Surprise Kittens and Chicks

When I picked DollFace up from school yesterday, she told me she had a surprise for me. She was able to keep the secret alllll the way home. When we arrived she showed me this:

If you are keeping track this is the THIRD litter of kittens on our farm.

Today was also the arrival of baby chicks:

How I love springtime on our farm.

Scary IM shot tonight!

Bulleted Update

Updates:

• Still no internet but the problem has been identified and a new router ordered
• Sleeping a little rough but getting a few quality hours
• AF is still in hiding, hoping she comes my way tonight for her last visit for 9 months
• Estrogen blood work tonight, results tomorrow and then...scary IM shot

Hmmm not much of an update....ho hum.

Summer School Meeting

Tonight, I went to four hours of required professional development for teaching summer school. First off, I was so tired and I just didn't feel like going. At the meeting, I was reminded just what a buttload of work this is going to be. Dragging all the crap for a classroom to another building (we have no air conditioning in our building), setting up, assessing, breaking down and moving it all back. We have to teach four and a half hours straight with no break which will be very intense, like a whole school day crammed into half a day. I haven't been in the classroom for 2 years and have never taught this grade before. I'm already stressed just thinking about it.

The presentation was partially about guided reading. Something I've been doing for four or five years. I could have done the presentation. I was bored out of my mind. Later, they read four monster books to us and then we had to do a monster arts and crafts project. If I'd been in a better mood, I might have had fun with it. As it was, I was irritated because we are adult professionals, why do we have to do these activities as though we're children? I couldn't seem to stop myself from making snarky comments to my coworkers. When I was a new teacher, I loved this sort of thing. Guess I'm too old and jaded to enjoy it now.

During the meeting, the other teachers there were all very rude. It was unbelievable. They threw trash on the floor, talked when the presenter talked and dinner was like some sort of cattle call with people taking more than their share. It just became a downward spiral and I felt like a big, sweaty, frustrated mess by the time it was over.

This program is so strict on attendance and of course one of the remaining 2 meetings falls on embryo transfer week. I really wish I could hand the contract back to my principal and say...."Never mind, I don't want to do this now."

Sigh...not my style and I know I need some other focus to my summer, whatever may happen.

No Internet

Nooooo!!!! I don't have Internet. I'm at Dad's office right now cranking this post out. One of the things I DO NOT like about living in the country...unreliable Internet. I can't believe how addicted I've become to writing in this blog. I was going crazy last night missing my daily dosage of visiting you all and writing so I wrote yesterday's post in a word document and will post when the Internet gods (otherwise known as my brother and cousin) are able to get the problem figured out. Something with the networking I think.

Still sleeping uneasily, but sleeping some and feeling good. It rained all night last night which usually I love to fall asleep to but last night it just made me feel unsettled and damp.

Nothing deep tonight, everything status quo here on the home front.

New Student

A little girl enrolled in our school today who is seven years old and never been to school. Seven! She should be in SECOND grade. I tested her and found her to be preschool level on every test. She could only identify about 6 letters and really didn’t know any of the sounds. She could spell her name orally for me and was able to handle a book with proper directionality. She was very verbal though and all smiles while I was testing and talking to her. She seems very bright.

Later, the mother told me she was having a “bad time” a few years ago so the father came and took Divina to California. She didn’t really know what went on in California as far as education but that Divina hadn’t been to a doctor in the year and a half she’d been there. The mother was able to bring her back about six months ago but had trouble getting a birth certificate to enroll her in school. Six months to get a birth certificate? I doubt that! Talk about falling through the cracks! It angers me that this bright, beautiful child has not received the education she has a right to. Not sure which agency would be responsible for this child, considering a cross country move. I wish the parents could be made to realize the sizable disadvantage this child will have in school and maybe for the rest of her life if we’re unable to close gap she’s had in her education. It’s very much a shame.

