Thursday, May 13, 2010

Still Spinning

Crazy ups and downs. Coming off these drugs is a bitch! I feel so in-between and confused. I should be ecstatic and relieved that I was able to move on quickly but I'm not quite there yet. I am at times angry and depressed that my cycle was canceled, while feeling relief that I didn't go forward only to experience even greater heartbreak. I should be excited and looking forward to July but I can't see past what seems like a very long wait for something that should be happening NOW. I think my new donor is a perfect match for me but can't seem to drum up the affectionate, protective thoughts I was having for my first donor. I really am happy for all my bloggy friends who are experiencing their pregnancies or actual babies, but I tear up as I read about their joy.

And my boobs hurt.
And I'm horny as hell.

At lunch, I had to leave the lounge abruptly when the "birthing round table" opened up, as it does sometimes when groups of women are together. Every one has to tell their birthing story or their friend' seems to go on and on. I try not to be resentful, I know if I had a story I would be right in there sharing too. Today I just had to very quickly get out of there before I lost it.

One of my students, Justin, is a first grader who has been struggling and struggling all year to learn to read. Today he read a level 6 book. A level 6! I was so excited I took him all over the school and made him read it to everyone including the school secretary. A moment to help me remember that eventually the struggle is worth it.


  1. I completely understand if it is too hard to read my blog but I just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking about you daily, reading your blog and praying for the day you get your BFP this summer!

  2. That is such a great lesson to learn and I'm sure you made his day with showing off like that.

    Be angry, throw fits and walk off when you need to. I can't blame you one bit cause I know I would. It was wrong that you had to cancel. Even though thats done with, you still have all that other mess to deal with. Only natural. With that last sentence, it sounds like you'll hold up just fine.

    July will be good for you, I hope!

  3. Oh Paige, I am so sorry - and I feel terrible that I am just catching up on your blog after a horrid couple of days! I SO know exactly how you feel (about the donor situation) - our first donor was a poor responder but they DIDN'T cancel. I was too stupid about IVF at the time to know - we ended up with one egg to transfer (one's all you need, right?!) and of course it didn't take. Heartbreaking, and at least your doc made the right call and you saved a bit of time and lots of money. Hopefully the new donor will be a better fit. As I went through my 3 donors I became more detatched each time, still hugely grateful but not as "involved" with them emotionally. I would never go for an unproven donor again. Good luck hon, thinking of you

  4. I totally identify with how you're feeling right now! I keep tying to remain positive but can't help being frustrated with the wait! I agree with Gille, be angry, throw fits! Allow yourself the outlet...I hear you about the baby stories too! There's a woman here at work who's pregnant & the day I returned after my miscarriage (no one at work knows I'm TTC) she brought in her 1st U/S pics...I had to smile when inside I was dying!

    Big hugs to you!

  5. Paige, I would be feeling the same. I think a part of you has to grieve the loss of the cycle being cancelled as well as your intended donor. And then add meds to the equation and there you have the perfect recipe for a roller coaster ride from hell! I know it will take time ro process it all, but you will find yourself sitting in a delightful place yet again. Don't force yourself to get there, it will happen...all in due time.

  6. It will take a while before that hormone roller coaster ride is back to a calm level. Hang in there and whenever you're feeling like your emotions are running you ragged just remind yourself that it will pass and it's not you, it's the Lupron etc. Hugs to you.

  7. I am so sorry you are in such pain, physically and emotionally. It really really sucks not even being able to cycle.
    Love your lesson from the boy.
    ~big giant hugs~

  8. dang hormones! Do we ever get a break from them? hope they make a quick exit so you can get back on the train! you made the right move to exit the birthing table quickly. I would still do that even pg. It still hurts and honestly I don't want to listen to that anytime soon. The scars of this journey take a while to heal.

  9. Ugh. I absolutely know this pain. I am still a bit in love with our first donor. Sometimes I fantasize about running into her and introducing myself.