Haha Hoho Hehe

So today started off pretty well, I put on some music and had to laugh when I hit shuffle on my ipod and this song:

popped up. I really had a chuckle. Haha, hoho, hehe. Considering I wrote about feeling mentally ill yesterday. I had a pretty good morning. Got a lot of things done on my list. I was really looking forward to taking the girls to the drive in movies tonight and the zoo tomorrow.

Around noon C called to say that Stretch had gone to a water park with a friend and she wouldn't be able to go to the drive in with me as we had planned, but did I still want to take DollFace. She said Stretch had spent the night with this friend and the mom had just taken them to the water park and C didn't know about it until now when she'd just called. I'm really doubting this is true. Would a mother just take another child somewhere like that without asking the other mother's permission? I know this is a new friend for Stretch. Anyway, I was very disappointed. It seems I'm always the one brushed aside.

Biggest Loser style I went for a walk and decided to really push myself.

I fell down.

My ankle gave way and I fell down. I was on the bike trail, no one around, what could they do for a person of my size anyway? I'm relieved there was no one to see me start wailing. It was just more than I could take. Road rash on knees and hands, ankle throbbing I made my way back home. I think adrenaline kicked in because it hurts more now. It's probably minor, be ok in a day or two. The worst part is that I won't be able to take the girls to the zoo tomorrow as I had planned.

Now, even though it's 5pm, I've showered, taken ibuprofen and I'm in my jammies.

Can this weekend please be over. Soon.

Crabby Pants

A discontented, crabby day. What the heck is wrong with me? It is as though those things that usually make people happy have the opposite effect on me. Here I have a few days off and today seemed so long, I would start something and then become disinterested. C had invited me to their campground to hang out at the lake but I didn't go. The house is a pit but I didn't do any cleaning other than dishes. I am so fed up with my eating program, I want to quit. I've been forcing myself to eat things I don't really care for because they are good for me. I would tell myself it's like medicine and I'd down the vegetables. It was fine while I was at work, but here, with nothing to distract me? Yuck! I only gagged down a few bites of lunch and was having mad, mad cravings and was so hungry and literally unable to distract myself. I finally downed a spoonful of peanut butter but that didn't stop me. Only a kitkat did that. Why do I make it so drastic? I always do this and I always fail. grrrrrrrrrrrr I feel mentally ill and not myself.

I don't understand what happened? Yesterday I was so relaxed and feeling good about becoming healthier. Today I'm on Crazy Train. I'm making a list of things to do tomorrow. And I have to figure out what to do about my meals. I can't just keep eating stuff I don't like.

Last Day Of Preschool

Dear DollFace,

Today was your last day of preschool. I wanted to tell you about the happy experience I've had of picking you up from school several times a week. When school started, I thought you were such a brave little girl going off into the unknown on your own. You had never been in daycare or school before and in August you began not one but two new schools. Daycare in the morning and preschool in the afternoon.

At first, when I picked you up you would be so tired you would cry and cry for your mommy, but after a few weeks (and bribery with gum) you were happy to see me. When you saw me waiting at the front door of the school you would smile your pretty smile and hurry to jump into my arms. I would say, "How is my favorite 5 year old?" As we walked to the car you would hold my hand and jump over the lines on the parking lot "1, 2, 3, Jump!" you would shout. I would ask questions about your day. I guess I asked the same questions too many times because one day you said, "You know how you ask me those questions all the time, all the time, all the time? It annoys me!". I had a good laugh and tried to vary my questions after that.

On the way home, we liked to play word games or sing songs. Your favorite game was called "Thinking of an Animal". I would think of an animal and give you clues about it and you would guess which animal I was thinking of, then it would be your turn. Your first clue was always, "I'm thinking of an animal that is on Madagascar!". After a few weeks of this, I would shout "Nooooo! Not Madagascar!" when you were saying it. That made you laugh every time.

Another game you liked was "The Rhyming Game". We took turns choosing two rhyming words. We would say, "cat, sat, they both say at". You became good at rhyming through playing that game. We also sang songs and nursery rhymes on the drive home. Some of your favorites were: The Wheels on the Bus, Five Little Pumpkins (which we were still singing at Easter time), The Pizza Song, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Many times when we got home we would walk over to Paw Paw's farm where you were interested in everything that was going on, from tractor repairs with your dad, milking cows with Paw Paw or gardening or crafts with Maw Maw. This was especially fun in the spring when there were 4 litters of kittens and a flock of baby chicks to check on. You never tired of playing with the babies. Only for you and your sister would I climb the ladder into the hayloft to visit two of the litters.

When we stayed at my house, we would play Hide and Seek and you loved to hide in my ottoman or under the comforter and when it was my turn to hide you would panic if you couldn't find me right away. After a while I would always hide in the shower so you could find me easily. You also liked to "help" me in the kitchen and would often ask to bake cookies. You loved to play with my cat and dog. I had you convinced that I knew what my animals were saying. Zoe would meow or Clara would come to see what we were up to and you'd ask me, "What did they say?" You really tried to "hear" what they were saying too.

This was your favorite toy at my house:
This was one of your favorite books:
You were always a happy, funny, loving child but sometimes you were ornery too. You always seemed to be able to find a permanent marker and one time you wrote on my computer screen. You loved to jump on my bed and roughhouse. You would bicker with your sister, who you called your "stister". You had no interest in learning to tie your shoes or ride a bike and you were stubborn about it. When I asked you when you were going to learn, you would say, "When I grow up."

Now I feel like you have grown up, ready to go off to Kindergarten. I have really enjoyed being your Aunt this year and I will miss our after school time together. I can't wait to see the smart, sweet school kid you will become.