The mother seemed very earnest about getting her daughter caught up and was willing to work with her and enroll her in summer school. This means we have about 2 months to catch this beautiful child up on three years of education. I hope she can catch up enough to be enrolled in first grade in the fall. I think I know a little of what the man who discovered the wolf boy of Aveyron must have felt. She’s kind of a blank slate and I feel like her potential is a tightly wrapped package just waiting to be opened and encouraged to grow and grow. I am eager to find out all this child can learn in the next few months.

What? Nothing about infertility?!? Hmmm….nothing much to report. Last birth control pill yesterday so now I’m waiting for AF. Anticipating scary intramuscular injection on Friday.

No Sleep

Well, that's the last time I claim a "glorious nap". I was up all night...ALL night. There were storms and wind most of the night. I finally got out of bed for a few hours around 2am and did some reading and blog stalking. A side effect of the steroid? I'm resisting laying down this afternoon in hopes of sleeping tonight.

I went to the bridal shower of a co-worker this afternoon. This co-worker has mentioned several times that they will start trying for a baby soon after the wedding. Another co-worker who is in the first co-worker's wedding said today that she is going to start trying for a second child this summer too. These are two young healthy women so I'm sure they will find success quickly. I want to be in the "club" too. It will be unspeakably sad to face two pregnant young friends at work daily if I've had to give up and face a life without children. Please, please let me in the club.

Not quite a crash. I'm still confident, it's just a possible reality. I'm so tired.

Almost forgot, I've begun whittling my jumbo list of sperm donors down from 12 to 6. I know....way too many. The problem is I would like to switch from an anonymous donor to an open donor but none of the open donors are "speaking" to me in the way that my beloved Dave Indevial did. I knew right away he was the one. Yes, there are plenty who have acceptable height, hair color etc. looks are not that important to me but none have that certain something that just feels right to me. I really want to keep Dave. I didn't know I was so attached to Dave until I began trying to replace him. This is such an important decision and there are so many factors.

How I wish with all my heart that I did not have to use two donors. Why? Why did my life have to turn out like this? So alone and becoming a mother so damn complicated. Wanting a family of my own is the bigger wish that fills my heart with hope.

Now onward.

Still Feeling Abnormally Great

The wind is about to blow us away and we have had tornado warnings off and on for the last day or two. I was able to walk over to the farm and have pizza with the family. The rain is keeping them out of the fields and the guys are able to catch their breath, taking the time to repair and clean equipment. Mom looks as though she's lost a few pounds but seems to be eating a little better, even Dad said she was doing better this week. I always have to do an end run and check with him or E because she fibs to me sometimes.

I'm still feeling great. I took a glorious 3 hour nap today. Don't know if that was Lupron induced or just me being lazy but I woke up feeling even MORE bright eyed and fabulous. I'm anticipating some sort of crash. I'm on serious drugs and this "high on life" business can't last forever.

I wonder if this odd reaction is somehow due to my being overweight. I'm not just a little overweight, I'm seriously obese and the doses are so small. Is the medication working properly? Obviously all my medical professionals are aware of my hugeness, I'm sure they would have adjusted the dosage if it was needed.

Lovely Lupron?

So I've been waiting and dreading the Lupron side effects. Here they are.... I feel GREAT! Weirdly wide awake and great! There is not a negative thought or worry in my head. I floated through the day smiling and laughing. I'm almost feeling CAREFREE! I'm feeling confident....I just know I'm going to get pregnant. One month from now I'll have life growing inside me!

It's such sweet relief from the constant doubt and worry about my infertility journey that I usually have to battle in my brain. It feels fantastic to finally be starting THE cycle. It's only day 2 of medication, I also started dexamethasone yesterday. I hope these side effects stay and the horrid ones stay away.

Is something wrong with me? I've never, ever heard of anyone with this reaction to Lupron.

