dreamt last night that my long ago coworker came to visit me with her husband and kids while I worked at the mall. At the Gap, I think. I was so happy to see her. When we left, her husband and kids took the car while Sheila and I took a boat. The water was so clear and blue. But we wrecked. I was driving the boat and it was my fault. Sheila was very mad at me.

I feel better today. Physically I'm kicking the flu's butt. Emotionally I hardly cried at all, relatively speaking. I was glad to see my kids. Being around them is so good for me. Especially when they are glad to see me too and behave well for me. They spent the first 30 minutes of the day telling me everything the substitute did wrong. "She didn't even know how we do calendar!" Poor sub.

I must say I'm feeling sane today. I feel half alive, rather than half dead and numb, which is how I usually feel on these 'good' days. Crazy how it can change so drastically from day to day. Speaking of crazy, I know I just said I feel sane but I did something a little crazy today.

I bought a book for Greyson. It didn't feel crazy at the time. It made me feel his love. It made me warm.

Whereever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman


"I wanted you more than you’ll ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go. . . . "

“So climb any mountain…climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly

"You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Remember I was being silly and worrying about Greyson in Heaven? Well, reading this book really helped me. My love grew him and my love can fly! We're not really separated at all. Only in the flesh are we apart. I also thought about Greyson's funeral service which focused on Psalms 139 part of which talks about God being with you no matter how far in the depths you are.

I'll be with Greyson again.

My faith will return.

Somehow...

PS I just evaded a phone call from the horrid professor who made me write that final days after I lost Greyson and who called the night of the first class of this semester which I'd dropped to ask why I wasn't there. What the hell could she want? Why can't she just leave me alone?

The Most Important Person

I stayed home from work today and do feel a little better. In the late afternoon, I got a call from the tile lady saying she had some samples in for me to look at and because I'd been cooped up all day and was actually sore from laying around so much I took myself to look at them. As I left the tile place, I was relieved because I'd pulled off making the tile lady think I was normal. I'd interacted with her face to face for a considerable amount of time without crying or choking up. I was able to focus on the decisions before me.

I'd hidden the fact that I'm a grieving mother who has lost her only child only six weeks ago.

Tile lady will never know that I was the mother to a very special boy albeit entirely too briefly.
She will never know Greyson P existed on earth.

Nor will others that I may interact with over the course of my life.

Greyson was the most important thing I've ever done.
The most important person in my life.
It makes my heart ache to know that others will not know him
or know of him.

I have to figure out a way to honor Greyson so I can begin to let him go.
I understand this.
But I can't think of a way right now and I'm not able to let go.
Missing him,
wishing he were still here,
the undeniable hollow where he should be.
These are the last experiences I'll have with my little one and I can't leave them yet.
It's only been six weeks.
Not long enough to say good bye to the most important person in my life.
I'm not ready.

I love you, Greyson P.
You wrote upon my heart and made it expand exponentially.
Momma won't ever forget you were here.