I'm glad I have the great memory of yesterday because today was one crappy day. There was an incident in my literacy lab during a meeting with the principal and J. involving a student named Cal'Asia, her mother, a belt and the police. I do not want to go into details but will say I wish I could take that precious child home and love her as my own.
I want so badly to be the antithesis of that horrible woman I saw in action today. God, please let me prove what a good, loving mother I can be. I have so many good, sweet, kind things to give. Please let me have that chance.
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S. called last night and left a message saying she hadn't heard my voice in a long, long time and was quite worried and that she would come over and bang on the door, bring the girls over to bang on the door and as a last resort contact my parents. I called her back this morning and we had a brief chat.
I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't want to talk to her or any of the girls. I don't want to have to talk and talk about the embryo transfer coming up and everything that goes with it. And I don't want the pity, if it doesn't make me pregnant. Not one of them can even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I'm afraid that if I start talking to them, I'll start crying and never stop and they still will not understand a fraction of the emotional crap I've been wading through.
And what's worse....I don't want to listen to them either. I'm at a juncture where my life is going to become amazing or it's going to fall into a dark, dark place. I really don't want to hear S. go on and on about her new boyfriend and upcoming gastric bypass. These seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even though I KNOW they are not trivial at all and a good friend would be wanting to share the excitment with her.
It's not that I don't care, I love my girls but I just want to wrap cotton around myself and protect myself from the outside world. I've been completely turned inward since January 19th, it seems selfish and not the person I usually am. I am so lucky to have great friends, I need to snap out of it, come out of hiding and act normal.
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I'm beginning a seven day challenge today. I have stayed the same weight for weeks and weeks now. I'm challenging myself to exercise for 7 days in a row. I'm doing ok on eating, not great but not binging either.
I'm proud of you for maintaining the weight Paige!
ReplyDeletePaige, you ARE going to be a fantastic, sweet, kind and loving mother. You are already demonstrating those qualities by doing everything you can to keep that little girl safe.
ReplyDeletePlease don't beat yourself up too much by taking time out for yourself. We all have those moments when we retreat and take time to heal ourselves. Your friends love and want the best for you--and I'm sure will understand.
Exercise is a great idea. Do you like music? When I feel like that, I force myself to listen to happy, upbeat music. (Even though all I want to listen to is sad, mellow music!) It does help.
Here's to happier day tomorrow-
I totally get not wanting to explain or communicate with your BFF right now. That made sense to me in a strange kinf of way. Sometimes it's easier to isolate and sometimes you have to take care of number one. They will understand, that's what lifelong friends do. Just try not to shut them out completely because your going to want them there again, one day, even if not right now.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on maintaining your weight loss. I have been stuck too for a while and tonight I cheated and ate tortilla chips and salsa for Cinco De Mayo. What I really wanted was a Margaritta, but I settled for the chips seeing how I'm in the TWW.
I like your challenge, I just might have to join you.
xoxoxoxox
Sorry it was such a crappy day. I hope tomorrow is better.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to sometimes need a bit of space from your friends. I think many of us feel that once in a while. If needed you could always just say "hey, I love you but I'm just feeling a bit fragile right now and need some space, it's not personal." Hang in there. Hugs to you.
I'm sorry you had such a bad day. Hope today will be better.
ReplyDeleteI think that just the fact that you see these incidents (the poor child) and take it to your heart, indicates that you will be far from such a mother! You are loving and caring and your child will be very happy and proud to have you as his/her mother.
And as for your friends - like battynurse, I too think it's legit to feel right now that you want some timeout. It does not make you any less a friend, it is just that now you need to be alone with yourself and not with them.
It is so hard to talk to friends that don't know what you are going through. There are so many things they can't possibly understand - is there an IF support group in your area? It really is lovely to speak out loud to people about this stuff, even if your IRL friends know, they aren't obsessing over details, they can't understand the endless b/w and shots, the worry about what they consider inconsequential things. I really wish I had more IRL support, but I'm super grateful for the internets!
ReplyDeleteAnd congrats on maintaining weight! Time to break that plateau. Funny story, last night my neighbor (tiny thing) was over and we were talking about how we wished we were the weight on our driver's license (mine is 150 and I'm right at 200) - she is EIGHT pounds over! She totally didn't understand why I was laughing at her - nice that she is so close to her goal!