8:30 In The Midwest

It is 8:30 here in the Midwest and DollFace just went home. E was in the field and C was showing houses. We had a great time though. It was kind of a treat to have an evening with her cheerful little soul in the house. We were laughing and dancing away when E came to pick her up. Her favorites are: I Like To Move It by Will I Am, Postcards by BareNaked Ladies, Cha Cha Slide, Chicken Fried by Zac Brown and I'm embarrassed to say, Bootyman by Tim Wilson. E thought it was so hilarious to have her dance to that song, now she loves it.

The boys are all working as hard as they can plowing, finishing, drilling corn and applying anhydrous. We're expecting a big storm tonight or tomorrow and they are trying to get as much done before it hits. The alfalfa seedlings in the field behind my house could really use a drink though. E was walking stooped over a little, I guess from too much time in a tractor seat. I worry about my Dad working such demanding and long hours.

We had important visitors at school today from our county's curriculum council and a group of teachers who wanted to see what was happening in our school. Kind of a big deal. The fact is we are slowly closing the achievement gap in our low income district. We have made everyone in our school a "literacy specialist". All staff, from aides to the PE and music teachers, all work with children during our literacy block. I think we would train the cooks and custodian if we could. Teachers have an intervention block where they are able to give students extra help and I pull students and work with them additionally if they need it. We are creative with our schedules and we really are doing a lot of cutting edge stuff and although I don't always agree with what goes on, I'm very proud to say I work there.

Oh, first Lupron shot. No sweat! Almost a non-event. Didn't hurt at all and very, very minimal side effects. I hope it stays that way.

Ladders and Kittens

Awkward meeting part 2 took place today. The woman cleaned up her act a little bit but it was still obvious she's not working with her children and does not have high expectations for her students. One of her students going into kindergarten only knows 1 letter. The principal says she's "writing her up". Not sure quite what that entails but it doesn't sound good.

I had a lovely afternoon with my nieces. Our farm has become the home of about 4 mother cats. We have found two nests of kittens in our hay loft and visit them regularly. The other two are still in hiding. Yes, I actually dragged my big ol' butt up this scary looking ladder. I amaze myself every time I do it.

On of the many things I love about being a country girl.

First Lupron shot in the morning! I have everything laid out with surgical precision. I opened the box with the Lupron vial and there just doesn't seem to be much in there. I know the doses are small but I hope it's enough for all the doses I'll need.

Sure

Donor Agency Lady #2 (#1 is on maternity leave, yes, maternity leave) emailed that she would "facilitate" giving the letter to Lovely Donor.

Other than that, nothing much going on. I'm exuding good feelings and positive thoughts concerning the cycle. Feeling confident. Sure, secure and confident. Remember that old commercial?

Ha...now it's stuck in YOUR head too. Wish I could bottle this feeling and spritz myself with it during my less than confident phases.

One more day till Lupron...

Letter To My Lovely Donor

Tell the truth everyone. Is it too dorky sounding???

Dear Lovely Donor,
I don't know what your calendar looks like but I am a few days away from starting injectable medication and I'm very excited! To tell you the truth, I'm also a little scared. I thought you may be feeling the same so I wanted to write you a short note of encouragement.

You are in my thoughts every day and sometimes it's hard to believe that through your loving generosity I may have an opportunity to become a mother. Because of you, I'll have an opportunity to fill the emptiness inside my heart. How strange and wonderful to think that you're walking around with the potential of life inside you and that it may soon be inside me! Kind of like something on the scifi channel, don't you think? In a extraordinary and miraculous way, of course. lol

Anyway, I don't want to run on too much here or get myself choked up. I just wanted to let you know that I believe you to be an amazing person and I feel so very lucky that you are willing to share your DNA so that I might be able to begin my family. You are my hero.

If you are willing, I'd like to correspond more in the future, especially if a miracle happens and I am able to become pregnant. Maybe you'd like to know a little about where your little eggs ended up? If not, I completely understand.

