I'm glad I have the great memory of yesterday because today was one crappy day. There was an incident in my literacy lab during a meeting with the principal and J. involving a student named Cal'Asia, her mother, a belt and the police. I do not want to go into details but will say I wish I could take that precious child home and love her as my own.
I want so badly to be the antithesis of that horrible woman I saw in action today. God, please let me prove what a good, loving mother I can be. I have so many good, sweet, kind things to give. Please let me have that chance.
S. called last night and left a message saying she hadn't heard my voice in a long, long time and was quite worried and that she would come over and bang on the door, bring the girls over to bang on the door and as a last resort contact my parents. I called her back this morning and we had a brief chat.
I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't want to talk to her or any of the girls. I don't want to have to talk and talk about the embryo transfer coming up and everything that goes with it. And I don't want the pity, if it doesn't make me pregnant. Not one of them can even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I'm afraid that if I start talking to them, I'll start crying and never stop and they still will not understand a fraction of the emotional crap I've been wading through.
And what's worse....I don't want to listen to them either. I'm at a juncture where my life is going to become amazing or it's going to fall into a dark, dark place. I really don't want to hear S. go on and on about her new boyfriend and upcoming gastric bypass. These seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even though I KNOW they are not trivial at all and a good friend would be wanting to share the excitment with her.
It's not that I don't care, I love my girls but I just want to wrap cotton around myself and protect myself from the outside world. I've been completely turned inward since January 19th, it seems selfish and not the person I usually am. I am so lucky to have great friends, I need to snap out of it, come out of hiding and act normal.
I'm beginning a seven day challenge today. I have stayed the same weight for weeks and weeks now. I'm challenging myself to exercise for 7 days in a row. I'm doing ok on eating, not great but not binging either.