I love you very much,

Your Aunt Paige

It's Official, I'm A Cyclist!

I did it! Today after four false starts, I not only set the alarm, got up and got dressed but I actually got on my bike and rode it. Finally! I didn't go very far but I didn't push myself either. I wanted to start with a short distance so that in the future I can gauge how far to go in the time I have. I did it!

Last day of school! I really need a break. My co-workers were on my nerves big time this week. Or I could have just been grumpy because I've been waking up an hour early each day and it's been very hot in the school building. Now, four glorious days off....

Weary Wednesday for Real This Time

Wow....did I really do this? Did I really title my blog post Weary Wednesday, when it was actually Tiring Tuesday? There must be a lot going on for me to make a goof like that. Today was the last day with kids at school. It was a fun celebration day with different stations set up at a nearby park. I woke up convinced it was Friday and got really upset for a few seconds when I logged onto my bank account and saw that my paycheck had not been deposited. I feel like such a moron.

Still doing well with eating healthy. Again got up at 4:45 and did not get on my bike. Tomorrow I'm going to try putting my clothes right by the alarm clock. My goal is to get up early and ride my bike or walk every day of summer school. I know if I can do that, I'll be able to lose weight this summer instead of gain weight like I usually do over summer vacation. It's one of the reasons I signed up to teach summer school.

I'm really enjoying my tiny nighttime treat: As a lifetime connoisseur of M&Ms, I do believe these are the best variety yet.

Weary Wednesday

Whew! Lots going on. I've packed and moved everything I need to at school. Summer school stuff in my friend's office, third grade stuff a classroom and stuff for home in my car. My school does not have air conditioning so let me tell you there was a lot of heave ho and sweat happening on this 90 degree day.

This is the second week of my six week grad class that meets every Monday and Wednesday evening. The professor really is an expert in reading instruction and assessment and is very demanding. She's also written her own book and is an egomaniac. One night we watched 10 year old video of her giving assessments for two hours.

There's not much time to do the work between classes so I've been busy. We write a lot for class so I'll probably be writing less here on my blog. Not much going on in infertility world. Just waiting for my new calendar.

I've done well with eating so far this week....a whopping two days in a row but you have to start somewhere, right? I've gotten up both mornings at 4:30 thinking I would take my bike out. One problem....it's pitch dark at 4:30. This morning I tried to peep out the window periodically. I was intending to get out of bed, when it was bright enough to navigate outside, but I dozed off. Tomorrow I'll try 5:00. I really want to do this, but I guess I'm a little scared. Out on the open road in the near dark, no one else around. Yikes!

Monday Menu

Sooooo.... I ate crappy all weekend long. Really, really crappy. I don't know what happens on the weekends, it's like eating is my only way of letting loose, my only entertainment.

Here is my intended menu for tomorrow:

Breakfast: banana and milk
Lunch: Chicken noodle bowl w/ edamame, broccoli, yogurt covered raisins
Snack: granola bar
Supper: apple, peanut butter, string cheese, almonds
Snack: 1/2 little bag of m&ms

Deliberately light because I ate so, so much today and I have my grad class in the evening so I will have no time to eat a real supper.

I can't believe I'm going to do this, but I'm also intending to get up an hour early to ride my bike. No idea if I'll be able to get up that early or if it will be light enough, but I'm going to try. My coworker Amanda gets up an hour early and goes to the gym, if she can do, I can. Or at least try.

I'm hoping disclosing all this here will hold me accountable.

If getting ready to conceive doesn't inspire me to be healthier, what in the world will?

Third Grade

Looks like I'll be teaching third grade next year. I was very surprised when the principal told me and I'm not too excited about it. I cried for a minute when I told Becky about it. I have loved every moment of being a reading teacher and truly feel it's what I was born to do. I hate, hate, hate that so much education funding has been cut this year. I really, really thought I was going to be teaching first grade next year. I just feel that I'm better with younger students and there's the terrible ISAT testing in third grade and they have worse behavior issues. I will be teaching on a team with someone who is the complete opposite from me. Picture a young, high maintenance, conceited, party girl. I'm full of doubt about the whole situation. I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to be employed.

Good thing there is donor news to pick up my spirits! Connie from the clinic called to tell me to start back on birth control and to discuss future medication. I knew my new donor had donated previously and I asked about the results. There were 30 eggs retrieved, 28 matured and they were able to freeze 11 embryos. The recipient is currently pregnant with twins. I think this is all very good news! The retrieval was April 9th. That was not very long ago. I asked both Connie and Dr. A if a recent donation back in April would effect the outcome of my donation and they both said she should be fine to donate again in July. I believe them, of course, but you know I'll be googling it up tonight.

Shazzam, Part 2

I'm feeling a weird deja vu. Remember this? Replace 5 days early with 7 freaking days early. And that it all seems closer but not really. There is something to be said for having at least gone part way through a donor egg IVF cycle before. I'm much calmer, almost lacking any feelings at all. It could just be exhaustion but it just seems like something to get through so I can eventually get to the main event.

The three day marathon is over and tomorrow is Friday. I've just spent 2 blissful hours on the couch catching up with my blogfriends and chatting with new friends. Ahhhh, so good to be home.

Prayer for Cal'Asia

You just never know what may happen in the course of a day. Today we learned that the mother involved in this incident had a heart attack and died. Apparently Cal'Asia was there when it happened. What more can a child bear? She's come from such a rough home and has so much to overcome. I'm afraid I'll sound harsh and callus and I know the loss of a mother is a heartbreaking thing...but maybe she'll end up better off without that horrible woman in her life. I'll be saying an extra long prayer tonight.