Thank you for making my dream come true.
Paige

Fun and Frustration

Even though I tried to talk myself out of it, I did go to the dueling piano bar. Two baby grand pianos on stage and the players play back and forth or do duets and sing. Mostly covers of 70's, 80's and current pop songs and everyone is encouraged to sing along. It was just what I needed. Lots of singing at the top of our lungs and laughing, and yes, more than a few beverages.

Dad asked me to bring him some strawberries this weekend if I was going to the store so he could fill them with cream cheese and cover them with chocolate to take to a potluck. When I dropped them off, Dad tells me I should talk to my mother.

Two years ago, Mom got really sick and couldn't eat or if she was able to eat something she would throw up. It started off really mild and she just thought she had a bad flu that she couldn't kick. She lost 100 pounds in about 7 months and was suddenly so weak she could barely care for herself. We had a family vacation planned and she was unable to go, I stayed home to care for her. She finally ended up in the hospital. She got better but we didn't get a real diagnosis, seemed it was a lot of different things plus that she'd let it go so long without seeing a doctor.

The following year, Mom got a tummy tuck, eye job and sort of went crazy. Mom, Dad and I were able to go to the Grand Canyon to fulfill a lifelong dream of Dad's.

Today Dad told me Mom is experiencing some of the same mild symptoms she did two summers ago. I guess he found her doubled up in the flower garden this week. She attacks him if he talks to her about going to the doctor.

When I talked to her about it today, she got mad at my dad for ratting her out. She said it seemed better the last few days and tried to make jokes to distract me and finally said she would go to the doctor when she had lost enough weight to be able to fit into her summer clothes. She said she'd refuse to go to the doctor if I made an appt. She's so damn stubborn.

When we were going through this before, she would lie to me about what she'd eaten and often said it was a "little better" as she wasted away. I think whatever she had did seem to get better, then would get worse many times. I had to be a real bully to finally get her to the doctor.

I'm worried. And angry with her for not taking better care of herself. I'm also feeling helpless and frustrated. I've never understood this aversion she has about going to the doctor. Adults make adult decisions, I can't exactly tie a 62 year old up and haul her to the doctor. grrrr

Three days until Lupron...

Board Exam

I took the state board certification test for becoming a reading specialist this morning. I got done really fast...just under 2 hours. When I left I glanced at my friend's answer sheet and saw that she was only about half done. There were questions that I had no idea what the answer was and many that I had to use deductive reasoning. When I got done, I had an anxiety attack in the car. Then I drove to the bakery and ate a cookie. Then I cried.

I'm pretty sure I bombed it.

I'm supposed to go to a dueling piano bar for my coworker's birthday this evening. I don't even feel like going. But if I do go....there will be alcohol....

Just One Word

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.
No.
Explanations.

Here goes....
1. Yourself: Paige
2. Your husband: haha
3. Your hair: red
4. Your mother: close
5. Your dog: Clara
6. Your favorite item: iPod
7. Your dream last night: squishy
8. Your favorite drink: lemonade
9. Your dream car: Mustang
10. The room you are in: Office
12. Your fear: Infertility
13. What you want to be in 10 years: Mom
14. Who you hung out with last night: pets
15. What you’re not: Skinny
16. Muffin: banana
17: One of your wish list items: baby
18: Time: Evening
19. The last thing you did: listen
20. What you are wearing: pastel
21. Your favorite weather: fall
22. Your favorite book: Mockingbird
23. The last thing you ate: chip
24. Your life: Full
25. Your mood: wondering
26. Your best friend(S): yayas
27. What are you thinking about right now? tomorrow
28. Your car: gray
29. What are you doing at the moment?: downloading
30. Your summer: school
31. Your relationship status: single
32. What is on your TV?: nothing
33. What is the weather like?: Warm
34. When is the last time you laughed?: 6ish

Thanks for the blogging vacay, Samantha.

Not as easy as you might think… Try it.

Ping

We were looking through some old pictures on Easter and there was one of me as a toddler. Dollface looked at it and said, "Oh, look, that's me!" and we all laughed. My brother and I both strongly favor our dad, but DollFace and I also have faces shaped like my mother's. I couldn't help but think about my kid who will never have an experience like this. And I thought of myself who will never look into a child's eyes and say, "Lucky kid, got my eyelashes" or "He has that darn big head that runs in my family" (that could work in my favor come the time of the birth!).

I took both Stretch and Dollface to my cousin to get their hair cut today. The inevitable discussion began. "Stretch sure has her mother's hair." "Dollface's hair is just like L (the cousin's daughter). And every time I think, "Well, my kid won't have that experience, hope they're not scarred for life." and I kind of laugh to myself because I don't really believe they will be scarred but meanwhile my heart gives a little, sad ping for what my child will be missing. Will the pinging fade and disappear over time? I hope so.

I can't believe how often these types of comments come up in everyday conversation. Until I was told that my own genetic children were not possible I never noticed how much this is woven into everyday life. Seems like everyone is looking for that genetic connection. I guess I'm still working through the loss of that genetic connection with my child. Whew, the emotional side of this situation is a full time job.

I have completely accepted that an amazing woman is donating her genetics to my family because I could not provide my own. I have no qualms about going forward. I'm desperately waiting to begin my family. I already love my baby or at least it's DNA which is, this very moment, growing inside my lovely donor and frozen somewhere in a tube in California. I love everything it will become and I wish and pray everyday for it's safe arrival into my arms. I know in my heart that my child will inherit the most important part of me, my personality, spirit, work ethic, moral compass, sense of humor.

Yet, for now my heartstrings still ping a little for my unborn child and that genetic connection it won't have.

Daydream Believer

Probably no surprise to anyone that I have a very active imagination and a vivid fantasy life. I've been having extremely real baby daydreams for the past few days. I'm holding my baby, in that way mothers do, with the sweet smelling and oh so soft head against my cheek or under my chin. These thoughts are so very real. I feel like I could reach out and touch the baby. Also, daydreams of the actual birth, not the pain or fear or anything like that. Just that miraculous moment when the baby comes and everyone in the room makes that sound. You know that joyful happy sort of gasp/cheer/laugh. I imagine it must be the happiest moment in one's life. I'm only going by what I've seen on T.V. for this one, of course.

These are different from my usual "hey is that (insert name of celebrity) at my local grocery store", my "hot romance" daydreams, or my "Teacher of the Year" daydreams or even my "Oh, I'm so thin, healthy and hot" daydreams. My daily daydreams that are always lurking in a corner of my mind to entertain me should whatever I'm doing gets dull. Something about these baby daydreams makes me feel a little not right in the brain. These baby thoughts seem so real. So very real.

I'm wary of wanting something so very badly. Seems like dreams you want so badly with all your heart like this never come true. The only other thing I remember wanting so badly many years ago and envisioning like this was dancing at my own wedding. I've never been married. Not saying I won't someday dance at my own wedding but it seems rather dangerous to build these castles in the air. And then keep revisiting them. Over. And over.

I just read over this and realize I sound certifiably crackers. I'm not really a person with my head in the air but I do have strange thoughts all the time. Lord help me, I haven't even started taking the serious drugs yet.

Paid Up

Well, I just put two HUGE checks in the mail to the clinic and to the donor agency. My savings is nearly gone. It's not the money that bothers me. I just keep thinking if this is not successful, that bank account will represent everything. Empty womb, empty home, empty life, empty bank account.

I'm trying hard to keep positive but writing those checks make it seem really REAL and I'm starting to getting scared.

I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
.
.
.
I hope.

My Walking Trail

Inspired by what is here, I thought I'd share my walking/bike trail.

Along with my camerashy dog, Clara.

Drug Deal Gone Wrong

I wanted to pack THE box of drugs away and forget about it until I needed it in a few weeks time. I've unpacked and packed that box about 4 times. I guess there was a mix up with one of the medications. Thank God I had a question about one of the medications and mentioned the one that was screwed up. I guess they sent me Estradiol suppositories in addition to the delestrogen. They are similar and I don't need both.

The pharmacy told me there is a nationwide shortage of Endometrin and that my clinic told them to cancel the Endometrin and they would order something else (which they hadn't done until I contacted them today). I knew nothing about any of this. I'm horrified at the thought that I might have shoved the wrong medication up my hoohaa and ruined everything. I really need to stay on top of this whole process, so many, many things can go wrong. I am praying my young donor is checking and double checking everything.

This email exchange between Mom and me was my laugh for the day.

Mom: You might need help giving yourself those injections, if you do let me know. I'll take a stab at it.
Me: Haha, I see your point.
Mom: Yeah, I'm sharp that way.

Corny, but I laughed!

Drugs!!

Obligatory photo of alllll the drugs:

I was so excited all day at work thinking of the magic box being delivered today.

What is inside will help me have my baby!!!!

But when I opened the box and examined everything....

Weird names of chemicals that don't match up with what is on my calendar.

A frightening number of needles and syringes.

Suppositories!?

Yikes, I'm starting to get scared thinking that I'm going to have to get all of this stuff into my body over a few weeks time.

What if I somehow screw it up?

And yet April 22 can't get here fast enough.

Awkward Meeting

Serious storms and tornado warnings around these parts late last night. You could feel the storm coming in the evening air, it was sticky and hot and I couldn't get to sleep. I was still awake when the thunder and lightning rolled in at midnight. Didn't get much sleep at all so it was super rough when the alarm rang at 5:30 for the first day back at school after spring break. The kids at school all seemed sleepy too. 39 days until summer break...not that I'm counting!

Part of my job, this year, is to meet with the teachers at our pre-school program and help them with analyzing their data and forming small skill groups to work with. Working with data and being held accountable for working with groups has been a big change for these ladies who are mostly close to retiring. Today I had to have a data meeting with a teacher who is very disorganized and doesn't seem to work with her kids on the skills that the testing data shows they need work on. I hate to use the word lazy but we're not sure what exactly she does all day with the kids. They are not showing much growth academically.

During our meeting she was full of excuses and spent a lot of our meeting time looking for data sheets, progress reports, etc. I'm sad to say she didn't even know the last name of one the kids in her class. It's April, she's been (supposedly) working with this child for 7 months! How can she not know his last name? This woman has been a teacher for 30 years, I understand that she's probably tired and ready to retire, but it's a great disservice to the students in her class who are not showing growth under her guidance. Our principal sat in on our meeting and kept at her and at her about how she must be more organized and really work with those kids and keep up with her documentation. It all needed to be said, but I felt bad for this teacher who got more nervous and flustered the longer the meeting went. To make matters worse, this teacher is a family friend. My dad grew up with her husband and was in her wedding. It was kind of embarrassing for me to be telling a teacher with so many years of experience and who has known me since I was small that she needs to get her act together.

I was deaddog tired when I got home and did actually lay down for a few minutes, could have been longer be E stopped by and said it was a perfect night for walking. And he was right, beautiful refreshing breeze, tons of active wildlife on the trail. Many cardinals and other birds. I was practically looking for some cartoon Disney birds to come and sing directly to me.

Looking for a better night's sleep tonight.

The Laughingest Easter

One of the laughingest Easters I remember. We made smoothies and DollFace kept pretending to turn on the blender without the lid on. Then she'd hit me on the shoulder and laugh manically. C says she definately has MY sense of humor. A fabulous brunch (if I do say so myself!) and then egg hunt and playing outside with new Easter toys. A beautiful, windy Easter.
My nieces, parents and their two bratty dogs, Tessa and Toby. They like to poop in my house and yet my mom doesn't understand why I don't like it when she brings them with her. Today she allowed Tessa to sit on her lap at the dining table and eat food from her plate. Yech. There was almost an argument but she allowed me to put them outside.

My brother's beautiful family.

Even my Zoe wanted to get in on hunting eggs.

"What are you looking at, Pacha?" Pacha (a character from The Emeror's New Groove) is DollFace's favorite word right now and it is everyone's nickname.
And here I am, looking large and in charge. Jeez, my arm looks like an Easter ham. I'm never wearing that shirt again or allowing my pic to be taken while sitting down. Ughhhh.

Eggs, Eggs, Eggs

I don't know how the tradition got started but when Stretch was little we always decorated eggs with her at Maw Maw's house and then she'd go home and do it all over again with her parents
Somehow the egg decorating got moved to my house the past two years. It went so fast this year! Three dozen eggs in less than 2 hours.

I remember being little and it seemed like it took the whole day and when we were done, the entire table seemed completely covered with eggs ready for the Easter bunny to hide during the night.

Of course I'm thinking of my lovely donor having fun decorating eggs with her own little one. I hope she's taking care of my little eggs.

It Ends With A Smile

I've been studying the calendar, you know, THE calendar. The possible week of embryo transfer is a hectic one. I'm starting a graduate class that week and one of the professional development sessions for summer school is that week. The class is a short six week summer session, probably frowned upon to miss any class periods, and the summer school program is very strict about attendance. I may not be hired at all if they know I'll miss one of those sessions. I don't like feeling like I have to ditch something at the last minute but I'll probably have to miss one or the other unless the transfer is somehow pushed to Thursday in which case I'll be a psycho mess from waiting that long.

The pharmacy called with a pleasant surprise. Most of my medication AND the donors is covered, what's left is a very manageable sum. It will be delivered Tuesday and my mom has agreed to have it delivered to her house and sign for it. I just hope FexEx doesn't wander to the business side of the farm where the veterinary supplies are delivered and have one of my dad's employees sign. I keep imagining my mom racing across the yard, screaming, "I've got it, I'll sign!" or a scenario where the medication gets mixed up and some dairy cow ends up depressed and emotional from Lupron.

I had a lovely "field trip" with my buddies at a local winery. Friends who used to work at my school but have spread far and wide to different jobs or retirement. Beautiful weather and it was great to relax and gossip with a glass of wine and good friends.

Thank God for a few hours distraction because other than lunch, I was sort of an emotional mess all day. Not crying, just mopey and hormonal. My period did finally show up, a sad, little smear. I think I'll actually be glad when birth control starts again on Monday. I've been eating out of control and missing my baby like crazy.

But I'm another day closer to him or her or them.

And that thought just made me smile.

Aunt Fat

I'm disturbed by a few things I've heard DollFace say recently about me being fat. I've talked to her about how it hurts my feelings but she just can't seem to help herself. At one point she said her mom had yelled at Stretch about being fat and that her mom said Stretch could die, and that Stretch had cried. This is really upsetting to me. Stretch is not even close to being fat or even chubby, she's a beautiful child of normal weight. C. has admitted to me in the past that she talks to Stretch about her weight and tells her she doesn't want Stretch to end up with a "problem" like mine. I'm incredibly hurt by all of this. Keep in mind, C is about 30 pounds overweight herself and I have NEVER seen her attempt to do anything active with either of the girls.

I'm wondering if this is the root of the reason Stretch doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me lately. I'm huge, I get it, you don't want your kids to be like me, and God knows I wouldn't wish this kind of obesity on my worst enemy. But I don't think it's right to push these kind of body issues on a child or to create a stigma (unintentional?) around the unmarried, childless, obese aunt.

I saw my full length reflection in a mirror at the store today and what little self esteem I have was crushed. I really need to figure out my emotional eating problem and conquer it. I feel ugly and out of control.

Fourth day off birth control and no period. Probably why I feel so icky about the above issues. Why can't my body just do what it is supposed to do?